The night is always the hardest time.
My dog is snoring beside me and I’m wide awake.
Images fill my head. Most of them are streets, nature and places. Not people, just feelings. I miss it so much. The colours. The big sky and clouds. The melancholy it made me feel. Don’t get me wrong, I love my home. It’s just that I’m broken. When you travel and live abroad that’s how it works. You just feel it. You don’t belong anywhere but everywhere. And nowhere is how you felt home before you started.
Friday night I left home like a gipsy. Guess what? I met him. He is loosing more hair, was wearing a stupid jeans and sheep jacket and he still was the most beautiful thing for miles. I behaved. I stayed in my corner. Got an hello. Happy days. Not.
I just feel so empty.
“Vulnerability is the essence of romance. It’s the art of being uncalculated, the willingness to look foolish, the courage to say, ‘This is me, and I’m interested in you enough to show you my flaws with the hope that you may embrace me for all that I am but, more important, all that I am not.'”
Vulnerability. What’s that?
Days pass by and I just need some kind of contact. I don’t want anyone that fucks with my brain. I just want not to think. I already gave up my vulnerability and I got it back.
I downloaded Tinder, but to I am embarrass to actually set it up and use it. Some days I just wish I was living in a big city. I know everyone here and I don’t have any physical attraction to anyone.
If I was a boy I would say “Hard days”.
You are in the DNA between the molecules
The more Valentine’s Day approaches the more I feel weird. It’s not because of the thought of love and bla bla bla, it’s because that was the night we got together. It’s so weird. I would love to say I never think about him, I would love that it was real. But no. I do. I do miss him every fucking day. I haven’t seen him in over a month.
I got a new haircut and I finally found a job. Life is getting better but there is still something missing.
God. I need sex. I need physical contact. I need someone that fucks my brain. How much I miss that. That’s the best warm up.
Oh yeah. I met my ex BFF. It was lovely. We said “Hi” without even looking at each other’s face. Wonderful. #sarcasticmuch
Tell me all of the things that you couldn’t before
Don’t walk away, don’t roll your eyes
They say love is pain, well darling, let’s hurt tonight.
Has been almost a week and I still didn’t hear anything from him. I didn’t write him either cause I thought I had to wait and see. And what I’m seeing is not what I was hoping for.
I wanted to tell him, or at least let him read it. Show him this blog and a letter I wrote. But is it worth it? I’m broken already, he just gonna walk over me.
I hate myself, my thoughts, my fucking idea of him. Nothing is like I lived it. Nothing.
And I feel so empty right now.
I’ve got this quote stuck in my head. I just want to stop thinking of him. It’s so painful.
I met him for a coffee on Saturday. I never felt so nervous sitting at the same table. We started chit chatting of normal stuff then he said to me that he met his ex and while they were speaking he told her what I said to him (why someone cheat), but I never told him that I cheated because was with him. Only him. I would have not done it even with Bradley Cooper. And then he said to her that I was mad cause she had him that way and didn’t understand anything of him. Those were my actual words. And he didn’t understand them. He didn’t get that all I meant. How much I care about him, what I would have done if I was so lucky to be with him. But no. I think he thought that I said that just to make him feel better. How did she not get that either?
I don’t know if laugh or cry.
I know what you did last summer. Throw back to one of the best nights of my life.
I’ve been waiting to meet him for 6 endless months. I was dreaming his face, his deep brown eyes, his perfect teeth. I just missed him so much.
I stop eating on Thursday, my stomach was on strike and nothing could have make it work. I was counting the seconds till I would have meet him.
I had a couple of drinks with the rest of his friends, my heart was beating so hard I was worried other people could have heard it.
I just felt his presenze behind me, he press his lips on my cheeck and my body got rock hard. I needed him. I wanted to feel his lips, his hands all over my body. I wanted him inside me, I wanted to feel him as soon as possible.
The crew left to go to the restaurant and he asked me to join him to pick up another friend and then meet up with the rest. Neither of us were talking, but as soon as he started the car we started kissing. His lips were so soft, but he was carving for me. He was passionate, his tongue in my mouth. I just couldn’t wait but unfortunately we were part of a group.
We were sitting beside and I couldn’t keep my hands away from his thigh. I loved teasing him in public, that feeling of not being discovered is priceless. We were nothing official, we both have partners that are not in our hometown.
Time couldn’t pass slower, I was going crazy. After 2 long hours we managed to leave. Pretending to say bye and then meeting outside mine.
He drove for a couple of minutes until we reached a beach. Took a big towel out of the car and show me down by the lake. It was midnight, you could see the lights on the other coast, the star shining above us and could hear the noise of the waves. But nothing was as gorgeous as himself.
We started kissing, I could feel he needed me too. A little rough beard touching my skin, keep kissing me down my neck and pulling down part of my dress then taking care of my breasts, licking and sucking my nipples. He didn’t even reach down there and I was ready anyway, but he wasn’t. He loved being generous. He pulled up the skirt and down the panties and started licking, kissing and biting me. I’m always too excited to reach the big ‘O’ cause the only thing I care his making him feel like that’s the best sex he could get and that his girlfriend is not enough.
I take off his shirt and start biting and kissing his neck, he started moan. Licking his left nipple, I start undo his zip. I slowly start touch his erection, while he pushes it closer to me.
I start kissing it, using my tongue up and down, wetting it more and more. I know what he likes and start sucking his balls and going even more far down. My only goal was to drive him insane and he knew it.
I got on top and started riding him, I could see his face, kiss him and bite him. You know you are in trouble when you look at him and think you have and will never see anything more beautiful.
He took me from behind, slapping my ass and holding my neck, coming closer and keep kissing me. Making me feel that he needed me too.
One hour after I can hear his breath changing, getting faster. Holding my head down thight, while he cummed in my mouth.
“Dear God, I feel dizzy. I got visions.” he said.
I rolled over on the side with my breast still out and the dressed rolled up. “You look like a paint.” My heart lost a beat. I wish I didn’t love him, that I was the one that he introduced home, that walk about holding hands.
He dropped me at mine and kiss me good night, with the promise of repeating it the following night.
Ps: unfortunately we got carried away a little too much, he ended up with some scratches and marks on his chests that he didn’t appreciate. Not speaking with me in two days.
Pps: I didn’t do it on purpose. I swear on my dog that I love to bits.
He has just been texting me to tell me he is meeting her tomorrow after begging for it. I really don’t know what my reaction should be.
I started crying and laughing together. I’m officially in the friend zone. He hasn’t been shagging me since Christmas. Over two months. It’s all over and I became his BFF now. My head hurts.
I really need some good sex. I really want someone that takes me with passion. Nothing too sick or violent but something that leaves me with a smile for at least three days.
God. How much I miss his smile. And his kisses. And him banging me.