Hear You Me

On sleepless roads the sleepless go.

There is not a single aspect in my life that goes well. Today I found out my ex boyfriend is talking to someone and this broke me even more. I don’t know why. I know I should be so sad and selfish. I should be ok with him finding a better love than me but I can’t.

I’m so broken. I cried all day. He had been my only real boyfriend. He has been the only one that truly loved me and accepted me and tried to stay with me. I know I never truly appreciated him, I always had that cunt in the back of my head, but he was good and it’s all my fault our relationship is over. We broke up a month ago and I thought we would have ended up together. This has been a slap in the face.

I want to be alone forever. Love hurts. I’m never enough. I don’t want to meet anyone else ever again. I don’t want to let anyone in. I don’t want it. I don’t deserve always this pain.

This was our song.

B.

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No One’s Gonna Love You

But no one is ever gonna love you more than I do, no one is gonna love you more than I do.

Last Sunday

I never told you guys that my brother is really handsome. And that’s a problem. He is 2 years younger than me, so 26.

When I was 19 during summer I went to work to a hotel by the seaside, my granny used to phone me to tell me about a girl that was picking up my brother with her car and was 25. That thing kept going for months. I went back home and I met this guy on Halloween. We really hit it on. He was so funny ( I thought he was, now when I read the crap he writes on fb I’m like “Wtf?!”), anyway we started texting and dating. Eventually he broke it off cause couldn’t get over is ex cause they broke up the week before we met and meant to get married (he was like 28) and I was too young. Well well.. guess who was his girlfriend? The one my brother has been shagging for months.

This morning I went to get breakfast where my brother works. I got in and he was like “guess who I went clubbing with last night?”. The blood froze through my veins. No. No. No. But yes. He went to the club with His girlfriend, her bestie and another guy. “Apparently there is some crisis. He was texting her and she was like to her bestie ‘Can you believe he writes me this kind of things?’. Nothing happen and after we drop her off at her house her bestie said to me things are not going well, he is too much of a looser.” – Great. Really fucking great. And I don’t mean it in a sarcastic way, because I’m a fucking dickhead. I don’t want him to be sad. I don’t want him to suffer. I don’t want him to be sad. I just want him to be happy, cause for how much it can hurt knowing he is shagging or loving someone else, it hurts much more knowing that he is suffering. Knowing that he is sad and broken. I just want his happiness. I wanted to be his happiness. So I can’t let this happen. I CAN’T.

I meet my brother at my parents in the afternoon and ask him please don’t go there. I ask him that if he really wants to go with her he should wait when they are officially off. He asks me why. I can’t tell him the truth. I just say he knows what he feels like to be cheated on, so he shouldn’t do that to someone else. “I won’t. I need to keep a low profile just now, that would ruin me, but she invited me to this birthday party tonight.”

Turns out the birthday party is in the same place were we go for drinks usually. She is here but He is not, probably already went back to the town where he works. I’ve got my dog with me, cause he is the most amazing thing in the world and she loves that breed. When my brother is there she smiles and wants to see and touch my dog. I told him she touches him I pull out all her teeth with my bare hands. She already has all I wanted in life, fucking stay away from what I got left. Guess my brother gets it’s not a good idea to push me. So now I just have to wait and see. I will keep putting in his head that he should not go there.

If You are reading this, I’m doing all I can. We don’t speak to each other, we barely say hi. Years ago You said I was a betrayer when I knew one of your former lover went to your former girlfriend telling her all the crap you did. I wanted to stay out of it. I didn’t want to be involved. I don’t want you to hate me more than you already do. I love you. Always have, always will. You are my person. The day I met your eyes that was it. I found my happy place and I’ll never be yours. I’ll never be enough.

B.

Fusilli with Mushrooms Sauce. 


I didn’t feel like writing for long time. I almost forgot about him, about life even about the pain. 

But today I’m feeling it deep down, thorough my bones.

I just saw a post on Facebook from his friends, cause he ditched them. 

So I didn’t update in so long that you don’t know what happened. 

I told you about the sex I had with that new guy, well wasn’t my plan to keep doing it, but was taking away my head from the rest.  Then the situations changed. I’ve always been honest with him. I told him I had a boyfriend and wasn’t looking for nothing but life is a bitch and he started have feelings. I didn’t want to hurt him. He was a nice guy. So had to cut it. 

The other one, well he said bad things about me to his friends, he avoided me completely and then one night I saw it. We were at the same bar, I saw how he was talking to her. I saw how he was laughing. I saw the “involuntary” touches. I saw how he has been with me. I knew it. I knew was her. The funny part is that he always said he didn’t like her, too tighten up. I felt helpless: things never change. She is very beautiful. And again the plain kind he goes for. The one he can show off at concert and with his friends. The one that is not me. 

I just feel the tears streaming down my cheeks. 

He ditched his friends cause has been her birthday. He probably took her somewhere nice. Cause is not ashamed of her like he was of me. Cause I never been enough. 

I wish it was me. I wish I was happy as when he made me lunch after a good morning of sex. Fusilli with Mushrooms Sauce. I can’t even buy the same pasta brand. It was even my favourite. 

One day I’ll be happy with myself again. 

B. 

Happy you’re gone 

This melody will fade away and die..

Just for today, breath me and say goodbye 



I had sex last night. Empty, soulless sex. 

I don’t know why I done it, it just kind of happen. I meet this guy a few months ago and he was a charmer. Didn’t see him until a few weeks ago, I was drunk and talked some nonsense to his friend about sex with no attachment. He had me on Fb and started message me, we chit chat a little but nothing serious. He started ask me out and I kept finding excuses. Until last night, I felt alone and bored and sad. I needed a distraction. 

He showed up, taller than me, dark hair and eyes with a growing beard with a box of strawberries and a bottle of red. 

We started chatting and found out we have many things in common, many people we know and that we even had the same teacher and that one of my biggest teenager crush is his best friend. We talked about love, work and future. Then he asked me about my boyfriend, if he knew about me being there with him. I told him no and that I was not planning to tell him. And then he kissed me, slowly. I didn’t feel any butterflies, I didn’t feel warm between my legs. I didn’t feel anything. I don’t know why I accepted to keep going and moved to my room. I was just in need of someone to take care of me. We played around and then he was in me. Nothing special, I kept my eyes closed the all time. I was dreaming of him being someone else, but he wasn’t. I could feel it. Nothing was the same. I’m not on birth control and I told him a few times, he still forgot. This morning I went to get a day after pill. Almost thirty and was my first time being so stupid with someone I don’t even know the last name. Great. 

I miss him so much, this stupid nonsense sex just reminded me how much I need him, how much I want to feel his lips on mine and his hands on me. Why I can’t? Why? 

B. 

Why do I miss you? 

Why am I feeling like this? Why can’t I just stop thinking? I just want to sleep more than 20 minutes at the time. 
Friday. 

I got to the bar, sitting, having a drink with the girls, I felt a shadow behind him and just looked at the back of his head. 

Saturday. 

I got in the bar, he went outside, got my drink went outside and he got back in, I got in and he went out again. 

Sunday. 

I was standing at the bar with my friends and he just looked at me with sufficiency. I had to fight the tears from coming down. I got home and I texted him, to please pass by. I just needed to know he was alright and was feeling better but he got back to me saying he was going home. Lies. Always lies. He last accessed WA at 3 am. He was out banging someone else. I know it. I could feel it. I hate life. So I blocked him everywhere and then texted him. I told him I was in bed hating myself while he was outside happily shagging. I thought I had no more tears but I was wrong. That the only thing that matter to me was his happiness. 

He’ll never get it. He could have take anything from me. I just wanted him to be happy. I wanted to make him happy. I hate life. 

B. 

So pick me. Choose me. Love me. 


I’ve got this quote stuck in my head. I just want to stop thinking of him. It’s so painful. 

I met him for a coffee on Saturday. I never felt so nervous sitting at the same table. We started chit chatting of normal stuff then he said to me that he met his ex and while they were speaking he told her what I said to him (why someone cheat), but I never told him that I cheated because was with him. Only him. I would have not done it even with Bradley Cooper. And then he said to her that I was mad cause she had him that way and didn’t understand anything of him. Those were my actual words. And he didn’t understand them. He didn’t get that all I meant. How much I care about him, what I would have done if I was so lucky to be with him. But no. I think he thought that I said that just to make him feel better. How did she not get that either? 

I don’t know if laugh or cry. 

B. 

The Dreamer 

I know what you did last summer. Throw back to one of the best nights of my life


I’ve been waiting to meet him for 6 endless months. I was dreaming his face, his deep brown eyes, his perfect teeth. I just missed him so much.
I stop eating on Thursday, my stomach was on strike and nothing could have make it work. I was counting the seconds till I would have meet him.
I had a couple of drinks with the rest of his friends, my heart was beating so hard I was worried other people could have heard it.
I just felt his presenze behind me, he press his lips on my cheeck and my body got rock hard. I needed him. I wanted to feel his lips, his hands all over my body. I wanted him inside me, I wanted to feel him as soon as possible.
The crew left to go to the restaurant and he asked me to join him to pick up another friend and then meet up with the rest. Neither of us were talking, but as soon as he started the car we started kissing. His lips were so soft, but he was carving for me. He was passionate, his tongue in my mouth. I just couldn’t wait but unfortunately we were part of a group. 
We were sitting beside and I couldn’t keep my hands away from his thigh. I loved teasing him in public, that feeling of not being discovered is priceless. We were nothing official, we both have partners that are not in our hometown. 
Time couldn’t pass slower, I was going crazy. After 2 long hours we managed to leave. Pretending to say bye and then meeting outside mine. 
He drove for a couple of minutes until we reached a beach. Took a big towel out of the car and show me down by the lake. It was midnight, you could see the lights on the other coast, the star shining above us and could hear the noise of the waves. But nothing was as gorgeous as himself. 
We started kissing, I could feel he needed me too. A little rough beard touching my skin, keep kissing me down my neck and pulling down part of my dress then taking care of my breasts, licking and sucking my nipples. He didn’t even reach down there and I was ready anyway, but he wasn’t. He loved being generous. He pulled up the skirt and down the panties and started licking, kissing and biting me. I’m always too excited to reach the big ‘O’ cause the only thing I care his making him feel like that’s the best sex he could get and that his girlfriend is not enough. 
I take off his shirt and start biting and kissing his neck, he started moan. Licking his left nipple, I start undo his zip. I slowly start touch his erection, while he pushes it closer to me. 
I start kissing it, using my tongue up and down, wetting it more and more. I know what he likes and start sucking his balls and going even more far down. My only goal was to drive him insane and he knew it. 
I got on top and started riding him, I could see his face, kiss him and bite him. You know you are in trouble when you look at him and think you have and will never see anything more beautiful. 
He took me from behind, slapping my ass and holding my neck, coming closer and keep kissing me. Making me feel that he needed me too. 
One hour after I can hear his breath changing, getting faster. Holding my head down thight, while he cummed in my mouth. 
“Dear God, I feel dizzy. I got visions.” he said. 
I rolled over on the side with my breast still out and the dressed rolled up. “You look like a paint.” My heart lost a beat. I wish I didn’t love him, that I was the one that he introduced home, that walk about holding hands. 
He dropped me at mine and kiss me good night, with the promise of repeating it the following night. 
B.
Ps: unfortunately we got carried away a little too much, he ended up with some scratches and marks on his chests that he didn’t appreciate. Not speaking with me in two days. 
Pps: I didn’t do it on purpose. I swear on my dog that I love to bits.