Sleep, Pretty Darling, Do Not Cry..
I dreamt of him last night.
We were hanging out with friends in his house (a new house, with a big white leather couch). He was kissing me in the same passionate way he used to do. Our friends left and my mom showed up, she sat on the other side of the couch without saying a word. We kept kissing slowly. I love his feet but not in a fetish way. They are just big and nice. He is all nice. And then I woke up. That warm feeling though my bones. And I just felt like shit.
I still love him but I also hate him so much.
On Saturday night he wasn’t with his girlfriend and I was super on point. And he was looking at me. I could feel it.
I need to leave. I need to go away. Far Away. I can’t stay here.
Keep on trying
And start it over
Eyes on the Horizon
Miles and miles away…
Has been a while and things in my life just got more weird.
I’m officially single and I don’t feel relieved, I feel sad and kind of even more empty than before (if that’s even possible). I’m thinking of moving to Caribbean.
I don’t know if it’s a good idea now that I’ve got some kind of balance, but let’s be honest.. I moved back home cause I thought things were getting better. I thought I would have get with that bloody asshole I was in love with and what I’ve got now? Nothing. Not really nothing, I’ve got the best friends ever and my family, but they still be here in a few months.
It’s time to start over. It’s time to grow some balls and leave a fucking job I hate and see the world.
I miss happiness. I just want to go ahead and find it.
What is your vice? You know that mine is the illusion.
My memories are fading away. I went to get some agopuncture done on Saturday, I was there alone in silence with some relaxing music and all I could think of was nothing. I couldn’t even remember his face. I was sad and crying without knowing even how did he look like. I know it’s good. That my head is doing something to getting me back on truck but it’s still damn hard.
I got my hair done and put on a nice black see- through blouse and a skirt with really high hills. I went to the usual bar where we go and met my friends, I was in the mood for a g&t. At my third sip he and his girlfriend appeared. It was like a cold shower. I managed to slightly move and give them my back. I couldn’t look at that. Not again. Not for the third fucking time. I wanted to be the one that makes him happy. Their friends (once mine too) eventually appeared. Only one of them still treats me the same way. He came and gave me a big bear hug. And while I turned he looked at me. Did he see what he left? Did he realised how empty I feel? Apathy. Mixed with only a few drops of sadness. I’m a mess. I still had to pretend it’s all good, my friend knew I was lying. He gave me a sorry look when I told him everything was great. I don’t have nothing left.
Allko I think about when this song starts is Nick & Jess. I can just picture that scene of realising that they are meant to be together and that’s it. I have this song in my running playlist. My head is not working lately.
Sunday morning I woke up, open Instagram and the first thing that popped up was a picture of him with his new girlfriend, hugging in a vineyard. I could feel the little bit of hope leaving my body. I’m empty. That’s all I can say. I cry and I don’t feel anything. No light at the end of the tunnel. Just emptiness inside and outside. No smile. No concertration. Nothing. I just don’t feel nothing. Why? I wanted to be there. I wanted to be the one hugging him. I wanted to taste the wine and then sleep together. But I was alone in my room crying my eyes out.
I never feel and I will never feel love again. Other people don’t understand. I might be able to accept someone else, to get comfortable, but it would never be the same.
I haven’t been answering to my friend, or the one that was so. I hoped he would have read here, that would have get it all but he didn’t. Someone told me that’s what he does, get close to someone and then leave them. I wouldn’t believe it. I have no love and I lost one of the people I trusted. I just needed him to stand up for me and by my side. I just needed to hear that I would have been better.
Bella with no hope.
I haven’t seen him in almost two months. And the last time I done my best to not even look in his direction. Time passes and I still feel emptiness and apathy. I wake up, work, talk, go out and nothing. I’m lucky that I have amazing friends.
Today sitting by the lake my friend told me she heard last night he will be moving down under with his new girlfriend. I knew that was gonna happen. I still wasn’t ready for it. I have just a few spare tears and lots of sadness. I had a hope inside me that he will eventually come back and now I just see it disappear. I don’t even feel heartbroken, I don’t feel a heart at all.
I just want to wake up to one of his text asking how I am, go back in time to a happy day. I just want him to give me a chance, move down under, to China, to fucking Siberia. Anywhere.
He went to Japan with my best friend also his. Well at least that’s who I thought he was. But at the end he just preferred to be his best friend. I hoped he would stand by me, that he would have said a word. I was wrong. I’m always wrong.
I heard that when nothing goes right goes left. I’m not so sure.
I feel sick to the bones.
I sent a message to the last guy I’ve been with. I just needed to get some stuff out of my system. I told him I was sorry for how I acted, but I was scared of him and also of what he was feeling. That the words he said to me, I said before to someone else and I didn’t want to hurt him like I’ve been. He didn’t reply and stopped wave at me when we meet in the morning in the traffic. I meet him in the street last night and he didn’t even look at me. I just keep getting broken up. Why me? Why always me? Too bad I was tipsy. I messaged him. He text me back today saying I treated him like crap, that I should think about it and that he got a new girlfriend now. Has been just over three weeks. He told me he was falling in love with me, he said he had better moments with me in few months that in 9 years of relationships. I feel so cold.
But that’s not all.
My BFF is back. We haven’t seen each other in few months, been talking about meeting up for ages. So I was really excited just to get a hug. I finished work, showered and went for a walk. He was out with the other one and didn’t want to see me. I do get it’s an awkward position, but I’m almost 30 and polite. I would have just say hi. He knows the other girl he is shagging just now. I said to not make friends too much. I wouldn’t have stand the idea of my best friend approving her more than me. But it’s pretty clear that things are just not the way I wished they should be.
I hate life tonight.
I didn’t feel like writing for long time. I almost forgot about him, about life even about the pain.
But today I’m feeling it deep down, thorough my bones.
I just saw a post on Facebook from his friends, cause he ditched them.
So I didn’t update in so long that you don’t know what happened.
I told you about the sex I had with that new guy, well wasn’t my plan to keep doing it, but was taking away my head from the rest. Then the situations changed. I’ve always been honest with him. I told him I had a boyfriend and wasn’t looking for nothing but life is a bitch and he started have feelings. I didn’t want to hurt him. He was a nice guy. So had to cut it.
The other one, well he said bad things about me to his friends, he avoided me completely and then one night I saw it. We were at the same bar, I saw how he was talking to her. I saw how he was laughing. I saw the “involuntary” touches. I saw how he has been with me. I knew it. I knew was her. The funny part is that he always said he didn’t like her, too tighten up. I felt helpless: things never change. She is very beautiful. And again the plain kind he goes for. The one he can show off at concert and with his friends. The one that is not me.
I just feel the tears streaming down my cheeks.
He ditched his friends cause has been her birthday. He probably took her somewhere nice. Cause is not ashamed of her like he was of me. Cause I never been enough.
I wish it was me. I wish I was happy as when he made me lunch after a good morning of sex. Fusilli with Mushrooms Sauce. I can’t even buy the same pasta brand. It was even my favourite.
One day I’ll be happy with myself again.