Hear You Me

On sleepless roads the sleepless go.

There is not a single aspect in my life that goes well. Today I found out my ex boyfriend is talking to someone and this broke me even more. I don’t know why. I know I should be so sad and selfish. I should be ok with him finding a better love than me but I can’t.

I’m so broken. I cried all day. He had been my only real boyfriend. He has been the only one that truly loved me and accepted me and tried to stay with me. I know I never truly appreciated him, I always had that cunt in the back of my head, but he was good and it’s all my fault our relationship is over. We broke up a month ago and I thought we would have ended up together. This has been a slap in the face.

I want to be alone forever. Love hurts. I’m never enough. I don’t want to meet anyone else ever again. I don’t want to let anyone in. I don’t want it. I don’t deserve always this pain.

This was our song.

B.

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Unfinished Sympathy

How can you have a day without a night?

Merry Xmas Guys.

Hope you’ll have amazing time!

Tomorrow will be a year since the last time since I’ve been with him. Jesus. Time flies. It goes and goes and I’m still stuck in the past. I’m still waking up and hoping something better will come, that I’ll get a message. I don’t know why. I text him today cause it’s Christmas and I’m a looser and I miss him. Good how much I miss him.

“Merry Xmas and enjoy your food feast. 🙂 Love you.”

And I did get an answer. It’s politeness and that’s all and I’m not reading any love in it, but all I’m reading is that he doesn’t hate me either. Was just a “Thank you! You too.” Was nothing. But he will always rock my whole world. So I’m happy with nothing.

I’m almost unemployed and single just now.

Life must get better. It must.

Love,

B.

No One’s Gonna Love You

But no one is ever gonna love you more than I do, no one is gonna love you more than I do.

Last Sunday

I never told you guys that my brother is really handsome. And that’s a problem. He is 2 years younger than me, so 26.

When I was 19 during summer I went to work to a hotel by the seaside, my granny used to phone me to tell me about a girl that was picking up my brother with her car and was 25. That thing kept going for months. I went back home and I met this guy on Halloween. We really hit it on. He was so funny ( I thought he was, now when I read the crap he writes on fb I’m like “Wtf?!”), anyway we started texting and dating. Eventually he broke it off cause couldn’t get over is ex cause they broke up the week before we met and meant to get married (he was like 28) and I was too young. Well well.. guess who was his girlfriend? The one my brother has been shagging for months.

This morning I went to get breakfast where my brother works. I got in and he was like “guess who I went clubbing with last night?”. The blood froze through my veins. No. No. No. But yes. He went to the club with His girlfriend, her bestie and another guy. “Apparently there is some crisis. He was texting her and she was like to her bestie ‘Can you believe he writes me this kind of things?’. Nothing happen and after we drop her off at her house her bestie said to me things are not going well, he is too much of a looser.” – Great. Really fucking great. And I don’t mean it in a sarcastic way, because I’m a fucking dickhead. I don’t want him to be sad. I don’t want him to suffer. I don’t want him to be sad. I just want him to be happy, cause for how much it can hurt knowing he is shagging or loving someone else, it hurts much more knowing that he is suffering. Knowing that he is sad and broken. I just want his happiness. I wanted to be his happiness. So I can’t let this happen. I CAN’T.

I meet my brother at my parents in the afternoon and ask him please don’t go there. I ask him that if he really wants to go with her he should wait when they are officially off. He asks me why. I can’t tell him the truth. I just say he knows what he feels like to be cheated on, so he shouldn’t do that to someone else. “I won’t. I need to keep a low profile just now, that would ruin me, but she invited me to this birthday party tonight.”

Turns out the birthday party is in the same place were we go for drinks usually. She is here but He is not, probably already went back to the town where he works. I’ve got my dog with me, cause he is the most amazing thing in the world and she loves that breed. When my brother is there she smiles and wants to see and touch my dog. I told him she touches him I pull out all her teeth with my bare hands. She already has all I wanted in life, fucking stay away from what I got left. Guess my brother gets it’s not a good idea to push me. So now I just have to wait and see. I will keep putting in his head that he should not go there.

If You are reading this, I’m doing all I can. We don’t speak to each other, we barely say hi. Years ago You said I was a betrayer when I knew one of your former lover went to your former girlfriend telling her all the crap you did. I wanted to stay out of it. I didn’t want to be involved. I don’t want you to hate me more than you already do. I love you. Always have, always will. You are my person. The day I met your eyes that was it. I found my happy place and I’ll never be yours. I’ll never be enough.

B.

Golden Slumbers

Sleep, Pretty Darling, Do Not Cry..

I dreamt of him last night.

We were hanging out with friends in his house (a new house, with a big white leather couch). He was kissing me in the same passionate way he used to do. Our friends left and my mom showed up, she sat on the other side of the couch without saying a word. We kept kissing slowly. I love his feet but not in a fetish way. They are just big and nice. He is all nice. And then I woke up. That warm feeling though my bones. And I just felt like shit.

I still love him but I also hate him so much.

On Saturday night he wasn’t with his girlfriend and I was super on point. And he was looking at me. I could feel it.

I need to leave. I need to go away. Far Away. I can’t stay here.

B.

Eyes on the Horizon

Keep on trying

And start it over

Eyes on the Horizon

Miles and miles away…

Has been a while and things in my life just got more weird.

I’m officially single and I don’t feel relieved, I feel sad and kind of even more empty than before (if that’s even possible). I’m thinking of moving to Caribbean.

I don’t know if it’s a good idea now that I’ve got some kind of balance, but let’s be honest.. I moved back home cause I thought things were getting better. I thought I would have get with that bloody asshole I was in love with and what I’ve got now? Nothing. Not really nothing, I’ve got the best friends ever and my family, but they still be here in a few months.

It’s time to start over. It’s time to grow some balls and leave a fucking job I hate and see the world.

I miss happiness. I just want to go ahead and find it.

Goodbye, Apathy


What is your vice? You know that mine is the illusion. 

My memories are fading away. I went to get some agopuncture done on Saturday, I was there alone in silence with some relaxing music and all I could think of was nothing. I couldn’t even remember his face. I was sad and crying without knowing even how did he look like. I know it’s good. That my head is doing something to getting me back on truck but it’s still damn hard. 

I got my hair done and put on a nice black see- through blouse and a skirt with really high hills. I went to the usual bar where we go and met my friends, I was in the mood for a g&t. At my third sip he and his girlfriend appeared. It was like a cold shower. I managed to slightly move and give them my back. I couldn’t look at that. Not again. Not for the third fucking time. I wanted to be the one that makes him happy. Their friends (once mine too) eventually appeared. Only one of them still treats me the same way. He came and gave me a big bear hug. And while I turned he looked at me. Did he see what he left? Did he realised how empty I feel? Apathy. Mixed with only a few drops of sadness. I’m a mess. I still had to pretend it’s all good, my friend knew I was lying. He gave me a sorry look when I told him everything was great. I don’t have nothing left. 

B. 

Hurry up, we’re dreaming


Allko I think about when this song starts is Nick & Jess. I can just picture that scene of realising that they are meant to be together and that’s it. I have this song in my running playlist. My head is not working lately.

Sunday morning I woke up, open Instagram and the first thing that popped up was a picture of him with his new girlfriend, hugging in a vineyard. I could feel the little bit of hope leaving my body. I’m empty. That’s all I can say. I cry and I don’t feel anything. No light at the end of the tunnel. Just emptiness inside and outside. No smile. No concertration. Nothing. I just don’t feel nothing. Why? I wanted to be there. I wanted to be the one hugging him. I wanted to taste the wine and then sleep together. But I was alone in my room crying my eyes out. 

I never feel and I will never feel love again. Other people don’t understand. I might be able to accept someone else, to get comfortable, but it would never be the same. 

I haven’t been answering to my friend, or the one that was so. I hoped he would have read here, that would have get it all but he didn’t. Someone told me that’s what he does, get close to someone and then leave them. I wouldn’t believe it. I have no love and I lost one of the people I trusted. I just needed him to stand up for me and by my side. I just needed to hear that I would have been better. 

Bella with no hope.