Shame in you

Throw out, blow up, hold in

Show fine, no signs, grow blind

I dressed up. I looked nice. I was ready. Ready for anything. Ready for a kiss, ready for a shag, ready for even just talking. I got nothing. As usual. Nothing. Oh no, i did get a “hi”. Great. Fucking great.

I looked at my friend and told her when he wanted to shag our other friend he wasn’t so hard to catch. Not a joy in life.

I feel like the duff, honestly. I’m the friend. Everyone’s friend. Nice and smiley, chatty (until I like someone). That’s it. Don’t deserve anything. No one really fancy me. No one text me. If I didn’t have my friends I wouldn’t even need a phone.

I’m really and empty. I feel embarrassed cause when tomorrow he’ll come ask me for a cappuccino he’ll know I have a crush on him. And he’ll be embarrassed cause doesn’t like me but he is polite.

Life sucks.

B.

Advertisements

Handle me with care

I’m so tired of being lonely

I still have some love to give..

Yesterday morning I was in my car driving to work and this song came on and it just got stuck in my head. Music is literally my life companion right now. That’s all I do. Listen to music. And work of course.

But now I feel the need. I feel the need to love and be loved. To have someone that cuddles me, fancy me and make me feel special, while I do the same. I never thought I wanted to love again but here I am.

Sunday I went to a wedding and I was with a couple of friends of the guy I like (that I was telling you in my last post) and I wanted to impress them but I’m not good and I’m too shy. Barely spoke and I was so bored I pretty much spent the all day looking at my phone and hoping for a miracle. But nothing happens in this bloody life. The only bright side is that in mid July my friend and his will celebrate their bday together so I will get the chance at least maybe to speak with him. I still have tomorrow at work but who knows if I will manage. I’m so embarrassed. I just want to be noticed.

Please, give me a bloody sign!

B.

WTAF

I know guys. Sorry. I’m so boring lately. I’ve got nothing new to say. Literally nothing is happening in my life. Nothing. Zero. I changed job and it’s ok, easy peasy. I am so alone right now it’s crazy.

I need a good shag. I deserve it. Honestly. The last mediocre 15 min was the 12th August. 7 months and 12 days. The last good one was 15 months ago. 15. FIFTEEN. My fucking Jeez. What. I feel like crying right now. Virgin Again. Life is brutal. No one should deserve this. But again. I don’t want to get involve with anyone. I don’t want even to speak, actually especially not to speak. No brain fucking please. That’s why I want someone really hot. I have never been a “looking just at the look person”, but now.. that’s all I want. Like if I have physical attraction will be much easier not to feel the need of talking. God. Help.

B.

Under pressure 

You know when you are sitting on a plane, you got your music on and that’s when tears start streaming down your face. You try to make a point of your life and realise what an absolut mess you are. 

I’ve been out of job for the last 2 months. It was my choice. Was it stupid? Yes. Do I regret it? Damn No. When you are in position of responsability and work between 12 and 14 hours a day for £1400 a month and don’t even feel appreciated is it really worth? So, now I found a hostess job in a Michelin starred restaurant not too far from home. Do I like it? No. Am I going to take it? Guess so. It’s like a three steps back. And I hate that. Worked my ass off for 4 years to now get a hostess job. FML. 

My love life is a disaster. I’ve got a boyfriend that I’m about to see after over 2 months. Since I moved back home we spoke on the phone maybe 6 times. In 2 months. Is that normal? Don’t think so. Also I have feelings for someone else. Someone that is poisoned like one of those bad snakes that could kill you with a bite. We also have a past. Not a relationship like, a colleagues with benefits story, while he had a girlfriend and I was in love with him. I moved away. I thought I found love. The first two years of my relationship were fine. I haven’t felt like I needed him again. We saw every six months but I wasn’t feeling anything. Then last December something changed. My relationship started sinking and he was always there. Nothing happen until few months after. And here we go. I’m addicted to him like a man in the early nineties with heroine. Love the feeling and then die of overdose. And he keep pushing me on getting this job cause will make me move pretty closed to him. Why? Why you have this need of making me love you and destroying me at the same time? I wish I could ask him but we have some strange boundaries. 

I don’t know anymore where I want to be or what I want to do. B.