Budapest

Give me one good reason.

My heart was aching. I woke up at 5:30 and literally my heart was aching. I could feel it beating really fast. I couldn’t breathe. I was crying.

I dreamt I went to his house and there was full of people from his work and he wouldn’t talk to me. He didn’t say a word and I just left.

I feel so empty. I see only grey. I miss talking to him so much. I want to tickle his face and kiss those lips again. I want to look into his beautiful almond eyes and feel his muscled body against my back. And I won’t get anything.

I’ve been left on read for the last three days. Guess the answer is really clear.

I had so much love to give.

B.

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Something Stupid

Just a line to you
For me it’s true
And never seemed
So right before

Last week he sent me a picture “In case you forgot how does it look over here”.

I just want to be there. I want to take the first plane and being able to hug him. I would like to wake up tomorrow morning cuddled up on his side.

But as usual things are not meant to go my way ever. Yesterday I asked him to meet up for lunch on the 29th, I really want to see him and I really need to escape from home. Well.. he even hasn’t open my message. He hasn’t text me since Monday. So I guess the message it’s actually loud and clear. I really needed it. My youngest brother has cancer and the other day we found out it speeded in the other leg. It’s scary. It’s worrying. I’m snappy and nervous. I was te thinking about moving and travelling again, but how can I leave my family again? Will he be here next xmas? Who knows.

I feel like I’m throwing my life away. I feel like I’m in stand by. I’m broken and I don’t even know where to start from. Well, actually I thought I had something nice to start from but guess it wasn’t the case. Sometimes I just feel like Charlie Brown.

B.

Real for you

But I can’t shake the feeling off my mind
That you want more, you want more..

Life goes on and has been almost a month since I saw him.

My break away has been amazing. We ate and drink and had sex several times a day. Yes SEVERAL. It was the best time of my life.

He has a beautiful soul, he’s kind and so so so cleaver.

I haven’t been so happy in so long.

I miss him so much.

B.

We are exactly in the same place as we were before.

Your song

Anyway, the thing is, what I really mean
It’s yours are the sweetest eyes I’ve ever seen

The other day we watched the new John Lewis add.

I can feel it happening again. I can feel my heart slowly breaking in a thousand pieces.

I really liked him. Honestly, I have know idea how this all nonsense happened and all I know is that I really want to be with him. I want to wake up looking at his beautiful face for the rest of my life. And that is mental. I’m the one that rather sleep alone. But you know when you just feel you find peace? That’s how I felt. I like him so much. I hope I wasn’t just a few nights stand. I miss him and I’m so scared.

B.

Bella in the bachelor’s den

I’m laying in C’s bed wide awake.

I’ve been here since Tuesday, we ended up in bed straight away. I like him. I really do. It’s like that “I feel home” feeling. I just wanna cover him in kisses and have sex all day (and night). I didn’t feel this way in so long. It’s so scary. I leave on Sunday and I don’t even know what it’s going to happen. We’ve been talking for the last 4 months daily and now I’m not sure this will still happen.

Last night I asked him when he was coming to visit me and the answer was “I can’t commit to anything” and that really burned. He has been amazing, showing me everywhere, eating great and drinking. I really wanted him to see the places I’m proud of too. And of course I just wanted to spend more time with him.

I just want this not to end.

B.

Countdown

11 days until my holiday. All my hopes are gone tbh. I already feel nothing is going to happen. He never showed much interest and this really turned me off. Good. Better now than later!

Feeling like Bridget Jones when she walks in front of Piccadilly’s.

“Days without sex: a billion”

I can’t even see myself being touched by anyone. Physical contact kind of repulses me. I’m not attracted to anyone. I don’t want to meet or talk to anyone.

B.

Piece of my heart

But each time I tell myself that I, well I can’t stand the pain But when you hold me in your arms, I’ll sing it once again I’ll say come on, come on, come on, come on and take it

So I was working today,  a couple came to check-in. She phoned this morning letting us know it was going to be his birthday and she wanted to organize something special for her boyfriend.

While he was parking the car we gave her a card to write to accompany the bottle of bubbles to go to the room. She got emotional and started cry. We offered a Kleenex, he came back and they went to the room.

The card just said “Doesn’t matter where you are, it only matter who you are with. I love you”.

Plain and simple. So true. Made my heart cringe. I was in the corridor and could not remember what love felt like. What happiness felt like. What actually feeling something for someone felt like.

B.