I didn’t feel like writing for long time. I almost forgot about him, about life even about the pain.
But today I’m feeling it deep down, thorough my bones.
I just saw a post on Facebook from his friends, cause he ditched them.
So I didn’t update in so long that you don’t know what happened.
I told you about the sex I had with that new guy, well wasn’t my plan to keep doing it, but was taking away my head from the rest. Then the situations changed. I’ve always been honest with him. I told him I had a boyfriend and wasn’t looking for nothing but life is a bitch and he started have feelings. I didn’t want to hurt him. He was a nice guy. So had to cut it.
The other one, well he said bad things about me to his friends, he avoided me completely and then one night I saw it. We were at the same bar, I saw how he was talking to her. I saw how he was laughing. I saw the “involuntary” touches. I saw how he has been with me. I knew it. I knew was her. The funny part is that he always said he didn’t like her, too tighten up. I felt helpless: things never change. She is very beautiful. And again the plain kind he goes for. The one he can show off at concert and with his friends. The one that is not me.
I just feel the tears streaming down my cheeks.
He ditched his friends cause has been her birthday. He probably took her somewhere nice. Cause is not ashamed of her like he was of me. Cause I never been enough.
I wish it was me. I wish I was happy as when he made me lunch after a good morning of sex. Fusilli with Mushrooms Sauce. I can’t even buy the same pasta brand. It was even my favourite.
One day I’ll be happy with myself again.
This melody will fade away and die..
Just for today, breath me and say goodbye
I had sex last night. Empty, soulless sex.
I don’t know why I done it, it just kind of happen. I meet this guy a few months ago and he was a charmer. Didn’t see him until a few weeks ago, I was drunk and talked some nonsense to his friend about sex with no attachment. He had me on Fb and started message me, we chit chat a little but nothing serious. He started ask me out and I kept finding excuses. Until last night, I felt alone and bored and sad. I needed a distraction.
He showed up, taller than me, dark hair and eyes with a growing beard with a box of strawberries and a bottle of red.
We started chatting and found out we have many things in common, many people we know and that we even had the same teacher and that one of my biggest teenager crush is his best friend. We talked about love, work and future. Then he asked me about my boyfriend, if he knew about me being there with him. I told him no and that I was not planning to tell him. And then he kissed me, slowly. I didn’t feel any butterflies, I didn’t feel warm between my legs. I didn’t feel anything. I don’t know why I accepted to keep going and moved to my room. I was just in need of someone to take care of me. We played around and then he was in me. Nothing special, I kept my eyes closed the all time. I was dreaming of him being someone else, but he wasn’t. I could feel it. Nothing was the same. I’m not on birth control and I told him a few times, he still forgot. This morning I went to get a day after pill. Almost thirty and was my first time being so stupid with someone I don’t even know the last name. Great.
I miss him so much, this stupid nonsense sex just reminded me how much I need him, how much I want to feel his lips on mine and his hands on me. Why I can’t? Why?
He has just been texting me to tell me he is meeting her tomorrow after begging for it. I really don’t know what my reaction should be.
I started crying and laughing together. I’m officially in the friend zone. He hasn’t been shagging me since Christmas. Over two months. It’s all over and I became his BFF now. My head hurts.
I really need some good sex. I really want someone that takes me with passion. Nothing too sick or violent but something that leaves me with a smile for at least three days.
God. How much I miss his smile. And his kisses. And him banging me.
I have a really bad habit: I choose a book for how it ends.
I get to the library and start looking around. It has to be a rom com and it has to have a funny cover. I smell it and take a look at the back cover and then I read the last page. Do I like how it ended? Then the book is mine.
The last happy purchase I’ve done is “Wallbanger” by Alice Clayton. Funny, romantic and hot.
That’s how life should be.
Bella on the run