Goodbye, Apathy


What is your vice? You know that mine is the illusion. 

My memories are fading away. I went to get some agopuncture done on Saturday, I was there alone in silence with some relaxing music and all I could think of was nothing. I couldn’t even remember his face. I was sad and crying without knowing even how did he look like. I know it’s good. That my head is doing something to getting me back on truck but it’s still damn hard. 

I got my hair done and put on a nice black see- through blouse and a skirt with really high hills. I went to the usual bar where we go and met my friends, I was in the mood for a g&t. At my third sip he and his girlfriend appeared. It was like a cold shower. I managed to slightly move and give them my back. I couldn’t look at that. Not again. Not for the third fucking time. I wanted to be the one that makes him happy. Their friends (once mine too) eventually appeared. Only one of them still treats me the same way. He came and gave me a big bear hug. And while I turned he looked at me. Did he see what he left? Did he realised how empty I feel? Apathy. Mixed with only a few drops of sadness. I’m a mess. I still had to pretend it’s all good, my friend knew I was lying. He gave me a sorry look when I told him everything was great. I don’t have nothing left. 

B. 

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Hurry up, we’re dreaming


Allko I think about when this song starts is Nick & Jess. I can just picture that scene of realising that they are meant to be together and that’s it. I have this song in my running playlist. My head is not working lately.

Sunday morning I woke up, open Instagram and the first thing that popped up was a picture of him with his new girlfriend, hugging in a vineyard. I could feel the little bit of hope leaving my body. I’m empty. That’s all I can say. I cry and I don’t feel anything. No light at the end of the tunnel. Just emptiness inside and outside. No smile. No concertration. Nothing. I just don’t feel nothing. Why? I wanted to be there. I wanted to be the one hugging him. I wanted to taste the wine and then sleep together. But I was alone in my room crying my eyes out. 

I never feel and I will never feel love again. Other people don’t understand. I might be able to accept someone else, to get comfortable, but it would never be the same. 

I haven’t been answering to my friend, or the one that was so. I hoped he would have read here, that would have get it all but he didn’t. Someone told me that’s what he does, get close to someone and then leave them. I wouldn’t believe it. I have no love and I lost one of the people I trusted. I just needed him to stand up for me and by my side. I just needed to hear that I would have been better. 

Bella with no hope. 

Love is a Dog from Hell. 

I haven’t seen him in almost two months. And the last time I done my best to not even look in his direction. Time passes and I still feel emptiness and apathy. I wake up, work, talk, go out and nothing. I’m lucky that I have amazing friends. 
Today sitting by the lake my friend told me she heard last night he will be moving down under with his new girlfriend. I knew that was gonna happen. I still wasn’t ready for it. I have just a few spare tears and lots of sadness. I had a hope inside me that he will eventually come back and now I just see it disappear. I don’t even feel heartbroken, I don’t feel a heart at all. 

I just want to wake up to one of his text asking how I am, go back in time to a happy day. I just want him to give me a chance, move down under, to China, to fucking Siberia. Anywhere. 

He went to Japan with my best friend also his. Well at least that’s who I thought he was. But at the end he just preferred to be his best friend. I hoped he would stand by me, that he would have said a word. I was wrong. I’m always wrong. 

B. 

Fusilli with Mushrooms Sauce. 


I didn’t feel like writing for long time. I almost forgot about him, about life even about the pain. 

But today I’m feeling it deep down, thorough my bones.

I just saw a post on Facebook from his friends, cause he ditched them. 

So I didn’t update in so long that you don’t know what happened. 

I told you about the sex I had with that new guy, well wasn’t my plan to keep doing it, but was taking away my head from the rest.  Then the situations changed. I’ve always been honest with him. I told him I had a boyfriend and wasn’t looking for nothing but life is a bitch and he started have feelings. I didn’t want to hurt him. He was a nice guy. So had to cut it. 

The other one, well he said bad things about me to his friends, he avoided me completely and then one night I saw it. We were at the same bar, I saw how he was talking to her. I saw how he was laughing. I saw the “involuntary” touches. I saw how he has been with me. I knew it. I knew was her. The funny part is that he always said he didn’t like her, too tighten up. I felt helpless: things never change. She is very beautiful. And again the plain kind he goes for. The one he can show off at concert and with his friends. The one that is not me. 

I just feel the tears streaming down my cheeks. 

He ditched his friends cause has been her birthday. He probably took her somewhere nice. Cause is not ashamed of her like he was of me. Cause I never been enough. 

I wish it was me. I wish I was happy as when he made me lunch after a good morning of sex. Fusilli with Mushrooms Sauce. I can’t even buy the same pasta brand. It was even my favourite. 

One day I’ll be happy with myself again. 

B. 

Why do I miss you? 

Why am I feeling like this? Why can’t I just stop thinking? I just want to sleep more than 20 minutes at the time. 
Friday. 

I got to the bar, sitting, having a drink with the girls, I felt a shadow behind him and just looked at the back of his head. 

Saturday. 

I got in the bar, he went outside, got my drink went outside and he got back in, I got in and he went out again. 

Sunday. 

I was standing at the bar with my friends and he just looked at me with sufficiency. I had to fight the tears from coming down. I got home and I texted him, to please pass by. I just needed to know he was alright and was feeling better but he got back to me saying he was going home. Lies. Always lies. He last accessed WA at 3 am. He was out banging someone else. I know it. I could feel it. I hate life. So I blocked him everywhere and then texted him. I told him I was in bed hating myself while he was outside happily shagging. I thought I had no more tears but I was wrong. That the only thing that matter to me was his happiness. 

He’ll never get it. He could have take anything from me. I just wanted him to be happy. I wanted to make him happy. I hate life. 

B. 

So pick me. Choose me. Love me. 


I’ve got this quote stuck in my head. I just want to stop thinking of him. It’s so painful. 

I met him for a coffee on Saturday. I never felt so nervous sitting at the same table. We started chit chatting of normal stuff then he said to me that he met his ex and while they were speaking he told her what I said to him (why someone cheat), but I never told him that I cheated because was with him. Only him. I would have not done it even with Bradley Cooper. And then he said to her that I was mad cause she had him that way and didn’t understand anything of him. Those were my actual words. And he didn’t understand them. He didn’t get that all I meant. How much I care about him, what I would have done if I was so lucky to be with him. But no. I think he thought that I said that just to make him feel better. How did she not get that either? 

I don’t know if laugh or cry. 

B. 

Under pressure 

You know when you are sitting on a plane, you got your music on and that’s when tears start streaming down your face. You try to make a point of your life and realise what an absolut mess you are. 

I’ve been out of job for the last 2 months. It was my choice. Was it stupid? Yes. Do I regret it? Damn No. When you are in position of responsability and work between 12 and 14 hours a day for £1400 a month and don’t even feel appreciated is it really worth? So, now I found a hostess job in a Michelin starred restaurant not too far from home. Do I like it? No. Am I going to take it? Guess so. It’s like a three steps back. And I hate that. Worked my ass off for 4 years to now get a hostess job. FML. 

My love life is a disaster. I’ve got a boyfriend that I’m about to see after over 2 months. Since I moved back home we spoke on the phone maybe 6 times. In 2 months. Is that normal? Don’t think so. Also I have feelings for someone else. Someone that is poisoned like one of those bad snakes that could kill you with a bite. We also have a past. Not a relationship like, a colleagues with benefits story, while he had a girlfriend and I was in love with him. I moved away. I thought I found love. The first two years of my relationship were fine. I haven’t felt like I needed him again. We saw every six months but I wasn’t feeling anything. Then last December something changed. My relationship started sinking and he was always there. Nothing happen until few months after. And here we go. I’m addicted to him like a man in the early nineties with heroine. Love the feeling and then die of overdose. And he keep pushing me on getting this job cause will make me move pretty closed to him. Why? Why you have this need of making me love you and destroying me at the same time? I wish I could ask him but we have some strange boundaries. 

I don’t know anymore where I want to be or what I want to do. B.