Ye’ll tak’ the high road, and I’ll tak’ the low road

The night is always the hardest time.

My dog is snoring beside me and I’m wide awake.

Images fill my head. Most of them are streets, nature and places. Not people, just feelings. I miss it so much. The colours. The big sky and clouds. The melancholy it made me feel. Don’t get me wrong, I love my home. It’s just that I’m broken. When you travel and live abroad that’s how it works. You just feel it. You don’t belong anywhere but everywhere. And nowhere is how you felt home before you started.

Friday night I left home like a gipsy. Guess what? I met him. He is loosing more hair, was wearing a stupid jeans and sheep jacket and he still was the most beautiful thing for miles. I behaved. I stayed in my corner. Got an hello. Happy days. Not.

I just feel so empty.

B.

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WTAF

I know guys. Sorry. I’m so boring lately. I’ve got nothing new to say. Literally nothing is happening in my life. Nothing. Zero. I changed job and it’s ok, easy peasy. I am so alone right now it’s crazy.

I need a good shag. I deserve it. Honestly. The last mediocre 15 min was the 12th August. 7 months and 12 days. The last good one was 15 months ago. 15. FIFTEEN. My fucking Jeez. What. I feel like crying right now. Virgin Again. Life is brutal. No one should deserve this. But again. I don’t want to get involve with anyone. I don’t want even to speak, actually especially not to speak. No brain fucking please. That’s why I want someone really hot. I have never been a “looking just at the look person”, but now.. that’s all I want. Like if I have physical attraction will be much easier not to feel the need of talking. God. Help.

B.

Vulnerability

“Vulnerability is the essence of romance. It’s the art of being uncalculated, the willingness to look foolish, the courage to say, ‘This is me, and I’m interested in you enough to show you my flaws with the hope that you may embrace me for all that I am but, more important, all that I am not.'”

AplusK

Vulnerability. What’s that?

Days pass by and I just need some kind of contact. I don’t want anyone that fucks with my brain. I just want not to think. I already gave up my vulnerability and I got it back.

I downloaded Tinder, but to I am embarrass to actually set it up and use it. Some days I just wish I was living in a big city. I know everyone here and I don’t have any physical attraction to anyone.

If I was a boy I would say “Hard days”.

B.

Cunt – Rant

I always been a romantic. Always. Always dreamed about the fucking happy ending, about things going well. But I always been wrong.

My ex emailed me about my stuff still at his house (even if 2 months ago I asked him to give it all to charity) and then he started about him never cheating on me and bla bla bla. A friend told me today she found out at work he was with someone and then with another. Fucking cheating bastard. So yeah. I done it. I vomit all over him all the fucking things I had in my head. All of it. There was more fucks than words.

I just want apathy. I want to be able to sleep at night and don’t give a fuck about anyone.

B.

Demons

I want to hide the truth

I want to shelter you

Well guys, I was at really boring birthday party last night and all I could do was looking outside the window. I literally had nobody to talk to. Anyway I saw a face i new outside the next door pub. He was one of his friends. I could feel warm inside, that was hope. I saw his car passing by, then again looking for a parking. I joined the smokers outside and waited. I could recognise his way of walking anywhere. I saw him in the distance and waited. He got there and started scanning the crowd, saw me and mouthed a “Hello”. I smiled back. He went inside. His face was pale, looked like shit. Big eye bags. Dressed in total black.

That’s it.

My friend said to me last week “You want to see him cause you feel better and want to show off, show him you don’t need him”. She was wrong. I wanted to see him cause I miss him, cause even if I hate all the situation I’m sad to see him looking like shit cause his new gf moved abroad. Cause again, for the hundred million times, he comes before me. Wrong, I know.

B.

Unfinished Sympathy

How can you have a day without a night?

Merry Xmas Guys.

Hope you’ll have amazing time!

Tomorrow will be a year since the last time since I’ve been with him. Jesus. Time flies. It goes and goes and I’m still stuck in the past. I’m still waking up and hoping something better will come, that I’ll get a message. I don’t know why. I text him today cause it’s Christmas and I’m a looser and I miss him. Good how much I miss him.

“Merry Xmas and enjoy your food feast. 🙂 Love you.”

And I did get an answer. It’s politeness and that’s all and I’m not reading any love in it, but all I’m reading is that he doesn’t hate me either. Was just a “Thank you! You too.” Was nothing. But he will always rock my whole world. So I’m happy with nothing.

I’m almost unemployed and single just now.

Life must get better. It must.

Love,

B.

No One’s Gonna Love You

But no one is ever gonna love you more than I do, no one is gonna love you more than I do.

Last Sunday

I never told you guys that my brother is really handsome. And that’s a problem. He is 2 years younger than me, so 26.

When I was 19 during summer I went to work to a hotel by the seaside, my granny used to phone me to tell me about a girl that was picking up my brother with her car and was 25. That thing kept going for months. I went back home and I met this guy on Halloween. We really hit it on. He was so funny ( I thought he was, now when I read the crap he writes on fb I’m like “Wtf?!”), anyway we started texting and dating. Eventually he broke it off cause couldn’t get over is ex cause they broke up the week before we met and meant to get married (he was like 28) and I was too young. Well well.. guess who was his girlfriend? The one my brother has been shagging for months.

This morning I went to get breakfast where my brother works. I got in and he was like “guess who I went clubbing with last night?”. The blood froze through my veins. No. No. No. But yes. He went to the club with His girlfriend, her bestie and another guy. “Apparently there is some crisis. He was texting her and she was like to her bestie ‘Can you believe he writes me this kind of things?’. Nothing happen and after we drop her off at her house her bestie said to me things are not going well, he is too much of a looser.” – Great. Really fucking great. And I don’t mean it in a sarcastic way, because I’m a fucking dickhead. I don’t want him to be sad. I don’t want him to suffer. I don’t want him to be sad. I just want him to be happy, cause for how much it can hurt knowing he is shagging or loving someone else, it hurts much more knowing that he is suffering. Knowing that he is sad and broken. I just want his happiness. I wanted to be his happiness. So I can’t let this happen. I CAN’T.

I meet my brother at my parents in the afternoon and ask him please don’t go there. I ask him that if he really wants to go with her he should wait when they are officially off. He asks me why. I can’t tell him the truth. I just say he knows what he feels like to be cheated on, so he shouldn’t do that to someone else. “I won’t. I need to keep a low profile just now, that would ruin me, but she invited me to this birthday party tonight.”

Turns out the birthday party is in the same place were we go for drinks usually. She is here but He is not, probably already went back to the town where he works. I’ve got my dog with me, cause he is the most amazing thing in the world and she loves that breed. When my brother is there she smiles and wants to see and touch my dog. I told him she touches him I pull out all her teeth with my bare hands. She already has all I wanted in life, fucking stay away from what I got left. Guess my brother gets it’s not a good idea to push me. So now I just have to wait and see. I will keep putting in his head that he should not go there.

If You are reading this, I’m doing all I can. We don’t speak to each other, we barely say hi. Years ago You said I was a betrayer when I knew one of your former lover went to your former girlfriend telling her all the crap you did. I wanted to stay out of it. I didn’t want to be involved. I don’t want you to hate me more than you already do. I love you. Always have, always will. You are my person. The day I met your eyes that was it. I found my happy place and I’ll never be yours. I’ll never be enough.

B.