I’m so tired of being lonely
I still have some love to give..
Yesterday morning I was in my car driving to work and this song came on and it just got stuck in my head. Music is literally my life companion right now. That’s all I do. Listen to music. And work of course.
But now I feel the need. I feel the need to love and be loved. To have someone that cuddles me, fancy me and make me feel special, while I do the same. I never thought I wanted to love again but here I am.
Sunday I went to a wedding and I was with a couple of friends of the guy I like (that I was telling you in my last post) and I wanted to impress them but I’m not good and I’m too shy. Barely spoke and I was so bored I pretty much spent the all day looking at my phone and hoping for a miracle. But nothing happens in this bloody life. The only bright side is that in mid July my friend and his will celebrate their bday together so I will get the chance at least maybe to speak with him. I still have tomorrow at work but who knows if I will manage. I’m so embarrassed. I just want to be noticed.
Please, give me a bloody sign!
The night is always the hardest time.
My dog is snoring beside me and I’m wide awake.
Images fill my head. Most of them are streets, nature and places. Not people, just feelings. I miss it so much. The colours. The big sky and clouds. The melancholy it made me feel. Don’t get me wrong, I love my home. It’s just that I’m broken. When you travel and live abroad that’s how it works. You just feel it. You don’t belong anywhere but everywhere. And nowhere is how you felt home before you started.
Friday night I left home like a gipsy. Guess what? I met him. He is loosing more hair, was wearing a stupid jeans and sheep jacket and he still was the most beautiful thing for miles. I behaved. I stayed in my corner. Got an hello. Happy days. Not.
I just feel so empty.
I know guys. Sorry. I’m so boring lately. I’ve got nothing new to say. Literally nothing is happening in my life. Nothing. Zero. I changed job and it’s ok, easy peasy. I am so alone right now it’s crazy.
I need a good shag. I deserve it. Honestly. The last mediocre 15 min was the 12th August. 7 months and 12 days. The last good one was 15 months ago. 15. FIFTEEN. My fucking Jeez. What. I feel like crying right now. Virgin Again. Life is brutal. No one should deserve this. But again. I don’t want to get involve with anyone. I don’t want even to speak, actually especially not to speak. No brain fucking please. That’s why I want someone really hot. I have never been a “looking just at the look person”, but now.. that’s all I want. Like if I have physical attraction will be much easier not to feel the need of talking. God. Help.
You know when you are sitting on a plane, you got your music on and that’s when tears start streaming down your face. You try to make a point of your life and realise what an absolut mess you are.
I’ve been out of job for the last 2 months. It was my choice. Was it stupid? Yes. Do I regret it? Damn No. When you are in position of responsability and work between 12 and 14 hours a day for £1400 a month and don’t even feel appreciated is it really worth? So, now I found a hostess job in a Michelin starred restaurant not too far from home. Do I like it? No. Am I going to take it? Guess so. It’s like a three steps back. And I hate that. Worked my ass off for 4 years to now get a hostess job. FML.
My love life is a disaster. I’ve got a boyfriend that I’m about to see after over 2 months. Since I moved back home we spoke on the phone maybe 6 times. In 2 months. Is that normal? Don’t think so. Also I have feelings for someone else. Someone that is poisoned like one of those bad snakes that could kill you with a bite. We also have a past. Not a relationship like, a colleagues with benefits story, while he had a girlfriend and I was in love with him. I moved away. I thought I found love. The first two years of my relationship were fine. I haven’t felt like I needed him again. We saw every six months but I wasn’t feeling anything. Then last December something changed. My relationship started sinking and he was always there. Nothing happen until few months after. And here we go. I’m addicted to him like a man in the early nineties with heroine. Love the feeling and then die of overdose. And he keep pushing me on getting this job cause will make me move pretty closed to him. Why? Why you have this need of making me love you and destroying me at the same time? I wish I could ask him but we have some strange boundaries.
I don’t know anymore where I want to be or what I want to do. B.
I always been on the run and always for the same lame reason: love.
My first crush was Lenny, I was 12 and taller than him. Was the years when teenagers were getting their first Nokia 3310 and I was texting him hoping for an answer, I gave him my diary to get him to write something nice on it, instead he throw it from the school bus. What a douche.
Then my first kiss was Sandy, he was so tall and handsome. I don’t even remember his voice that short our relationship was.
One morning I was going to Barcelona and on the plane I met him, Harry. He was definitely my first love. I was almost 16 and he was just 13, strange thing for a girl, but you should have seen him. Big blue eyes and blond hair, full lips and he was taller than me and so mature. It was the wrong time and the wrong place. We kissed once, two years after we met, we were not just meant to be.
Frankie conquered me with his humour. He was just hilarious, I was 18 and he was 26. I always being a crazy one, he told me he was moving to another country and I apply for a visa to go with him. By the time the visa arrived he already had enough of me but I still decided to go on the opposite side of the country he was going. Had the best time of my life.
But the one that made crumbs out of my heart was Matthew. One night a friend of a friend asked me to work at his place ad someone phoned in sick. I accepted and went for it. I was sitting on a chair outside and here we go, big brown eyes and slightly long hair. I never felt that way with anyone else, when I think of him I still shiver. It was the best and the worst thing that could have ever happened to me. I love the funny side of him and the special bond we have. I can spend months or a year without seeing him, but when we sit down in front of a glass of bubbles, it all comes back. The happiness and the pain. And confuse the shit out of me.