Oh eyes like wildflowers,
Oh with your demons of change
It’s almost 3 a.m. and I can’t sleep. My blood pressure is so high I can feel it through my veins. I’m laying down and my legs are shaking, my head is pounding. I’m disgusted.
My friend S. texted me to pass by her house after work and I should have known that wasn’t good, but after a day locked in the office my mind was set only on a cold beer.
As I got there her and L. waited for me to sit down and then it all started. Was like in one of those movies when you can see yourself from outside. Well, they went out for a walk and passed by the other place where I work and guess what? V. was there with the guy. There was even a rose on the table. V. and I have known each other since we were 11 yrs old. We’ve been friends for the past 7 years and I mean friends, not someone you just say hi. Maybe I have a wrong idea of friendship, maybe it’s just me as usual. We chatted a little more and eventually I left and took L. downtown to her car that was parked by the bar. I forgot to tell you he lives upstairs and when I was going up I looked towards his window and was all locked up. I thought it was weird as he always has the light usually. Well his car wasn’t there. Great. Fucking great.
I went home. S. texted me if I was ok, if I wanted to go to see if his car was at her just for a peace of mind, but I said no. I just didn’t have the courage of finding out the truth. I just wanted to keep myself safe from the ugly truth.
After a minute a received a phone call from L. She was angry and disappointed too and without anyone saying anything she drove by V’s house. The car was there. The light was on. The window open. Too bad she lives on the 3rd floor or she could have get a glimpse of something too.
I don’t know how can someone be like that. I don’t know why she had to go for him when two weeks ago she told S. she shagged him in first place as he was boring.
I texted her she was disgusting that as always she preferred a cock over anything.
I keep asking myself why I don’t deserve anything, everyday it just gets worst.
So I worked on breakfast today. He came with his friend, chatted about work. Left. Added my colleague on Instagram. 🤣 Honestly. ShE came to me and was like “You friend started following me.” WTF is wrong with me? I’m going to ask my brother.
I just feel like crying.
I was really ready. I done myself a pep talk and I was going for it. I was going to ask him to a concert we both wanted to go that will be in two weeks. I was going to do it tomorrow morning, I was going to make him a cappuccino and tell “Btw I was right, they were doing a summer concert. If you want we could go together”. But that would have been too nice. I open fucking Instagram and here he is liking all the slutty pictures with lovely motivational quotes from the girl across the street: skinny, long brown hair and fake lips. Standard. Literally standard. Why not me? Why not the pic of my dog? Nope. Do not deserve it. Every time I feel like my confidence and self esteem flying out of the window. FML. I lost 4 fucking kg. Still not enough. I’ll never be the skinny bitch that get attentions. And now I can’t even sleep. I just need something in life. I’m so fed up.
Throw out, blow up, hold in
Show fine, no signs, grow blind
I dressed up. I looked nice. I was ready. Ready for anything. Ready for a kiss, ready for a shag, ready for even just talking. I got nothing. As usual. Nothing. Oh no, i did get a “hi”. Great. Fucking great.
I looked at my friend and told her when he wanted to shag our other friend he wasn’t so hard to catch. Not a joy in life.
I feel like the duff, honestly. I’m the friend. Everyone’s friend. Nice and smiley, chatty (until I like someone). That’s it. Don’t deserve anything. No one really fancy me. No one text me. If I didn’t have my friends I wouldn’t even need a phone.
I’m really and empty. I feel embarrassed cause when tomorrow he’ll come ask me for a cappuccino he’ll know I have a crush on him. And he’ll be embarrassed cause doesn’t like me but he is polite.
I’m so tired of being lonely
I still have some love to give..
Yesterday morning I was in my car driving to work and this song came on and it just got stuck in my head. Music is literally my life companion right now. That’s all I do. Listen to music. And work of course.
But now I feel the need. I feel the need to love and be loved. To have someone that cuddles me, fancy me and make me feel special, while I do the same. I never thought I wanted to love again but here I am.
Sunday I went to a wedding and I was with a couple of friends of the guy I like (that I was telling you in my last post) and I wanted to impress them but I’m not good and I’m too shy. Barely spoke and I was so bored I pretty much spent the all day looking at my phone and hoping for a miracle. But nothing happens in this bloody life. The only bright side is that in mid July my friend and his will celebrate their bday together so I will get the chance at least maybe to speak with him. I still have tomorrow at work but who knows if I will manage. I’m so embarrassed. I just want to be noticed.
Please, give me a bloody sign!
Ok. So I take back whatever I said yesterday. I’ve been kind of happy and I was hoping I was gonna have a chance but let’s be honest cute guys want hot girls and I’m out of the league. I really just wanted to talk to him. Never a joy in this bloody life. Oh well. I will survive as I usually do. A little more bitter and cynical. B.
How weird does it feel when you start looking around again?
I feel the need to be hold and hugged. I feel like I want physical contact. I want to fall asleep beside someone. Has been a few happy weeks to be honest. Like my job, I’m on a diet and I actually see something happening and I started liking someone new. I’m too scared to make a move, I just hope he will ask me out. It’s not about sex, it’s different. I feel like I want to know him and that’s so weird for me because I didn’t want to know someone for the last 8 years. How do you play it along? I should go there and be like “hey I know you to shagged a couple of times my friend a few years ago but I kind of find you attractive now so how about a cuppa?” Yeah. Don’t think that’s how you do it. And if my friend style it’s his standard, let’s be honest I’m the total opposite so don’t really think he could be interested in me. He is just so smiley and kind and I’m not used to it.