The rebound

No, don’t get to excited. I did not get any rebound. It’s just the title of the movie I watched.

And I cried. And cried. And cried some more.

I feel cold and lonely. I need love and physical contact and that’s something that scares me so much.

I don’t want to be alone. I want to feel loved and safe. I want something more from life.

I like C. He makes me feel warm inside. Kind of alive. I’m so scared things will change when we meet. I’m terrified he won’t like me while I can’t wait to see him. I want to hug him. And eat pizza on the couch while watching a movie. Walk around the city and visit a museum. I want to take pictures of him. I want to have something nice to remember.

B.

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Piece of my heart

But each time I tell myself that I, well I can’t stand the pain But when you hold me in your arms, I’ll sing it once again I’ll say come on, come on, come on, come on and take it

So I was working today,  a couple came to check-in. She phoned this morning letting us know it was going to be his birthday and she wanted to organize something special for her boyfriend.

While he was parking the car we gave her a card to write to accompany the bottle of bubbles to go to the room. She got emotional and started cry. We offered a Kleenex, he came back and they went to the room.

The card just said “Doesn’t matter where you are, it only matter who you are with. I love you”.

Plain and simple. So true. Made my heart cringe. I was in the corridor and could not remember what love felt like. What happiness felt like. What actually feeling something for someone felt like.

B.

Hunger

..and for a moment, I forget to worry.

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The weirdest thing happened to me: I slept. A careless deep sleep. The one that you wake up and don’t even remember your name. It was beautiful. It was afternoon, I woke up at 8,30pm, went out. Back to bed and slept until 9 am. Breakfast and then again slept until 12pm. It was unbelievable. I felt new, calm and relaxed.

And this has been happening for almost a month now.

I was driving to work one day and I just had a flashback about my previous life, actually about a guy I met in 2012, when I just moved abroad.

I was working in that place for less than two months, but while I am a disaster with love, I always been pretty good with work. I was almost 23, he was 19 and the owner’ son coming to learn the job. The age gap and the language barrier were not exactly helpful. The fact that I didn’t understood for a few weeks he had a girlfriend wasn’t great either. Actually I felt pretty stupid when my colleague told me. That stupid GM kept making fun of me and spreading rumors. Cow.

But C. and I had a really good connection. He was so smart and fun. We were very different, but I just liked him, maybe because he was the first one that was really nice to me. One day he got me a note, it was nothing special but he wrote something kind of sweet on it, like that to do that job I needed him. When he finished his training he got me a present. It was something so it would be easier for me to talk to my parents cause my computer was going a little crazy. He was just so genuine.

We kept in touch and saw a couple of times for two or three years, but my ex  wasn’t really keen in this friendship, so guess I just let it go.

Well, a moth ago I texted him out of the blue. He came back to my mind and I just wanted to know how he was. We started chatting. It’s just a long message a day, but it’s nice. It’s a long catch up, it’s fun and in some ways makes me feel alive again. I booked a ticket to go visit him but won’t be for another few months. And that scares me a little. What if he finds someone in this time? I don’t want to go there thirdwheeling. I want to go there and see how it goes. I’m worried he won’t like me  phisically or mentally. I’m still worried about the age gap. I’m not really looking for nothing and at the same time I’m scared that if I talk about him out loud he will disappear. It’s a weird feeling.

I still got that note.

B.

Keep your head up

Oh eyes like wildflowers,

Oh with your demons of change

It’s almost 3 a.m. and I can’t sleep. My blood pressure is so high I can feel it through my veins. I’m laying down and my legs are shaking, my head is pounding. I’m disgusted.

My friend S. texted me to pass by her house after work and I should have known that wasn’t good, but after a day locked in the office my mind was set only on a cold beer.

As I got there her and L. waited for me to sit down and then it all started. Was like in one of those movies when you can see yourself from outside. Well, they went out for a walk and passed by the other place where I work and guess what? V. was there with the guy. There was even a rose on the table. V. and I have known each other since we were 11 yrs old. We’ve been friends for the past 7 years and I mean friends, not someone you just say hi. Maybe I have a wrong idea of friendship, maybe it’s just me as usual. We chatted a little more and eventually I left and took L. downtown to her car that was parked by the bar. I forgot to tell you he lives upstairs and when I was going up I looked towards his window and was all locked up. I thought it was weird as he always has the light usually. Well his car wasn’t there. Great. Fucking great.

I went home. S. texted me if I was ok, if I wanted to go to see if his car was at her just for a peace of mind, but I said no. I just didn’t have the courage of finding out the truth. I just wanted to keep myself safe from the ugly truth.

After a minute a received a phone call from L. She was angry and disappointed too and without anyone saying anything she drove by V’s house. The car was there. The light was on. The window open. Too bad she lives on the 3rd floor or she could have get a glimpse of something too.

I don’t know how can someone be like that. I don’t know why she had to go for him when two weeks ago she told S. she shagged him in first place as he was boring.

I texted her she was disgusting that as always she preferred a cock over anything.

I keep asking myself why I don’t deserve anything, everyday it just gets worst.

B.

Joyless life/2

So I worked on breakfast today. He came with his friend, chatted about work. Left. Added my colleague on Instagram. 🤣 Honestly. ShE came to me and was like “You friend started following me.” WTF is wrong with me? I’m going to ask my brother.

I just feel like crying.

B.

Joyless life

I was really ready. I done myself a pep talk and I was going for it. I was going to ask him to a concert we both wanted to go that will be in two weeks. I was going to do it tomorrow morning, I was going to make him a cappuccino and tell “Btw I was right, they were doing a summer concert. If you want we could go together”. But that would have been too nice. I open fucking Instagram and here he is liking all the slutty pictures with lovely motivational quotes from the girl across the street: skinny, long brown hair and fake lips. Standard. Literally standard. Why not me? Why not the pic of my dog? Nope. Do not deserve it. Every time I feel like my confidence and self esteem flying out of the window. FML. I lost 4 fucking kg. Still not enough. I’ll never be the skinny bitch that get attentions. And now I can’t even sleep. I just need something in life. I’m so fed up.

B.

Shame in you

Throw out, blow up, hold in

Show fine, no signs, grow blind

I dressed up. I looked nice. I was ready. Ready for anything. Ready for a kiss, ready for a shag, ready for even just talking. I got nothing. As usual. Nothing. Oh no, i did get a “hi”. Great. Fucking great.

I looked at my friend and told her when he wanted to shag our other friend he wasn’t so hard to catch. Not a joy in life.

I feel like the duff, honestly. I’m the friend. Everyone’s friend. Nice and smiley, chatty (until I like someone). That’s it. Don’t deserve anything. No one really fancy me. No one text me. If I didn’t have my friends I wouldn’t even need a phone.

I’m really and empty. I feel embarrassed cause when tomorrow he’ll come ask me for a cappuccino he’ll know I have a crush on him. And he’ll be embarrassed cause doesn’t like me but he is polite.

Life sucks.

B.