Learning to Fly 

Strange places are trains. I look at my reflection on the window and listen to other people’s lives: there is teenagers doing their homeworks, a old lady playing with her phone and a couple talking of how much they didn’t like Paris.

I never been to Paris and is so on my list. I want to go to as many places as I can. 

Going to the airport, to go visit my boyfriend. Not sure of what I am doing with my life. I would like just to be able to escape e start a new life on the coast of Spain, doing BBQ and dancing on the beach.  He wants to buy a house and start a family. Am I ready for that? No. Do I really want that? Probably not. But sometimes take hard decision is to difficult to do. 

I’m an hypocrite. I know. And I’m not even sorry.  

B. 

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My not-so-perfect life

Damn you Sophie Kinsella. Damn your book, damn the dreams, the hope, the love story, the perfection and the laughing. Damn me for falling for it every time and buying it, but all I needed was 24h with pink goggles. And only you know how to put them on my face. 
For the first time, I didn’t feel the need to read the last few pages before starting. I knew it would have been all good. 

Why can’t life be so good? When is my happy ending coming? 

Walk away. 

Has passed over a month before he decided to open up and tell me all the things that were happening in his life. I’ve been messaging him just trying to support him, not to often because I’m too scared to lose him. 

February 5th, around midday. He finally decided to come to mine for a cup of coffee, after I told him that I really cared about him and was too difficult to me helping him like that. It was awkward at first and then he started. They kind of broke up for a few weeks, then everything was fine but she confessed she had an affair while they were apart. Well. No. I was not happy. I should have been jumping but how can you be happy seeing his face so sad? We kept talking and he said something really hurtful “She cheated mentally, while I cheat physically”. And I wanted to scream “No. No. No. No. NO. Why do you say this to me? Why if you are broken you need to break me too? Why you needed so much to speak with me before then? Why you kept saying to move where you lived? Why you kept saying sleep at mine? Why you made me feel needed and special? Why you kissed me like there was no tomorrow?” but I didn’t. I just looked at him and me, like if I was outside my body and all that was happening was just a bad dream. He told me my silence was killing him. His words destroyed me.

B. 

Goodbye Kiss 

Life has not been going in the direction I was hoping. 

After Boxing Day everything started to fall apart. Literally all my world. I’ve been trying to put my head and energy elsewhere but it’s not working. Especially in the last 2 weeks I had only 2 full night sleep. So you can imagine how mentally and physically I am doing. 

We met on December 26th and well, you know. When we got in the lift he kissed me and I felt some need in it, but I was probably wrong. We got in the house and again kissing while standing and doing some chit chat, until when he said to me “I’m going to do something like the kind of things you do.” with his girlfriend, I thought he was gonna meet the family. But you know, when someone says something like that with something pushing on your leg, I’m not so sure how can you react. I just kept going. But I wasn’t there. I was lost in the tunnel. Completely lost in my thoughts. 

He went away for NYE, didn’t even send a stupid message. I waited until January 2nd and then I messaged him, but he was broken and far away. He didn’t want to tell me what happen, but I’ve been speaking with him for so long that I know something was really wrong and I just felt  helpless and sad inside. 

How can the only thing that matters to me is just him being happy? 

Re-Arrenge

I feel so stupid. If anyone knows how can I stop have feelings for him and would like to set me free that would be amazing.  I just can’t do it by myself. 
Haven’t spoke with him in a week, haven’t seen him in two. I still spend my day creating some ideal situation, thinking how life could be different if he just would give us a chance. There is a funny side in it: I would never want him as a boyfriend. He is a liar, a serial cheating master. 
Today was Christmas. I was waiting for a text that never arrived, so I texted him myself. And then we chatted a little and kind of gave me hope for an after dinner situation. I’m a total control freak and been checking the phone constantly and saw he was online constantly. 

When then it was time to answer me he never connected. Still waiting for it, over an hour. He is probably banging another chick. 

FUCKING XMAS. 

Why you always call me when you are high? 

How to deal with the feelings when you pass from talking to someone 24/7 to nothing? 

I don’t know. I just can’t stop thinking about him. 

It’s all my fault, that’s the worst part. It’s never just sex. Never. The way I looked at him changed. The warm I could feel inside just thinking about meeting him afterwards. It’s all wrong. Damn it. 

And he just disappeared. 

Fuck my life. 

Under pressure 

You know when you are sitting on a plane, you got your music on and that’s when tears start streaming down your face. You try to make a point of your life and realise what an absolut mess you are. 

I’ve been out of job for the last 2 months. It was my choice. Was it stupid? Yes. Do I regret it? Damn No. When you are in position of responsability and work between 12 and 14 hours a day for £1400 a month and don’t even feel appreciated is it really worth? So, now I found a hostess job in a Michelin starred restaurant not too far from home. Do I like it? No. Am I going to take it? Guess so. It’s like a three steps back. And I hate that. Worked my ass off for 4 years to now get a hostess job. FML. 

My love life is a disaster. I’ve got a boyfriend that I’m about to see after over 2 months. Since I moved back home we spoke on the phone maybe 6 times. In 2 months. Is that normal? Don’t think so. Also I have feelings for someone else. Someone that is poisoned like one of those bad snakes that could kill you with a bite. We also have a past. Not a relationship like, a colleagues with benefits story, while he had a girlfriend and I was in love with him. I moved away. I thought I found love. The first two years of my relationship were fine. I haven’t felt like I needed him again. We saw every six months but I wasn’t feeling anything. Then last December something changed. My relationship started sinking and he was always there. Nothing happen until few months after. And here we go. I’m addicted to him like a man in the early nineties with heroine. Love the feeling and then die of overdose. And he keep pushing me on getting this job cause will make me move pretty closed to him. Why? Why you have this need of making me love you and destroying me at the same time? I wish I could ask him but we have some strange boundaries. 

I don’t know anymore where I want to be or what I want to do. B.