How to deal with the feelings when you pass from talking to someone 24/7 to nothing?
I don’t know. I just can’t stop thinking about him.
It’s all my fault, that’s the worst part. It’s never just sex. Never. The way I looked at him changed. The warm I could feel inside just thinking about meeting him afterwards. It’s all wrong. Damn it.
And he just disappeared.
Fuck my life.
You know when you are sitting on a plane, you got your music on and that’s when tears start streaming down your face. You try to make a point of your life and realise what an absolut mess you are.
I’ve been out of job for the last 2 months. It was my choice. Was it stupid? Yes. Do I regret it? Damn No. When you are in position of responsability and work between 12 and 14 hours a day for £1400 a month and don’t even feel appreciated is it really worth? So, now I found a hostess job in a Michelin starred restaurant not too far from home. Do I like it? No. Am I going to take it? Guess so. It’s like a three steps back. And I hate that. Worked my ass off for 4 years to now get a hostess job. FML.
My love life is a disaster. I’ve got a boyfriend that I’m about to see after over 2 months. Since I moved back home we spoke on the phone maybe 6 times. In 2 months. Is that normal? Don’t think so. Also I have feelings for someone else. Someone that is poisoned like one of those bad snakes that could kill you with a bite. We also have a past. Not a relationship like, a colleagues with benefits story, while he had a girlfriend and I was in love with him. I moved away. I thought I found love. The first two years of my relationship were fine. I haven’t felt like I needed him again. We saw every six months but I wasn’t feeling anything. Then last December something changed. My relationship started sinking and he was always there. Nothing happen until few months after. And here we go. I’m addicted to him like a man in the early nineties with heroine. Love the feeling and then die of overdose. And he keep pushing me on getting this job cause will make me move pretty closed to him. Why? Why you have this need of making me love you and destroying me at the same time? I wish I could ask him but we have some strange boundaries.
I don’t know anymore where I want to be or what I want to do. B.
I have a really bad habit: I choose a book for how it ends.
I get to the library and start looking around. It has to be a rom com and it has to have a funny cover. I smell it and take a look at the back cover and then I read the last page. Do I like how it ended? Then the book is mine.
The last happy purchase I’ve done is “Wallbanger” by Alice Clayton. Funny, romantic and hot.
That’s how life should be.
Bella on the run
I started helping out in the family business when I was 13 during the weekends so my dad could get a couple of free hours to watch my brothers football games. I went to hotel school and was required that every year we would do a month of stage during summer, that’s when I discover how much I loved working in luxury hotels. Doing my best, pushing as much as I could to make the guests happy. When I was 19 I started the Sommelier course and to this day that’s one of my favourite part of my job. Choosing the wines, tasting them, keeping the wine list up to date, orders.. I just love being in the wine cellar taking care of my babies.
When I started drinking wine, I fall in love with a beautiful Italian Gewurtztraminer, Nussbaumer from the winery Tramin. That tropical sweet aromatic flavour was all I was looking for in a wine. Then I had the occasion to try their Terminum, the late harvest version of it. It was like honey in a glass. At this day one of my favourite.
The kind of clientele I get now only drinks two things: white Burgundy and red Bordeaux. Open one, then another, then another and tasting them all I started appreciated them more and more.
Last month I’ve been to a big tasting in the city and I had the chance to try an amazing Puligny Montrachet from Remoissenet Pere & Fils. It’s their Premier Cru Les Combettes and I really hope you can get the chance to experience it. It’s smooth, mineral and savoury. “Rabbit loin and Foie Gras” and this wine could be a love match. Pleasure in a glass.
I always been on the run and always for the same lame reason: love.
My first crush was Lenny, I was 12 and taller than him. Was the years when teenagers were getting their first Nokia 3310 and I was texting him hoping for an answer, I gave him my diary to get him to write something nice on it, instead he throw it from the school bus. What a douche.
Then my first kiss was Sandy, he was so tall and handsome. I don’t even remember his voice that short our relationship was.
One morning I was going to Barcelona and on the plane I met him, Harry. He was definitely my first love. I was almost 16 and he was just 13, strange thing for a girl, but you should have seen him. Big blue eyes and blond hair, full lips and he was taller than me and so mature. It was the wrong time and the wrong place. We kissed once, two years after we met, we were not just meant to be.
Frankie conquered me with his humour. He was just hilarious, I was 18 and he was 26. I always being a crazy one, he told me he was moving to another country and I apply for a visa to go with him. By the time the visa arrived he already had enough of me but I still decided to go on the opposite side of the country he was going. Had the best time of my life.
But the one that made crumbs out of my heart was Matthew. One night a friend of a friend asked me to work at his place ad someone phoned in sick. I accepted and went for it. I was sitting on a chair outside and here we go, big brown eyes and slightly long hair. I never felt that way with anyone else, when I think of him I still shiver. It was the best and the worst thing that could have ever happened to me. I love the funny side of him and the special bond we have. I can spend months or a year without seeing him, but when we sit down in front of a glass of bubbles, it all comes back. The happiness and the pain. And confuse the shit out of me.
You know when you just had a long day and your head is full of thoughts? That’s how I feel tonight. Bella is on the run cause she is looking for a new life. I light my R&J e the sweet mallow flavour fills my mouth, the thick white smoke surrounds me. I just love it and I fell much more relax straight away.
Here I am, 16, sitting a La Bodeguita del Medio enjoying my first mojito with my parents. We just experience a Hurricane while staying in Varadero but nothing can’t stop us, we travelled thousands of miles to explore, definitely not “a little bit of wind”. The notes of Che Guevara are all around and the old lady is outside smoking a big Churchill, she is one of the symbol of the city. I just love it.
I decided to go back a couple of months ago, just after the Embargo ended and it was a shock. Nothing is the same anymore, just the music, the butterflied lobster, the rum & my cigars.
#romeoyjulieta #cubano #cigar #happiness