Piece of my heart

But each time I tell myself that I, well I can’t stand the pain But when you hold me in your arms, I’ll sing it once again I’ll say come on, come on, come on, come on and take it

So I was working today,  a couple came to check-in. She phoned this morning letting us know it was going to be his birthday and she wanted to organize something special for her boyfriend.

While he was parking the car we gave her a card to write to accompany the bottle of bubbles to go to the room. She got emotional and started cry. We offered a Kleenex, he came back and they went to the room.

The card just said “Doesn’t matter where you are, it only matter who you are with. I love you”.

Plain and simple. So true. Made my heart cringe. I was in the corridor and could not remember what love felt like. What happiness felt like. What actually feeling something for someone felt like.

B.

Advertisements

The old man and the sea

“He did not say that because he knew that if you said a good thing it might not happen.”

 

Days are passing by but November can’t come quick enough. I have way too many expectations. As usual. Why my mom had to make me such an over thinker?

Guess that is why I write. I just need to let it all out so I can start breath again.

The conversation is pretty still. I tried to add a little bit of spicy cause I would definetely not mind some good old sexting.  Well, guess he is not easy or just doesn’t fancy me. Not big developments  in that department.

On the other hand there is this other guy at work that literally wants some. Honestly. We open up together this morning and was difficult. He is so young. Really cute and funny but God, so so so young. We were chatting up with my other colleague and guess what? He literally shagged everyone. It’s just me and her missing. So, thanks but no thanks. For how much I need a portion, don’t really fancy all that mix up.

So guess I just keep waiting and waiting and waiting.

Life is wonderful. Right?

B.

 

 

Hunger

..and for a moment, I forget to worry.

shutterstock_153370979-e1452688819427

The weirdest thing happened to me: I slept. A careless deep sleep. The one that you wake up and don’t even remember your name. It was beautiful. It was afternoon, I woke up at 8,30pm, went out. Back to bed and slept until 9 am. Breakfast and then again slept until 12pm. It was unbelievable. I felt new, calm and relaxed.

And this has been happening for almost a month now.

I was driving to work one day and I just had a flashback about my previous life, actually about a guy I met in 2012, when I just moved abroad.

I was working in that place for less than two months, but while I am a disaster with love, I always been pretty good with work. I was almost 23, he was 19 and the owner’ son coming to learn the job. The age gap and the language barrier were not exactly helpful. The fact that I didn’t understood for a few weeks he had a girlfriend wasn’t great either. Actually I felt pretty stupid when my colleague told me. That stupid GM kept making fun of me and spreading rumors. Cow.

But C. and I had a really good connection. He was so smart and fun. We were very different, but I just liked him, maybe because he was the first one that was really nice to me. One day he got me a note, it was nothing special but he wrote something kind of sweet on it, like that to do that job I needed him. When he finished his training he got me a present. It was something so it would be easier for me to talk to my parents cause my computer was going a little crazy. He was just so genuine.

We kept in touch and saw a couple of times for two or three years, but my ex  wasn’t really keen in this friendship, so guess I just let it go.

Well, a moth ago I texted him out of the blue. He came back to my mind and I just wanted to know how he was. We started chatting. It’s just a long message a day, but it’s nice. It’s a long catch up, it’s fun and in some ways makes me feel alive again. I booked a ticket to go visit him but won’t be for another few months. And that scares me a little. What if he finds someone in this time? I don’t want to go there thirdwheeling. I want to go there and see how it goes. I’m worried he won’t like me  phisically or mentally. I’m still worried about the age gap. I’m not really looking for nothing and at the same time I’m scared that if I talk about him out loud he will disappear. It’s a weird feeling.

I still got that note.

B.

Shame in you

Throw out, blow up, hold in

Show fine, no signs, grow blind

I dressed up. I looked nice. I was ready. Ready for anything. Ready for a kiss, ready for a shag, ready for even just talking. I got nothing. As usual. Nothing. Oh no, i did get a “hi”. Great. Fucking great.

I looked at my friend and told her when he wanted to shag our other friend he wasn’t so hard to catch. Not a joy in life.

I feel like the duff, honestly. I’m the friend. Everyone’s friend. Nice and smiley, chatty (until I like someone). That’s it. Don’t deserve anything. No one really fancy me. No one text me. If I didn’t have my friends I wouldn’t even need a phone.

I’m really and empty. I feel embarrassed cause when tomorrow he’ll come ask me for a cappuccino he’ll know I have a crush on him. And he’ll be embarrassed cause doesn’t like me but he is polite.

Life sucks.

B.

Handle me with care

I’m so tired of being lonely

I still have some love to give..

Yesterday morning I was in my car driving to work and this song came on and it just got stuck in my head. Music is literally my life companion right now. That’s all I do. Listen to music. And work of course.

But now I feel the need. I feel the need to love and be loved. To have someone that cuddles me, fancy me and make me feel special, while I do the same. I never thought I wanted to love again but here I am.

Sunday I went to a wedding and I was with a couple of friends of the guy I like (that I was telling you in my last post) and I wanted to impress them but I’m not good and I’m too shy. Barely spoke and I was so bored I pretty much spent the all day looking at my phone and hoping for a miracle. But nothing happens in this bloody life. The only bright side is that in mid July my friend and his will celebrate their bday together so I will get the chance at least maybe to speak with him. I still have tomorrow at work but who knows if I will manage. I’m so embarrassed. I just want to be noticed.

Please, give me a bloody sign!

B.

Somewhere beyond the sea..

How weird does it feel when you start looking around again?

I feel the need to be hold and hugged. I feel like I want physical contact. I want to fall asleep beside someone. Has been a few happy weeks to be honest. Like my job, I’m on a diet and I actually see something happening and I started liking someone new. I’m too scared to make a move, I just hope he will ask me out. It’s not about sex, it’s different. I feel like I want to know him and that’s so weird for me because I didn’t want to know someone for the last 8 years. How do you play it along? I should go there and be like “hey I know you to shagged a couple of times my friend a few years ago but I kind of find you attractive now so how about a cuppa?” Yeah. Don’t think that’s how you do it. And if my friend style it’s his standard, let’s be honest I’m the total opposite so don’t really think he could be interested in me. He is just so smiley and kind and I’m not used to it.

B.

WTAF

I know guys. Sorry. I’m so boring lately. I’ve got nothing new to say. Literally nothing is happening in my life. Nothing. Zero. I changed job and it’s ok, easy peasy. I am so alone right now it’s crazy.

I need a good shag. I deserve it. Honestly. The last mediocre 15 min was the 12th August. 7 months and 12 days. The last good one was 15 months ago. 15. FIFTEEN. My fucking Jeez. What. I feel like crying right now. Virgin Again. Life is brutal. No one should deserve this. But again. I don’t want to get involve with anyone. I don’t want even to speak, actually especially not to speak. No brain fucking please. That’s why I want someone really hot. I have never been a “looking just at the look person”, but now.. that’s all I want. Like if I have physical attraction will be much easier not to feel the need of talking. God. Help.

B.