Dive 

If sex was something sweet for me would totally be a Sacher Torte, but not just a basic one, the one with an extra layer of chocolate ganache. That smooth bittersweet taste and then the fresh sourness of the apricot jam. Heaven. Absolute heaven. 

So on Friday I was left with him meeting his ex and me feeling even more extra confused. I was really hoping that would have been the end of everything, in a way or another, but karma is a bitch so few hours later he text me to say that she was too tired so ditched him. Again I had mixed feelings. I just told him to please come home (and I mean the hometown as he lives away). I kinda of kept him company till he got back.  

The following day I just really wanted to see him, to see his face, even to get a meaningless hug just to feel something again, but I had plans and the timings were not matching. Anyway we left it with a “we meet at the usual place”. 

It took me two hours to get ready, girls know what I mean with two hours. I was on point, ready for anything that could have happened. I’m not a big make up user but I done my best and I honestly felt pretty. But of course wasn’t enough. 

I got at the bar with my girls and we started having a drink, we were meant to go elsewhere but I just needed to see him. I just wanted him to look at me and think I looked good. We were ready to go and he still wasn’t there. I begged my friends to wait another minute. They hate him. They did in the past, then they thought he was kind of ok, but now we are back to “He is just a cunt not worth anything” and I can never answer to that. So someone joked with “Are we waiting again for the coming of the Messiah?”. Funny enough he appeared at the door. I was probably bright pink, all I wanted to was a “Hello how’s it going?”but no. He passed by, saying a general hello and without even looking at me in the face. It felt like a slap on my cheek. Got a beer with his friend and left to go outside. My best friend just looked at me and said “That’s what I just wanted to avoid”. My expression changed. So we left, I took the back door cause I didn’t want to even look at him or feel even more pathetic.

After an hour I just text him why he can send me messages to tell me he meets his ex but he can’t even look at me. His answer came soon enough saying he did say hi. I didn’t text him back. An hour later he text me he felt sorry about it and that he even looked at me. Lies. All lies. I said something like “Fine, sorry”. 

The night was going, I wasn’t there with my head. Had a few glasses of wine and asked him to meet up the following day. 

I was up early, went for a walk, breakfast with my friends and then back home. He text me around 12 that he just woke up and didn’t know if he would have manage to catch up. I said not to worry cause I didn’t feel I wanted to look at him in the eyes again. Well he asked me a few questions like when I was having lunch and where, then pretty much what I understood was that he would have pass by my family’s place to get the train ticket and that’s where I was for lunch. I put a lace bodysuit under a see through top, back trousers and boots. I wanted him to see that bodysuit and remember what he did to me in it. 

Banging on 14,22 he passed in front of the restaurant glass door going towards the bar area. He could have not seen me but I did. The train was at 14,45 so I was pretty confident he would have looked for me or msg me. Minutes were passing by, I was just staring at my phone. And.. nothing happened. And I feel broken and stupid again. 

B. 

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Medicine 

He has just been texting me to tell me he is meeting her tomorrow after begging for it. I really don’t know what my reaction should be. 

I started crying and laughing together. I’m officially in the friend zone. He hasn’t been shagging me since Christmas. Over two months. It’s all over and I became his BFF now. My head hurts. 

I really need some good sex. I really want someone that takes me with passion. Nothing too sick or violent but something that leaves me with a smile for at least three days. 

God. How much I miss his smile. And his kisses. And him banging me. 

B. 

Walk away. 

Has passed over a month before he decided to open up and tell me all the things that were happening in his life. I’ve been messaging him just trying to support him, not to often because I’m too scared to lose him. 

February 5th, around midday. He finally decided to come to mine for a cup of coffee, after I told him that I really cared about him and was too difficult to me helping him like that. It was awkward at first and then he started. They kind of broke up for a few weeks, then everything was fine but she confessed she had an affair while they were apart. Well. No. I was not happy. I should have been jumping but how can you be happy seeing his face so sad? We kept talking and he said something really hurtful “She cheated mentally, while I cheat physically”. And I wanted to scream “No. No. No. No. NO. Why do you say this to me? Why if you are broken you need to break me too? Why you needed so much to speak with me before then? Why you kept saying to move where you lived? Why you kept saying sleep at mine? Why you made me feel needed and special? Why you kissed me like there was no tomorrow?” but I didn’t. I just looked at him and me, like if I was outside my body and all that was happening was just a bad dream. He told me my silence was killing him. His words destroyed me.

B.