Life has not been going in the direction I was hoping.
After Boxing Day everything started to fall apart. Literally all my world. I’ve been trying to put my head and energy elsewhere but it’s not working. Especially in the last 2 weeks I had only 2 full night sleep. So you can imagine how mentally and physically I am doing.
We met on December 26th and well, you know. When we got in the lift he kissed me and I felt some need in it, but I was probably wrong. We got in the house and again kissing while standing and doing some chit chat, until when he said to me “I’m going to do something like the kind of things you do.” with his girlfriend, I thought he was gonna meet the family. But you know, when someone says something like that with something pushing on your leg, I’m not so sure how can you react. I just kept going. But I wasn’t there. I was lost in the tunnel. Completely lost in my thoughts.
He went away for NYE, didn’t even send a stupid message. I waited until January 2nd and then I messaged him, but he was broken and far away. He didn’t want to tell me what happen, but I’ve been speaking with him for so long that I know something was really wrong and I just felt helpless and sad inside.
How can the only thing that matters to me is just him being happy?
I feel so stupid. If anyone knows how can I stop have feelings for him and would like to set me free that would be amazing. I just can’t do it by myself.
Haven’t spoke with him in a week, haven’t seen him in two. I still spend my day creating some ideal situation, thinking how life could be different if he just would give us a chance. There is a funny side in it: I would never want him as a boyfriend. He is a liar, a serial cheating master.
Today was Christmas. I was waiting for a text that never arrived, so I texted him myself. And then we chatted a little and kind of gave me hope for an after dinner situation. I’m a total control freak and been checking the phone constantly and saw he was online constantly.
When then it was time to answer me he never connected. Still waiting for it, over an hour. He is probably banging another chick.
How to deal with the feelings when you pass from talking to someone 24/7 to nothing?
I don’t know. I just can’t stop thinking about him.
It’s all my fault, that’s the worst part. It’s never just sex. Never. The way I looked at him changed. The warm I could feel inside just thinking about meeting him afterwards. It’s all wrong. Damn it.
And he just disappeared.
Fuck my life.
You know when you are sitting on a plane, you got your music on and that’s when tears start streaming down your face. You try to make a point of your life and realise what an absolut mess you are.
I’ve been out of job for the last 2 months. It was my choice. Was it stupid? Yes. Do I regret it? Damn No. When you are in position of responsability and work between 12 and 14 hours a day for £1400 a month and don’t even feel appreciated is it really worth? So, now I found a hostess job in a Michelin starred restaurant not too far from home. Do I like it? No. Am I going to take it? Guess so. It’s like a three steps back. And I hate that. Worked my ass off for 4 years to now get a hostess job. FML.
My love life is a disaster. I’ve got a boyfriend that I’m about to see after over 2 months. Since I moved back home we spoke on the phone maybe 6 times. In 2 months. Is that normal? Don’t think so. Also I have feelings for someone else. Someone that is poisoned like one of those bad snakes that could kill you with a bite. We also have a past. Not a relationship like, a colleagues with benefits story, while he had a girlfriend and I was in love with him. I moved away. I thought I found love. The first two years of my relationship were fine. I haven’t felt like I needed him again. We saw every six months but I wasn’t feeling anything. Then last December something changed. My relationship started sinking and he was always there. Nothing happen until few months after. And here we go. I’m addicted to him like a man in the early nineties with heroine. Love the feeling and then die of overdose. And he keep pushing me on getting this job cause will make me move pretty closed to him. Why? Why you have this need of making me love you and destroying me at the same time? I wish I could ask him but we have some strange boundaries.
I don’t know anymore where I want to be or what I want to do. B.
I have a really bad habit: I choose a book for how it ends.
I get to the library and start looking around. It has to be a rom com and it has to have a funny cover. I smell it and take a look at the back cover and then I read the last page. Do I like how it ended? Then the book is mine.
The last happy purchase I’ve done is “Wallbanger” by Alice Clayton. Funny, romantic and hot.
That’s how life should be.
Bella on the run
I started helping out in the family business when I was 13 during the weekends so my dad could get a couple of free hours to watch my brothers football games. I went to hotel school and was required that every year we would do a month of stage during summer, that’s when I discover how much I loved working in luxury hotels. Doing my best, pushing as much as I could to make the guests happy. When I was 19 I started the Sommelier course and to this day that’s one of my favourite part of my job. Choosing the wines, tasting them, keeping the wine list up to date, orders.. I just love being in the wine cellar taking care of my babies.
When I started drinking wine, I fall in love with a beautiful Italian Gewurtztraminer, Nussbaumer from the winery Tramin. That tropical sweet aromatic flavour was all I was looking for in a wine. Then I had the occasion to try their Terminum, the late harvest version of it. It was like honey in a glass. At this day one of my favourite.
The kind of clientele I get now only drinks two things: white Burgundy and red Bordeaux. Open one, then another, then another and tasting them all I started appreciated them more and more.
Last month I’ve been to a big tasting in the city and I had the chance to try an amazing Puligny Montrachet from Remoissenet Pere & Fils. It’s their Premier Cru Les Combettes and I really hope you can get the chance to experience it. It’s smooth, mineral and savoury. “Rabbit loin and Foie Gras” and this wine could be a love match. Pleasure in a glass.
I always been on the run and always for the same lame reason: love.
My first crush was Lenny, I was 12 and taller than him. Was the years when teenagers were getting their first Nokia 3310 and I was texting him hoping for an answer, I gave him my diary to get him to write something nice on it, instead he throw it from the school bus. What a douche.
Then my first kiss was Sandy, he was so tall and handsome. I don’t even remember his voice that short our relationship was.
One morning I was going to Barcelona and on the plane I met him, Harry. He was definitely my first love. I was almost 16 and he was just 13, strange thing for a girl, but you should have seen him. Big blue eyes and blond hair, full lips and he was taller than me and so mature. It was the wrong time and the wrong place. We kissed once, two years after we met, we were not just meant to be.
Frankie conquered me with his humour. He was just hilarious, I was 18 and he was 26. I always being a crazy one, he told me he was moving to another country and I apply for a visa to go with him. By the time the visa arrived he already had enough of me but I still decided to go on the opposite side of the country he was going. Had the best time of my life.
But the one that made crumbs out of my heart was Matthew. One night a friend of a friend asked me to work at his place ad someone phoned in sick. I accepted and went for it. I was sitting on a chair outside and here we go, big brown eyes and slightly long hair. I never felt that way with anyone else, when I think of him I still shiver. It was the best and the worst thing that could have ever happened to me. I love the funny side of him and the special bond we have. I can spend months or a year without seeing him, but when we sit down in front of a glass of bubbles, it all comes back. The happiness and the pain. And confuse the shit out of me.