Budapest

Give me one good reason.

My heart was aching. I woke up at 5:30 and literally my heart was aching. I could feel it beating really fast. I couldn’t breathe. I was crying.

I dreamt I went to his house and there was full of people from his work and he wouldn’t talk to me. He didn’t say a word and I just left.

I feel so empty. I see only grey. I miss talking to him so much. I want to tickle his face and kiss those lips again. I want to look into his beautiful almond eyes and feel his muscled body against my back. And I won’t get anything.

I’ve been left on read for the last three days. Guess the answer is really clear.

I had so much love to give.

B.

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Real for you

But I can’t shake the feeling off my mind
That you want more, you want more..

Life goes on and has been almost a month since I saw him.

My break away has been amazing. We ate and drink and had sex several times a day. Yes SEVERAL. It was the best time of my life.

He has a beautiful soul, he’s kind and so so so cleaver.

I haven’t been so happy in so long.

I miss him so much.

B.

We are exactly in the same place as we were before.

Your song

Anyway, the thing is, what I really mean
It’s yours are the sweetest eyes I’ve ever seen

The other day we watched the new John Lewis add.

I can feel it happening again. I can feel my heart slowly breaking in a thousand pieces.

I really liked him. Honestly, I have know idea how this all nonsense happened and all I know is that I really want to be with him. I want to wake up looking at his beautiful face for the rest of my life. And that is mental. I’m the one that rather sleep alone. But you know when you just feel you find peace? That’s how I felt. I like him so much. I hope I wasn’t just a few nights stand. I miss him and I’m so scared.

B.

Countdown

11 days until my holiday. All my hopes are gone tbh. I already feel nothing is going to happen. He never showed much interest and this really turned me off. Good. Better now than later!

Feeling like Bridget Jones when she walks in front of Piccadilly’s.

“Days without sex: a billion”

I can’t even see myself being touched by anyone. Physical contact kind of repulses me. I’m not attracted to anyone. I don’t want to meet or talk to anyone.

B.

Piece of my heart

But each time I tell myself that I, well I can’t stand the pain But when you hold me in your arms, I’ll sing it once again I’ll say come on, come on, come on, come on and take it

So I was working today,  a couple came to check-in. She phoned this morning letting us know it was going to be his birthday and she wanted to organize something special for her boyfriend.

While he was parking the car we gave her a card to write to accompany the bottle of bubbles to go to the room. She got emotional and started cry. We offered a Kleenex, he came back and they went to the room.

The card just said “Doesn’t matter where you are, it only matter who you are with. I love you”.

Plain and simple. So true. Made my heart cringe. I was in the corridor and could not remember what love felt like. What happiness felt like. What actually feeling something for someone felt like.

B.

Shame in you

Throw out, blow up, hold in

Show fine, no signs, grow blind

I dressed up. I looked nice. I was ready. Ready for anything. Ready for a kiss, ready for a shag, ready for even just talking. I got nothing. As usual. Nothing. Oh no, i did get a “hi”. Great. Fucking great.

I looked at my friend and told her when he wanted to shag our other friend he wasn’t so hard to catch. Not a joy in life.

I feel like the duff, honestly. I’m the friend. Everyone’s friend. Nice and smiley, chatty (until I like someone). That’s it. Don’t deserve anything. No one really fancy me. No one text me. If I didn’t have my friends I wouldn’t even need a phone.

I’m really and empty. I feel embarrassed cause when tomorrow he’ll come ask me for a cappuccino he’ll know I have a crush on him. And he’ll be embarrassed cause doesn’t like me but he is polite.

Life sucks.

B.

Handle me with care

I’m so tired of being lonely

I still have some love to give..

Yesterday morning I was in my car driving to work and this song came on and it just got stuck in my head. Music is literally my life companion right now. That’s all I do. Listen to music. And work of course.

But now I feel the need. I feel the need to love and be loved. To have someone that cuddles me, fancy me and make me feel special, while I do the same. I never thought I wanted to love again but here I am.

Sunday I went to a wedding and I was with a couple of friends of the guy I like (that I was telling you in my last post) and I wanted to impress them but I’m not good and I’m too shy. Barely spoke and I was so bored I pretty much spent the all day looking at my phone and hoping for a miracle. But nothing happens in this bloody life. The only bright side is that in mid July my friend and his will celebrate their bday together so I will get the chance at least maybe to speak with him. I still have tomorrow at work but who knows if I will manage. I’m so embarrassed. I just want to be noticed.

Please, give me a bloody sign!

B.