Hear You Me

On sleepless roads the sleepless go.

There is not a single aspect in my life that goes well. Today I found out my ex boyfriend is talking to someone and this broke me even more. I don’t know why. I know I should be so sad and selfish. I should be ok with him finding a better love than me but I can’t.

I’m so broken. I cried all day. He had been my only real boyfriend. He has been the only one that truly loved me and accepted me and tried to stay with me. I know I never truly appreciated him, I always had that cunt in the back of my head, but he was good and it’s all my fault our relationship is over. We broke up a month ago and I thought we would have ended up together. This has been a slap in the face.

I want to be alone forever. Love hurts. I’m never enough. I don’t want to meet anyone else ever again. I don’t want to let anyone in. I don’t want it. I don’t deserve always this pain.

This was our song.

B.

Advertisements

No One’s Gonna Love You

But no one is ever gonna love you more than I do, no one is gonna love you more than I do.

Last Sunday

I never told you guys that my brother is really handsome. And that’s a problem. He is 2 years younger than me, so 26.

When I was 19 during summer I went to work to a hotel by the seaside, my granny used to phone me to tell me about a girl that was picking up my brother with her car and was 25. That thing kept going for months. I went back home and I met this guy on Halloween. We really hit it on. He was so funny ( I thought he was, now when I read the crap he writes on fb I’m like “Wtf?!”), anyway we started texting and dating. Eventually he broke it off cause couldn’t get over is ex cause they broke up the week before we met and meant to get married (he was like 28) and I was too young. Well well.. guess who was his girlfriend? The one my brother has been shagging for months.

This morning I went to get breakfast where my brother works. I got in and he was like “guess who I went clubbing with last night?”. The blood froze through my veins. No. No. No. But yes. He went to the club with His girlfriend, her bestie and another guy. “Apparently there is some crisis. He was texting her and she was like to her bestie ‘Can you believe he writes me this kind of things?’. Nothing happen and after we drop her off at her house her bestie said to me things are not going well, he is too much of a looser.” – Great. Really fucking great. And I don’t mean it in a sarcastic way, because I’m a fucking dickhead. I don’t want him to be sad. I don’t want him to suffer. I don’t want him to be sad. I just want him to be happy, cause for how much it can hurt knowing he is shagging or loving someone else, it hurts much more knowing that he is suffering. Knowing that he is sad and broken. I just want his happiness. I wanted to be his happiness. So I can’t let this happen. I CAN’T.

I meet my brother at my parents in the afternoon and ask him please don’t go there. I ask him that if he really wants to go with her he should wait when they are officially off. He asks me why. I can’t tell him the truth. I just say he knows what he feels like to be cheated on, so he shouldn’t do that to someone else. “I won’t. I need to keep a low profile just now, that would ruin me, but she invited me to this birthday party tonight.”

Turns out the birthday party is in the same place were we go for drinks usually. She is here but He is not, probably already went back to the town where he works. I’ve got my dog with me, cause he is the most amazing thing in the world and she loves that breed. When my brother is there she smiles and wants to see and touch my dog. I told him she touches him I pull out all her teeth with my bare hands. She already has all I wanted in life, fucking stay away from what I got left. Guess my brother gets it’s not a good idea to push me. So now I just have to wait and see. I will keep putting in his head that he should not go there.

If You are reading this, I’m doing all I can. We don’t speak to each other, we barely say hi. Years ago You said I was a betrayer when I knew one of your former lover went to your former girlfriend telling her all the crap you did. I wanted to stay out of it. I didn’t want to be involved. I don’t want you to hate me more than you already do. I love you. Always have, always will. You are my person. The day I met your eyes that was it. I found my happy place and I’ll never be yours. I’ll never be enough.

B.

Let’s Hurt Tonight 


Tell me all of the things that you couldn’t before

Don’t walk away, don’t roll your eyes

They say love is pain, well darling, let’s hurt tonight. 


Has been almost a week and I still didn’t hear anything from him. I didn’t write him either cause I thought I had to wait and see. And what I’m seeing is not what I was hoping for. 

I wanted to tell him, or at least let him read it. Show him this blog and a letter I wrote. But is it worth it? I’m broken already, he just gonna walk over me. 

I hate myself, my thoughts, my fucking idea of him. Nothing is like I lived it. Nothing. 

And I feel so empty right now. 

B. 

Medicine 

He has just been texting me to tell me he is meeting her tomorrow after begging for it. I really don’t know what my reaction should be. 

I started crying and laughing together. I’m officially in the friend zone. He hasn’t been shagging me since Christmas. Over two months. It’s all over and I became his BFF now. My head hurts. 

I really need some good sex. I really want someone that takes me with passion. Nothing too sick or violent but something that leaves me with a smile for at least three days. 

God. How much I miss his smile. And his kisses. And him banging me. 

B. 

Walk away. 

Has passed over a month before he decided to open up and tell me all the things that were happening in his life. I’ve been messaging him just trying to support him, not to often because I’m too scared to lose him. 

February 5th, around midday. He finally decided to come to mine for a cup of coffee, after I told him that I really cared about him and was too difficult to me helping him like that. It was awkward at first and then he started. They kind of broke up for a few weeks, then everything was fine but she confessed she had an affair while they were apart. Well. No. I was not happy. I should have been jumping but how can you be happy seeing his face so sad? We kept talking and he said something really hurtful “She cheated mentally, while I cheat physically”. And I wanted to scream “No. No. No. No. NO. Why do you say this to me? Why if you are broken you need to break me too? Why you needed so much to speak with me before then? Why you kept saying to move where you lived? Why you kept saying sleep at mine? Why you made me feel needed and special? Why you kissed me like there was no tomorrow?” but I didn’t. I just looked at him and me, like if I was outside my body and all that was happening was just a bad dream. He told me my silence was killing him. His words destroyed me.

B. 

Goodbye Kiss 

Life has not been going in the direction I was hoping. 

After Boxing Day everything started to fall apart. Literally all my world. I’ve been trying to put my head and energy elsewhere but it’s not working. Especially in the last 2 weeks I had only 2 full night sleep. So you can imagine how mentally and physically I am doing. 

We met on December 26th and well, you know. When we got in the lift he kissed me and I felt some need in it, but I was probably wrong. We got in the house and again kissing while standing and doing some chit chat, until when he said to me “I’m going to do something like the kind of things you do.” with his girlfriend, I thought he was gonna meet the family. But you know, when someone says something like that with something pushing on your leg, I’m not so sure how can you react. I just kept going. But I wasn’t there. I was lost in the tunnel. Completely lost in my thoughts. 

He went away for NYE, didn’t even send a stupid message. I waited until January 2nd and then I messaged him, but he was broken and far away. He didn’t want to tell me what happen, but I’ve been speaking with him for so long that I know something was really wrong and I just felt  helpless and sad inside. 

How can the only thing that matters to me is just him being happy?