This melody will fade away and die..
Just for today, breath me and say goodbye
I had sex last night. Empty, soulless sex.
I don’t know why I done it, it just kind of happen. I meet this guy a few months ago and he was a charmer. Didn’t see him until a few weeks ago, I was drunk and talked some nonsense to his friend about sex with no attachment. He had me on Fb and started message me, we chit chat a little but nothing serious. He started ask me out and I kept finding excuses. Until last night, I felt alone and bored and sad. I needed a distraction.
He showed up, taller than me, dark hair and eyes with a growing beard with a box of strawberries and a bottle of red.
We started chatting and found out we have many things in common, many people we know and that we even had the same teacher and that one of my biggest teenager crush is his best friend. We talked about love, work and future. Then he asked me about my boyfriend, if he knew about me being there with him. I told him no and that I was not planning to tell him. And then he kissed me, slowly. I didn’t feel any butterflies, I didn’t feel warm between my legs. I didn’t feel anything. I don’t know why I accepted to keep going and moved to my room. I was just in need of someone to take care of me. We played around and then he was in me. Nothing special, I kept my eyes closed the all time. I was dreaming of him being someone else, but he wasn’t. I could feel it. Nothing was the same. I’m not on birth control and I told him a few times, he still forgot. This morning I went to get a day after pill. Almost thirty and was my first time being so stupid with someone I don’t even know the last name. Great.
I miss him so much, this stupid nonsense sex just reminded me how much I need him, how much I want to feel his lips on mine and his hands on me. Why I can’t? Why?
Why am I feeling like this? Why can’t I just stop thinking? I just want to sleep more than 20 minutes at the time.
I got to the bar, sitting, having a drink with the girls, I felt a shadow behind him and just looked at the back of his head.
I got in the bar, he went outside, got my drink went outside and he got back in, I got in and he went out again.
I was standing at the bar with my friends and he just looked at me with sufficiency. I had to fight the tears from coming down. I got home and I texted him, to please pass by. I just needed to know he was alright and was feeling better but he got back to me saying he was going home. Lies. Always lies. He last accessed WA at 3 am. He was out banging someone else. I know it. I could feel it. I hate life. So I blocked him everywhere and then texted him. I told him I was in bed hating myself while he was outside happily shagging. I thought I had no more tears but I was wrong. That the only thing that matter to me was his happiness.
He’ll never get it. He could have take anything from me. I just wanted him to be happy. I wanted to make him happy. I hate life.
I’ve got this quote stuck in my head. I just want to stop thinking of him. It’s so painful.
I met him for a coffee on Saturday. I never felt so nervous sitting at the same table. We started chit chatting of normal stuff then he said to me that he met his ex and while they were speaking he told her what I said to him (why someone cheat), but I never told him that I cheated because was with him. Only him. I would have not done it even with Bradley Cooper. And then he said to her that I was mad cause she had him that way and didn’t understand anything of him. Those were my actual words. And he didn’t understand them. He didn’t get that all I meant. How much I care about him, what I would have done if I was so lucky to be with him. But no. I think he thought that I said that just to make him feel better. How did she not get that either?
I don’t know if laugh or cry.
He has just been texting me to tell me he is meeting her tomorrow after begging for it. I really don’t know what my reaction should be.
I started crying and laughing together. I’m officially in the friend zone. He hasn’t been shagging me since Christmas. Over two months. It’s all over and I became his BFF now. My head hurts.
I really need some good sex. I really want someone that takes me with passion. Nothing too sick or violent but something that leaves me with a smile for at least three days.
God. How much I miss his smile. And his kisses. And him banging me.
So, as you should have get by now, all my posts title are songs. “A wonderful Nightmare” is actually an Italian song.
How can a nightmare be wonderful? How can you feel comfortable being with someone that will hurt you so much? How can you be happy when everything is uncertain?
I’ve spend the last four days with my boyfriend house shopping. No. I wasn’t happy or excited, we are so different. I want a house with personality, with wooden floors and high ceilings, a big kitchen and living room together. I want plain wooden forniture, sheep rugs and green plants. Like in proper hygge style. He wants black and shiny in a new building.
I didn’t have good time, haven’t seen him for like 6 weeks I expected him to be happy to see me, but I think he is getting used to the idea of being alone. Didn’t really feel he needed me to be there.
Well, now I’m on my way home. You know when you read in a book about the girl falling for a guy and pretty much the description is usually the same “really tall, big shoulders, dark hair and a really sexy square jawline”. I do get what they mean now. I don’t know what was his aftershave but it was sweet with vanilla notes.
I haven’t spoke with the other one in days and I honestly don’t know what to do. I am invisible. I miss him. I miss the funny side of him, the one that made feel happy. I miss him biting his lips while having sex in the same way he does when he is playing. His smile, his laugh, the way he looks at me asking to go say hi to his little friend. The way my body reacts to his touch is crazy, it never happen to me to anyone before. The only thing I want to do is pleasing him, I just want to win. Leave him there with jelly legs, cause we fuck the shit out of each other. Feeling his heart beating so fast, that peaceful expression on his face. I’m only scared this won’t happen again. I would literally sell my soul to the devil to have him.
Has passed over a month before he decided to open up and tell me all the things that were happening in his life. I’ve been messaging him just trying to support him, not to often because I’m too scared to lose him.
February 5th, around midday. He finally decided to come to mine for a cup of coffee, after I told him that I really cared about him and was too difficult to me helping him like that. It was awkward at first and then he started. They kind of broke up for a few weeks, then everything was fine but she confessed she had an affair while they were apart. Well. No. I was not happy. I should have been jumping but how can you be happy seeing his face so sad? We kept talking and he said something really hurtful “She cheated mentally, while I cheat physically”. And I wanted to scream “No. No. No. No. NO. Why do you say this to me? Why if you are broken you need to break me too? Why you needed so much to speak with me before then? Why you kept saying to move where you lived? Why you kept saying sleep at mine? Why you made me feel needed and special? Why you kissed me like there was no tomorrow?” but I didn’t. I just looked at him and me, like if I was outside my body and all that was happening was just a bad dream. He told me my silence was killing him. His words destroyed me.