Goodbye, Apathy


What is your vice? You know that mine is the illusion. 

My memories are fading away. I went to get some agopuncture done on Saturday, I was there alone in silence with some relaxing music and all I could think of was nothing. I couldn’t even remember his face. I was sad and crying without knowing even how did he look like. I know it’s good. That my head is doing something to getting me back on truck but it’s still damn hard. 

I got my hair done and put on a nice black see- through blouse and a skirt with really high hills. I went to the usual bar where we go and met my friends, I was in the mood for a g&t. At my third sip he and his girlfriend appeared. It was like a cold shower. I managed to slightly move and give them my back. I couldn’t look at that. Not again. Not for the third fucking time. I wanted to be the one that makes him happy. Their friends (once mine too) eventually appeared. Only one of them still treats me the same way. He came and gave me a big bear hug. And while I turned he looked at me. Did he see what he left? Did he realised how empty I feel? Apathy. Mixed with only a few drops of sadness. I’m a mess. I still had to pretend it’s all good, my friend knew I was lying. He gave me a sorry look when I told him everything was great. I don’t have nothing left. 

B. 

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Let’s Hurt Tonight 


Tell me all of the things that you couldn’t before

Don’t walk away, don’t roll your eyes

They say love is pain, well darling, let’s hurt tonight. 


Has been almost a week and I still didn’t hear anything from him. I didn’t write him either cause I thought I had to wait and see. And what I’m seeing is not what I was hoping for. 

I wanted to tell him, or at least let him read it. Show him this blog and a letter I wrote. But is it worth it? I’m broken already, he just gonna walk over me. 

I hate myself, my thoughts, my fucking idea of him. Nothing is like I lived it. Nothing. 

And I feel so empty right now. 

B. 

Dive 

If sex was something sweet for me would totally be a Sacher Torte, but not just a basic one, the one with an extra layer of chocolate ganache. That smooth bittersweet taste and then the fresh sourness of the apricot jam. Heaven. Absolute heaven. 

So on Friday I was left with him meeting his ex and me feeling even more extra confused. I was really hoping that would have been the end of everything, in a way or another, but karma is a bitch so few hours later he text me to say that she was too tired so ditched him. Again I had mixed feelings. I just told him to please come home (and I mean the hometown as he lives away). I kinda of kept him company till he got back.  

The following day I just really wanted to see him, to see his face, even to get a meaningless hug just to feel something again, but I had plans and the timings were not matching. Anyway we left it with a “we meet at the usual place”. 

It took me two hours to get ready, girls know what I mean with two hours. I was on point, ready for anything that could have happened. I’m not a big make up user but I done my best and I honestly felt pretty. But of course wasn’t enough. 

I got at the bar with my girls and we started having a drink, we were meant to go elsewhere but I just needed to see him. I just wanted him to look at me and think I looked good. We were ready to go and he still wasn’t there. I begged my friends to wait another minute. They hate him. They did in the past, then they thought he was kind of ok, but now we are back to “He is just a cunt not worth anything” and I can never answer to that. So someone joked with “Are we waiting again for the coming of the Messiah?”. Funny enough he appeared at the door. I was probably bright pink, all I wanted to was a “Hello how’s it going?”but no. He passed by, saying a general hello and without even looking at me in the face. It felt like a slap on my cheek. Got a beer with his friend and left to go outside. My best friend just looked at me and said “That’s what I just wanted to avoid”. My expression changed. So we left, I took the back door cause I didn’t want to even look at him or feel even more pathetic.

After an hour I just text him why he can send me messages to tell me he meets his ex but he can’t even look at me. His answer came soon enough saying he did say hi. I didn’t text him back. An hour later he text me he felt sorry about it and that he even looked at me. Lies. All lies. I said something like “Fine, sorry”. 

The night was going, I wasn’t there with my head. Had a few glasses of wine and asked him to meet up the following day. 

I was up early, went for a walk, breakfast with my friends and then back home. He text me around 12 that he just woke up and didn’t know if he would have manage to catch up. I said not to worry cause I didn’t feel I wanted to look at him in the eyes again. Well he asked me a few questions like when I was having lunch and where, then pretty much what I understood was that he would have pass by my family’s place to get the train ticket and that’s where I was for lunch. I put a lace bodysuit under a see through top, back trousers and boots. I wanted him to see that bodysuit and remember what he did to me in it. 

Banging on 14,22 he passed in front of the restaurant glass door going towards the bar area. He could have not seen me but I did. The train was at 14,45 so I was pretty confident he would have looked for me or msg me. Minutes were passing by, I was just staring at my phone. And.. nothing happened. And I feel broken and stupid again. 

B. 

Walk away. 

Has passed over a month before he decided to open up and tell me all the things that were happening in his life. I’ve been messaging him just trying to support him, not to often because I’m too scared to lose him. 

February 5th, around midday. He finally decided to come to mine for a cup of coffee, after I told him that I really cared about him and was too difficult to me helping him like that. It was awkward at first and then he started. They kind of broke up for a few weeks, then everything was fine but she confessed she had an affair while they were apart. Well. No. I was not happy. I should have been jumping but how can you be happy seeing his face so sad? We kept talking and he said something really hurtful “She cheated mentally, while I cheat physically”. And I wanted to scream “No. No. No. No. NO. Why do you say this to me? Why if you are broken you need to break me too? Why you needed so much to speak with me before then? Why you kept saying to move where you lived? Why you kept saying sleep at mine? Why you made me feel needed and special? Why you kissed me like there was no tomorrow?” but I didn’t. I just looked at him and me, like if I was outside my body and all that was happening was just a bad dream. He told me my silence was killing him. His words destroyed me.

B. 

Goodbye Kiss 

Life has not been going in the direction I was hoping. 

After Boxing Day everything started to fall apart. Literally all my world. I’ve been trying to put my head and energy elsewhere but it’s not working. Especially in the last 2 weeks I had only 2 full night sleep. So you can imagine how mentally and physically I am doing. 

We met on December 26th and well, you know. When we got in the lift he kissed me and I felt some need in it, but I was probably wrong. We got in the house and again kissing while standing and doing some chit chat, until when he said to me “I’m going to do something like the kind of things you do.” with his girlfriend, I thought he was gonna meet the family. But you know, when someone says something like that with something pushing on your leg, I’m not so sure how can you react. I just kept going. But I wasn’t there. I was lost in the tunnel. Completely lost in my thoughts. 

He went away for NYE, didn’t even send a stupid message. I waited until January 2nd and then I messaged him, but he was broken and far away. He didn’t want to tell me what happen, but I’ve been speaking with him for so long that I know something was really wrong and I just felt  helpless and sad inside. 

How can the only thing that matters to me is just him being happy?