“Vulnerability is the essence of romance. It’s the art of being uncalculated, the willingness to look foolish, the courage to say, ‘This is me, and I’m interested in you enough to show you my flaws with the hope that you may embrace me for all that I am but, more important, all that I am not.'”


Vulnerability. What’s that?

Days pass by and I just need some kind of contact. I don’t want anyone that fucks with my brain. I just want not to think. I already gave up my vulnerability and I got it back.

I downloaded Tinder, but to I am embarrass to actually set it up and use it. Some days I just wish I was living in a big city. I know everyone here and I don’t have any physical attraction to anyone.

If I was a boy I would say “Hard days”.




I want to hide the truth

I want to shelter you

Well guys, I was at really boring birthday party last night and all I could do was looking outside the window. I literally had nobody to talk to. Anyway I saw a face i new outside the next door pub. He was one of his friends. I could feel warm inside, that was hope. I saw his car passing by, then again looking for a parking. I joined the smokers outside and waited. I could recognise his way of walking anywhere. I saw him in the distance and waited. He got there and started scanning the crowd, saw me and mouthed a “Hello”. I smiled back. He went inside. His face was pale, looked like shit. Big eye bags. Dressed in total black.

That’s it.

My friend said to me last week “You want to see him cause you feel better and want to show off, show him you don’t need him”. She was wrong. I wanted to see him cause I miss him, cause even if I hate all the situation I’m sad to see him looking like shit cause his new gf moved abroad. Cause again, for the hundred million times, he comes before me. Wrong, I know.


Hear You Me

On sleepless roads the sleepless go.

There is not a single aspect in my life that goes well. Today I found out my ex boyfriend is talking to someone and this broke me even more. I don’t know why. I know I should be so sad and selfish. I should be ok with him finding a better love than me but I can’t.

I’m so broken. I cried all day. He had been my only real boyfriend. He has been the only one that truly loved me and accepted me and tried to stay with me. I know I never truly appreciated him, I always had that cunt in the back of my head, but he was good and it’s all my fault our relationship is over. We broke up a month ago and I thought we would have ended up together. This has been a slap in the face.

I want to be alone forever. Love hurts. I’m never enough. I don’t want to meet anyone else ever again. I don’t want to let anyone in. I don’t want it. I don’t deserve always this pain.

This was our song.


No One’s Gonna Love You

But no one is ever gonna love you more than I do, no one is gonna love you more than I do.

Last Sunday

I never told you guys that my brother is really handsome. And that’s a problem. He is 2 years younger than me, so 26.

When I was 19 during summer I went to work to a hotel by the seaside, my granny used to phone me to tell me about a girl that was picking up my brother with her car and was 25. That thing kept going for months. I went back home and I met this guy on Halloween. We really hit it on. He was so funny ( I thought he was, now when I read the crap he writes on fb I’m like “Wtf?!”), anyway we started texting and dating. Eventually he broke it off cause couldn’t get over is ex cause they broke up the week before we met and meant to get married (he was like 28) and I was too young. Well well.. guess who was his girlfriend? The one my brother has been shagging for months.

This morning I went to get breakfast where my brother works. I got in and he was like “guess who I went clubbing with last night?”. The blood froze through my veins. No. No. No. But yes. He went to the club with His girlfriend, her bestie and another guy. “Apparently there is some crisis. He was texting her and she was like to her bestie ‘Can you believe he writes me this kind of things?’. Nothing happen and after we drop her off at her house her bestie said to me things are not going well, he is too much of a looser.” – Great. Really fucking great. And I don’t mean it in a sarcastic way, because I’m a fucking dickhead. I don’t want him to be sad. I don’t want him to suffer. I don’t want him to be sad. I just want him to be happy, cause for how much it can hurt knowing he is shagging or loving someone else, it hurts much more knowing that he is suffering. Knowing that he is sad and broken. I just want his happiness. I wanted to be his happiness. So I can’t let this happen. I CAN’T.

I meet my brother at my parents in the afternoon and ask him please don’t go there. I ask him that if he really wants to go with her he should wait when they are officially off. He asks me why. I can’t tell him the truth. I just say he knows what he feels like to be cheated on, so he shouldn’t do that to someone else. “I won’t. I need to keep a low profile just now, that would ruin me, but she invited me to this birthday party tonight.”

Turns out the birthday party is in the same place were we go for drinks usually. She is here but He is not, probably already went back to the town where he works. I’ve got my dog with me, cause he is the most amazing thing in the world and she loves that breed. When my brother is there she smiles and wants to see and touch my dog. I told him she touches him I pull out all her teeth with my bare hands. She already has all I wanted in life, fucking stay away from what I got left. Guess my brother gets it’s not a good idea to push me. So now I just have to wait and see. I will keep putting in his head that he should not go there.

If You are reading this, I’m doing all I can. We don’t speak to each other, we barely say hi. Years ago You said I was a betrayer when I knew one of your former lover went to your former girlfriend telling her all the crap you did. I wanted to stay out of it. I didn’t want to be involved. I don’t want you to hate me more than you already do. I love you. Always have, always will. You are my person. The day I met your eyes that was it. I found my happy place and I’ll never be yours. I’ll never be enough.


Fusilli with Mushrooms Sauce. 

I didn’t feel like writing for long time. I almost forgot about him, about life even about the pain. 

But today I’m feeling it deep down, thorough my bones.

I just saw a post on Facebook from his friends, cause he ditched them. 

So I didn’t update in so long that you don’t know what happened. 

I told you about the sex I had with that new guy, well wasn’t my plan to keep doing it, but was taking away my head from the rest.  Then the situations changed. I’ve always been honest with him. I told him I had a boyfriend and wasn’t looking for nothing but life is a bitch and he started have feelings. I didn’t want to hurt him. He was a nice guy. So had to cut it. 

The other one, well he said bad things about me to his friends, he avoided me completely and then one night I saw it. We were at the same bar, I saw how he was talking to her. I saw how he was laughing. I saw the “involuntary” touches. I saw how he has been with me. I knew it. I knew was her. The funny part is that he always said he didn’t like her, too tighten up. I felt helpless: things never change. She is very beautiful. And again the plain kind he goes for. The one he can show off at concert and with his friends. The one that is not me. 

I just feel the tears streaming down my cheeks. 

He ditched his friends cause has been her birthday. He probably took her somewhere nice. Cause is not ashamed of her like he was of me. Cause I never been enough. 

I wish it was me. I wish I was happy as when he made me lunch after a good morning of sex. Fusilli with Mushrooms Sauce. I can’t even buy the same pasta brand. It was even my favourite. 

One day I’ll be happy with myself again. 


Happy you’re gone 

This melody will fade away and die..

Just for today, breath me and say goodbye 

I had sex last night. Empty, soulless sex. 

I don’t know why I done it, it just kind of happen. I meet this guy a few months ago and he was a charmer. Didn’t see him until a few weeks ago, I was drunk and talked some nonsense to his friend about sex with no attachment. He had me on Fb and started message me, we chit chat a little but nothing serious. He started ask me out and I kept finding excuses. Until last night, I felt alone and bored and sad. I needed a distraction. 

He showed up, taller than me, dark hair and eyes with a growing beard with a box of strawberries and a bottle of red. 

We started chatting and found out we have many things in common, many people we know and that we even had the same teacher and that one of my biggest teenager crush is his best friend. We talked about love, work and future. Then he asked me about my boyfriend, if he knew about me being there with him. I told him no and that I was not planning to tell him. And then he kissed me, slowly. I didn’t feel any butterflies, I didn’t feel warm between my legs. I didn’t feel anything. I don’t know why I accepted to keep going and moved to my room. I was just in need of someone to take care of me. We played around and then he was in me. Nothing special, I kept my eyes closed the all time. I was dreaming of him being someone else, but he wasn’t. I could feel it. Nothing was the same. I’m not on birth control and I told him a few times, he still forgot. This morning I went to get a day after pill. Almost thirty and was my first time being so stupid with someone I don’t even know the last name. Great. 

I miss him so much, this stupid nonsense sex just reminded me how much I need him, how much I want to feel his lips on mine and his hands on me. Why I can’t? Why? 


Why do I miss you? 

Why am I feeling like this? Why can’t I just stop thinking? I just want to sleep more than 20 minutes at the time. 

I got to the bar, sitting, having a drink with the girls, I felt a shadow behind him and just looked at the back of his head. 


I got in the bar, he went outside, got my drink went outside and he got back in, I got in and he went out again. 


I was standing at the bar with my friends and he just looked at me with sufficiency. I had to fight the tears from coming down. I got home and I texted him, to please pass by. I just needed to know he was alright and was feeling better but he got back to me saying he was going home. Lies. Always lies. He last accessed WA at 3 am. He was out banging someone else. I know it. I could feel it. I hate life. So I blocked him everywhere and then texted him. I told him I was in bed hating myself while he was outside happily shagging. I thought I had no more tears but I was wrong. That the only thing that matter to me was his happiness. 

He’ll never get it. He could have take anything from me. I just wanted him to be happy. I wanted to make him happy. I hate life.