Piece of my heart

But each time I tell myself that I, well I can’t stand the pain But when you hold me in your arms, I’ll sing it once again I’ll say come on, come on, come on, come on and take it

So I was working today,  a couple came to check-in. She phoned this morning letting us know it was going to be his birthday and she wanted to organize something special for her boyfriend.

While he was parking the car we gave her a card to write to accompany the bottle of bubbles to go to the room. She got emotional and started cry. We offered a Kleenex, he came back and they went to the room.

The card just said “Doesn’t matter where you are, it only matter who you are with. I love you”.

Plain and simple. So true. Made my heart cringe. I was in the corridor and could not remember what love felt like. What happiness felt like. What actually feeling something for someone felt like.

B.

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Shame in you

Throw out, blow up, hold in

Show fine, no signs, grow blind

I dressed up. I looked nice. I was ready. Ready for anything. Ready for a kiss, ready for a shag, ready for even just talking. I got nothing. As usual. Nothing. Oh no, i did get a “hi”. Great. Fucking great.

I looked at my friend and told her when he wanted to shag our other friend he wasn’t so hard to catch. Not a joy in life.

I feel like the duff, honestly. I’m the friend. Everyone’s friend. Nice and smiley, chatty (until I like someone). That’s it. Don’t deserve anything. No one really fancy me. No one text me. If I didn’t have my friends I wouldn’t even need a phone.

I’m really and empty. I feel embarrassed cause when tomorrow he’ll come ask me for a cappuccino he’ll know I have a crush on him. And he’ll be embarrassed cause doesn’t like me but he is polite.

Life sucks.

B.

Under pressure 

You know when you are sitting on a plane, you got your music on and that’s when tears start streaming down your face. You try to make a point of your life and realise what an absolut mess you are. 

I’ve been out of job for the last 2 months. It was my choice. Was it stupid? Yes. Do I regret it? Damn No. When you are in position of responsability and work between 12 and 14 hours a day for £1400 a month and don’t even feel appreciated is it really worth? So, now I found a hostess job in a Michelin starred restaurant not too far from home. Do I like it? No. Am I going to take it? Guess so. It’s like a three steps back. And I hate that. Worked my ass off for 4 years to now get a hostess job. FML. 

My love life is a disaster. I’ve got a boyfriend that I’m about to see after over 2 months. Since I moved back home we spoke on the phone maybe 6 times. In 2 months. Is that normal? Don’t think so. Also I have feelings for someone else. Someone that is poisoned like one of those bad snakes that could kill you with a bite. We also have a past. Not a relationship like, a colleagues with benefits story, while he had a girlfriend and I was in love with him. I moved away. I thought I found love. The first two years of my relationship were fine. I haven’t felt like I needed him again. We saw every six months but I wasn’t feeling anything. Then last December something changed. My relationship started sinking and he was always there. Nothing happen until few months after. And here we go. I’m addicted to him like a man in the early nineties with heroine. Love the feeling and then die of overdose. And he keep pushing me on getting this job cause will make me move pretty closed to him. Why? Why you have this need of making me love you and destroying me at the same time? I wish I could ask him but we have some strange boundaries. 

I don’t know anymore where I want to be or what I want to do. B.