This melody will fade away and die..
Just for today, breath me and say goodbye
I had sex last night. Empty, soulless sex.
I don’t know why I done it, it just kind of happen. I meet this guy a few months ago and he was a charmer. Didn’t see him until a few weeks ago, I was drunk and talked some nonsense to his friend about sex with no attachment. He had me on Fb and started message me, we chit chat a little but nothing serious. He started ask me out and I kept finding excuses. Until last night, I felt alone and bored and sad. I needed a distraction.
He showed up, taller than me, dark hair and eyes with a growing beard with a box of strawberries and a bottle of red.
We started chatting and found out we have many things in common, many people we know and that we even had the same teacher and that one of my biggest teenager crush is his best friend. We talked about love, work and future. Then he asked me about my boyfriend, if he knew about me being there with him. I told him no and that I was not planning to tell him. And then he kissed me, slowly. I didn’t feel any butterflies, I didn’t feel warm between my legs. I didn’t feel anything. I don’t know why I accepted to keep going and moved to my room. I was just in need of someone to take care of me. We played around and then he was in me. Nothing special, I kept my eyes closed the all time. I was dreaming of him being someone else, but he wasn’t. I could feel it. Nothing was the same. I’m not on birth control and I told him a few times, he still forgot. This morning I went to get a day after pill. Almost thirty and was my first time being so stupid with someone I don’t even know the last name. Great.
I miss him so much, this stupid nonsense sex just reminded me how much I need him, how much I want to feel his lips on mine and his hands on me. Why I can’t? Why?
I’ve got this quote stuck in my head. I just want to stop thinking of him. It’s so painful.
I met him for a coffee on Saturday. I never felt so nervous sitting at the same table. We started chit chatting of normal stuff then he said to me that he met his ex and while they were speaking he told her what I said to him (why someone cheat), but I never told him that I cheated because was with him. Only him. I would have not done it even with Bradley Cooper. And then he said to her that I was mad cause she had him that way and didn’t understand anything of him. Those were my actual words. And he didn’t understand them. He didn’t get that all I meant. How much I care about him, what I would have done if I was so lucky to be with him. But no. I think he thought that I said that just to make him feel better. How did she not get that either?
I don’t know if laugh or cry.
Life has not been going in the direction I was hoping.
After Boxing Day everything started to fall apart. Literally all my world. I’ve been trying to put my head and energy elsewhere but it’s not working. Especially in the last 2 weeks I had only 2 full night sleep. So you can imagine how mentally and physically I am doing.
We met on December 26th and well, you know. When we got in the lift he kissed me and I felt some need in it, but I was probably wrong. We got in the house and again kissing while standing and doing some chit chat, until when he said to me “I’m going to do something like the kind of things you do.” with his girlfriend, I thought he was gonna meet the family. But you know, when someone says something like that with something pushing on your leg, I’m not so sure how can you react. I just kept going. But I wasn’t there. I was lost in the tunnel. Completely lost in my thoughts.
He went away for NYE, didn’t even send a stupid message. I waited until January 2nd and then I messaged him, but he was broken and far away. He didn’t want to tell me what happen, but I’ve been speaking with him for so long that I know something was really wrong and I just felt helpless and sad inside.
How can the only thing that matters to me is just him being happy?