Make it to me

So sick of this lonely air
It seems such a waste of breath
So much that I need to say
So much to get off my chest

I’ve just had two days off and I’m so bored I can’t wait to go back to work.

My housemate and her bf constantly argue and I mean constantly, apart from once a week when they shag. Hence I’m looking for a new house, maybe closer to the city centre so I don’t have to die from loneliness over here. Not a shop. Not a gym. Not a pub. Nothing.

My heart is still broken. The girl is his colleague. I’m sure about it. It’s funny. When I was on holiday with my ex and there was a colleague that kept phoning him and texting him he said that was because “she is so good at her job and dedicated”. That was the one he was shagging. C. used the exact same words to describe this person. It’s not just a couple of months, I’m sure has been so much more. I was thinking to text M. and ask him what is so wrong with me. He should have the answer. And the fact that I’m not into him anymore could help. I don’t know that was just a thought. I still can’t believe. I really can’t.

B.

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Sorry seems to be the hardest word

What have I got to do make you love me?
What have I got to do to be heard?

6 days have passed and he never answered me. I got him so wrong 100% cause I really thought he would have said something, even one of those stupid British sorry.

I miss him.

B.

You are the one

“Won’t you hold my hand and stay awhile”

INTRO for MR C. You might or you might not being reading this. I don’t really know what you’ll decide to do, but just FYI not even my bff knows the name of my blog. I don’t know why with you I just felt I want to be transparent. Be aware of the fact that when I write I’m kind of in the zone. I vomit words and if you read something you don’t like I already apologise for it.

I haven’t heard anything from him for two days, I messaged tonight and he had his phone off. Guess someone was having a better time than me. I do feel hopeless and I hate waiting. There is really someone else. I don’t know what I expected, I have no idea if he ever felt anything (You still haven’t answered me).

When I met him the other night and I saw him across the road with a smile on his face all I could think was how lucky. He was beautiful. I really had the need to touch him. His hand was on the table, I wanted to hold it. He was biting his lips and I just wanted to kiss him. I wanted to be with him and wake up beside him. Have a peanut butter sandwich and go to work. Like if it was our normality. Home. Were you want to be. Warm.

I had to literally run away cause I was so disappointed I didn’t know how long would have been before I would have started crying. He didn’t said he had someone else until the following night. Why was so difficult if I’m just a friend? I don’t get it.

All I wanted was a chance. I’m here now. I wanted to go to nice restaurant and complain, to crappy ones and complain. I wanted to walk by the river at night. I wanted to be there in the bad days, when work sucks, family sucks and all you need is someone that cares so much that it make you feel better. I really just wanted to make him happy. I had so much to give him. Such a loser. I’m just sad. I miss him.

B.

Ps: don’t let me go.

A Sunday kind of love

You can feel when your heart is breaking. I get goosebumps and my stomach hurts. I feel like crying and sleep at the same time. I feel empty and full of things to give. Tonight is one of those nights.

I spent the last months hoping to see C. and that all things would have gone back to normal. I’ve been in London for almost a month and I got ditched twice. Tonight we finally met and things were normal. Normal in a good way: no embarrassment, a good laugh, simple. All I wanted was to kiss him. He is just the most beautiful thing I ever seen. I felt home. I just wished he was feeling the same but I guess he doesn’t since I’m going back alone.

B.

Days like this

When it’s not always raining there’ll be days like this
When there’s no one complaining there’ll be days like this
When everything falls into place like the flick of a switch
Well my mama told me there’ll be days like this

When someone says Paris is a romantic city is just because he or she never experienced a break in London with the right person.

I went today for a day trip. I don’t live too far from there, I had family over from Us and they wanted to see another capital. So we went for it. I texted C. telling him I was coming to the city. I didn’t have many hopes tbh to see him, has he didn’t text me back in 5 days, last week and I was really worried it was all over. Believe it or not he showed up. We spent an hour together having some coffee. Nothing happened, we even didn’t kiss but he is not for public affection, so I’m not really that surprised about it. We just hug. And was nice. Was home. We talked about the usual things. It felt like I never left. We didn’t touch any real argument. I think from that point of view we are really similar. I can’t explain how I feel unless I’m writing it. I can’t wait to see him again. I miss him already so much.

B.

Budapest

Give me one good reason.

My heart was aching. I woke up at 5:30 and literally my heart was aching. I could feel it beating really fast. I couldn’t breathe. I was crying.

I dreamt I went to his house and there was full of people from his work and he wouldn’t talk to me. He didn’t say a word and I just left.

I feel so empty. I see only grey. I miss talking to him so much. I want to tickle his face and kiss those lips again. I want to look into his beautiful almond eyes and feel his muscled body against my back. And I won’t get anything.

I’ve been left on read for the last three days. Guess the answer is really clear.

I had so much love to give.

B.

Us

So tell me how to be in this world
Tell me how to breathe in and feel no hurt
Tell me how ’cause I believe in something
I believe in us

I thought there was something. I liked you, I just wanted to know you better and see. Well I hoped you wanted to know me better too, but it’s unbelievable how always wrong I am.

I liked your sense of humour and how sarcastic you are, you are so charismatic is mesmerising. I felt home with you as I haven’t felt in so long time. I liked to tickle your face because was just so beautiful I needed to have a good memory of it.

I was really hoping it wouldn’t have ended after I was back home and I mean even those daily 5 minutes of messages, but they started been less and less and I’ve been trying to see you but with no results. Guess it’s really self explanatory, but I don’t want to follow a ghost. I need someone that likes me as I am. I just wish I was wrong. I’ll really really really miss you.

B.