Ye’ll tak’ the high road, and I’ll tak’ the low road

The night is always the hardest time.

My dog is snoring beside me and I’m wide awake.

Images fill my head. Most of them are streets, nature and places. Not people, just feelings. I miss it so much. The colours. The big sky and clouds. The melancholy it made me feel. Don’t get me wrong, I love my home. It’s just that I’m broken. When you travel and live abroad that’s how it works. You just feel it. You don’t belong anywhere but everywhere. And nowhere is how you felt home before you started.

Friday night I left home like a gipsy. Guess what? I met him. He is loosing more hair, was wearing a stupid jeans and sheep jacket and he still was the most beautiful thing for miles. I behaved. I stayed in my corner. Got an hello. Happy days. Not.

I just feel so empty.

B.

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WTAF

I know guys. Sorry. I’m so boring lately. I’ve got nothing new to say. Literally nothing is happening in my life. Nothing. Zero. I changed job and it’s ok, easy peasy. I am so alone right now it’s crazy.

I need a good shag. I deserve it. Honestly. The last mediocre 15 min was the 12th August. 7 months and 12 days. The last good one was 15 months ago. 15. FIFTEEN. My fucking Jeez. What. I feel like crying right now. Virgin Again. Life is brutal. No one should deserve this. But again. I don’t want to get involve with anyone. I don’t want even to speak, actually especially not to speak. No brain fucking please. That’s why I want someone really hot. I have never been a “looking just at the look person”, but now.. that’s all I want. Like if I have physical attraction will be much easier not to feel the need of talking. God. Help.

B.

Cunt – Rant

I always been a romantic. Always. Always dreamed about the fucking happy ending, about things going well. But I always been wrong.

My ex emailed me about my stuff still at his house (even if 2 months ago I asked him to give it all to charity) and then he started about him never cheating on me and bla bla bla. A friend told me today she found out at work he was with someone and then with another. Fucking cheating bastard. So yeah. I done it. I vomit all over him all the fucking things I had in my head. All of it. There was more fucks than words.

I just want apathy. I want to be able to sleep at night and don’t give a fuck about anyone.

B.

No One’s Gonna Love You

But no one is ever gonna love you more than I do, no one is gonna love you more than I do.

Last Sunday

I never told you guys that my brother is really handsome. And that’s a problem. He is 2 years younger than me, so 26.

When I was 19 during summer I went to work to a hotel by the seaside, my granny used to phone me to tell me about a girl that was picking up my brother with her car and was 25. That thing kept going for months. I went back home and I met this guy on Halloween. We really hit it on. He was so funny ( I thought he was, now when I read the crap he writes on fb I’m like “Wtf?!”), anyway we started texting and dating. Eventually he broke it off cause couldn’t get over is ex cause they broke up the week before we met and meant to get married (he was like 28) and I was too young. Well well.. guess who was his girlfriend? The one my brother has been shagging for months.

This morning I went to get breakfast where my brother works. I got in and he was like “guess who I went clubbing with last night?”. The blood froze through my veins. No. No. No. But yes. He went to the club with His girlfriend, her bestie and another guy. “Apparently there is some crisis. He was texting her and she was like to her bestie ‘Can you believe he writes me this kind of things?’. Nothing happen and after we drop her off at her house her bestie said to me things are not going well, he is too much of a looser.” – Great. Really fucking great. And I don’t mean it in a sarcastic way, because I’m a fucking dickhead. I don’t want him to be sad. I don’t want him to suffer. I don’t want him to be sad. I just want him to be happy, cause for how much it can hurt knowing he is shagging or loving someone else, it hurts much more knowing that he is suffering. Knowing that he is sad and broken. I just want his happiness. I wanted to be his happiness. So I can’t let this happen. I CAN’T.

I meet my brother at my parents in the afternoon and ask him please don’t go there. I ask him that if he really wants to go with her he should wait when they are officially off. He asks me why. I can’t tell him the truth. I just say he knows what he feels like to be cheated on, so he shouldn’t do that to someone else. “I won’t. I need to keep a low profile just now, that would ruin me, but she invited me to this birthday party tonight.”

Turns out the birthday party is in the same place were we go for drinks usually. She is here but He is not, probably already went back to the town where he works. I’ve got my dog with me, cause he is the most amazing thing in the world and she loves that breed. When my brother is there she smiles and wants to see and touch my dog. I told him she touches him I pull out all her teeth with my bare hands. She already has all I wanted in life, fucking stay away from what I got left. Guess my brother gets it’s not a good idea to push me. So now I just have to wait and see. I will keep putting in his head that he should not go there.

If You are reading this, I’m doing all I can. We don’t speak to each other, we barely say hi. Years ago You said I was a betrayer when I knew one of your former lover went to your former girlfriend telling her all the crap you did. I wanted to stay out of it. I didn’t want to be involved. I don’t want you to hate me more than you already do. I love you. Always have, always will. You are my person. The day I met your eyes that was it. I found my happy place and I’ll never be yours. I’ll never be enough.

B.

Goodbye, Apathy


What is your vice? You know that mine is the illusion. 

My memories are fading away. I went to get some agopuncture done on Saturday, I was there alone in silence with some relaxing music and all I could think of was nothing. I couldn’t even remember his face. I was sad and crying without knowing even how did he look like. I know it’s good. That my head is doing something to getting me back on truck but it’s still damn hard. 

I got my hair done and put on a nice black see- through blouse and a skirt with really high hills. I went to the usual bar where we go and met my friends, I was in the mood for a g&t. At my third sip he and his girlfriend appeared. It was like a cold shower. I managed to slightly move and give them my back. I couldn’t look at that. Not again. Not for the third fucking time. I wanted to be the one that makes him happy. Their friends (once mine too) eventually appeared. Only one of them still treats me the same way. He came and gave me a big bear hug. And while I turned he looked at me. Did he see what he left? Did he realised how empty I feel? Apathy. Mixed with only a few drops of sadness. I’m a mess. I still had to pretend it’s all good, my friend knew I was lying. He gave me a sorry look when I told him everything was great. I don’t have nothing left. 

B. 

The Dreamer 

I know what you did last summer. Throw back to one of the best nights of my life


I’ve been waiting to meet him for 6 endless months. I was dreaming his face, his deep brown eyes, his perfect teeth. I just missed him so much.
I stop eating on Thursday, my stomach was on strike and nothing could have make it work. I was counting the seconds till I would have meet him.
I had a couple of drinks with the rest of his friends, my heart was beating so hard I was worried other people could have heard it.
I just felt his presenze behind me, he press his lips on my cheeck and my body got rock hard. I needed him. I wanted to feel his lips, his hands all over my body. I wanted him inside me, I wanted to feel him as soon as possible.
The crew left to go to the restaurant and he asked me to join him to pick up another friend and then meet up with the rest. Neither of us were talking, but as soon as he started the car we started kissing. His lips were so soft, but he was carving for me. He was passionate, his tongue in my mouth. I just couldn’t wait but unfortunately we were part of a group. 
We were sitting beside and I couldn’t keep my hands away from his thigh. I loved teasing him in public, that feeling of not being discovered is priceless. We were nothing official, we both have partners that are not in our hometown. 
Time couldn’t pass slower, I was going crazy. After 2 long hours we managed to leave. Pretending to say bye and then meeting outside mine. 
He drove for a couple of minutes until we reached a beach. Took a big towel out of the car and show me down by the lake. It was midnight, you could see the lights on the other coast, the star shining above us and could hear the noise of the waves. But nothing was as gorgeous as himself. 
We started kissing, I could feel he needed me too. A little rough beard touching my skin, keep kissing me down my neck and pulling down part of my dress then taking care of my breasts, licking and sucking my nipples. He didn’t even reach down there and I was ready anyway, but he wasn’t. He loved being generous. He pulled up the skirt and down the panties and started licking, kissing and biting me. I’m always too excited to reach the big ‘O’ cause the only thing I care his making him feel like that’s the best sex he could get and that his girlfriend is not enough. 
I take off his shirt and start biting and kissing his neck, he started moan. Licking his left nipple, I start undo his zip. I slowly start touch his erection, while he pushes it closer to me. 
I start kissing it, using my tongue up and down, wetting it more and more. I know what he likes and start sucking his balls and going even more far down. My only goal was to drive him insane and he knew it. 
I got on top and started riding him, I could see his face, kiss him and bite him. You know you are in trouble when you look at him and think you have and will never see anything more beautiful. 
He took me from behind, slapping my ass and holding my neck, coming closer and keep kissing me. Making me feel that he needed me too. 
One hour after I can hear his breath changing, getting faster. Holding my head down thight, while he cummed in my mouth. 
“Dear God, I feel dizzy. I got visions.” he said. 
I rolled over on the side with my breast still out and the dressed rolled up. “You look like a paint.” My heart lost a beat. I wish I didn’t love him, that I was the one that he introduced home, that walk about holding hands. 
He dropped me at mine and kiss me good night, with the promise of repeating it the following night. 
B.
Ps: unfortunately we got carried away a little too much, he ended up with some scratches and marks on his chests that he didn’t appreciate. Not speaking with me in two days. 
Pps: I didn’t do it on purpose. I swear on my dog that I love to bits.