What is your vice? You know that mine is the illusion.
My memories are fading away. I went to get some agopuncture done on Saturday, I was there alone in silence with some relaxing music and all I could think of was nothing. I couldn’t even remember his face. I was sad and crying without knowing even how did he look like. I know it’s good. That my head is doing something to getting me back on truck but it’s still damn hard.
I got my hair done and put on a nice black see- through blouse and a skirt with really high hills. I went to the usual bar where we go and met my friends, I was in the mood for a g&t. At my third sip he and his girlfriend appeared. It was like a cold shower. I managed to slightly move and give them my back. I couldn’t look at that. Not again. Not for the third fucking time. I wanted to be the one that makes him happy. Their friends (once mine too) eventually appeared. Only one of them still treats me the same way. He came and gave me a big bear hug. And while I turned he looked at me. Did he see what he left? Did he realised how empty I feel? Apathy. Mixed with only a few drops of sadness. I’m a mess. I still had to pretend it’s all good, my friend knew I was lying. He gave me a sorry look when I told him everything was great. I don’t have nothing left.
I didn’t feel like writing for long time. I almost forgot about him, about life even about the pain.
But today I’m feeling it deep down, thorough my bones.
I just saw a post on Facebook from his friends, cause he ditched them.
So I didn’t update in so long that you don’t know what happened.
I told you about the sex I had with that new guy, well wasn’t my plan to keep doing it, but was taking away my head from the rest. Then the situations changed. I’ve always been honest with him. I told him I had a boyfriend and wasn’t looking for nothing but life is a bitch and he started have feelings. I didn’t want to hurt him. He was a nice guy. So had to cut it.
The other one, well he said bad things about me to his friends, he avoided me completely and then one night I saw it. We were at the same bar, I saw how he was talking to her. I saw how he was laughing. I saw the “involuntary” touches. I saw how he has been with me. I knew it. I knew was her. The funny part is that he always said he didn’t like her, too tighten up. I felt helpless: things never change. She is very beautiful. And again the plain kind he goes for. The one he can show off at concert and with his friends. The one that is not me.
I just feel the tears streaming down my cheeks.
He ditched his friends cause has been her birthday. He probably took her somewhere nice. Cause is not ashamed of her like he was of me. Cause I never been enough.
I wish it was me. I wish I was happy as when he made me lunch after a good morning of sex. Fusilli with Mushrooms Sauce. I can’t even buy the same pasta brand. It was even my favourite.
One day I’ll be happy with myself again.
This melody will fade away and die..
Just for today, breath me and say goodbye
I had sex last night. Empty, soulless sex.
I don’t know why I done it, it just kind of happen. I meet this guy a few months ago and he was a charmer. Didn’t see him until a few weeks ago, I was drunk and talked some nonsense to his friend about sex with no attachment. He had me on Fb and started message me, we chit chat a little but nothing serious. He started ask me out and I kept finding excuses. Until last night, I felt alone and bored and sad. I needed a distraction.
He showed up, taller than me, dark hair and eyes with a growing beard with a box of strawberries and a bottle of red.
We started chatting and found out we have many things in common, many people we know and that we even had the same teacher and that one of my biggest teenager crush is his best friend. We talked about love, work and future. Then he asked me about my boyfriend, if he knew about me being there with him. I told him no and that I was not planning to tell him. And then he kissed me, slowly. I didn’t feel any butterflies, I didn’t feel warm between my legs. I didn’t feel anything. I don’t know why I accepted to keep going and moved to my room. I was just in need of someone to take care of me. We played around and then he was in me. Nothing special, I kept my eyes closed the all time. I was dreaming of him being someone else, but he wasn’t. I could feel it. Nothing was the same. I’m not on birth control and I told him a few times, he still forgot. This morning I went to get a day after pill. Almost thirty and was my first time being so stupid with someone I don’t even know the last name. Great.
I miss him so much, this stupid nonsense sex just reminded me how much I need him, how much I want to feel his lips on mine and his hands on me. Why I can’t? Why?
So, as you should have get by now, all my posts title are songs. “A wonderful Nightmare” is actually an Italian song.
How can a nightmare be wonderful? How can you feel comfortable being with someone that will hurt you so much? How can you be happy when everything is uncertain?
I’ve spend the last four days with my boyfriend house shopping. No. I wasn’t happy or excited, we are so different. I want a house with personality, with wooden floors and high ceilings, a big kitchen and living room together. I want plain wooden forniture, sheep rugs and green plants. Like in proper hygge style. He wants black and shiny in a new building.
I didn’t have good time, haven’t seen him for like 6 weeks I expected him to be happy to see me, but I think he is getting used to the idea of being alone. Didn’t really feel he needed me to be there.
Well, now I’m on my way home. You know when you read in a book about the girl falling for a guy and pretty much the description is usually the same “really tall, big shoulders, dark hair and a really sexy square jawline”. I do get what they mean now. I don’t know what was his aftershave but it was sweet with vanilla notes.
I haven’t spoke with the other one in days and I honestly don’t know what to do. I am invisible. I miss him. I miss the funny side of him, the one that made feel happy. I miss him biting his lips while having sex in the same way he does when he is playing. His smile, his laugh, the way he looks at me asking to go say hi to his little friend. The way my body reacts to his touch is crazy, it never happen to me to anyone before. The only thing I want to do is pleasing him, I just want to win. Leave him there with jelly legs, cause we fuck the shit out of each other. Feeling his heart beating so fast, that peaceful expression on his face. I’m only scared this won’t happen again. I would literally sell my soul to the devil to have him.
Damn you Sophie Kinsella. Damn your book, damn the dreams, the hope, the love story, the perfection and the laughing. Damn me for falling for it every time and buying it, but all I needed was 24h with pink goggles. And only you know how to put them on my face.
For the first time, I didn’t feel the need to read the last few pages before starting. I knew it would have been all good.
Why can’t life be so good? When is my happy ending coming?
I have a really bad habit: I choose a book for how it ends.
I get to the library and start looking around. It has to be a rom com and it has to have a funny cover. I smell it and take a look at the back cover and then I read the last page. Do I like how it ended? Then the book is mine.
The last happy purchase I’ve done is “Wallbanger” by Alice Clayton. Funny, romantic and hot.
That’s how life should be.
Bella on the run