No one does it better

I woke up this morning with a grudge the size of your story
Oh, I feel, I feel so low
Let me start at the end, the part I haven’t figured out yet

At the end of the day I didn’t have the courage to tell him about the blog. Not because I didn’t want to be honest with him, just because I didn’t want my old life and bad habits to be kind of public. I didn’t want him to know about M. and our kind of sick relationship while both in relationships. Fun fact about him: I found him stalking my Instagram stories with a fake profile. So I just messaged him saying I was happy. I was fine. That if he needed to know anything could have just ask me and that I knew he was happy too.

Going back to Mr C. well turns out he has been in a relationship with that “it was only dinner” for the last few months. I am really heartbroken and disappointed.

He couldn’t see why he should have told me, that I knew he didn’t want to date me and he couldn’t understand what was the problem of us going for dinner.

After my answer I don’t think I’ll hear from him for years and that really upset me but do I really want someone that can’t be honest? I’m no so sure anymore. I lie for work, I pretend I care when 95% of the time I really don’t want that ever again in my private life. I want to be able to go to bed and be in peace with myself. Anyway here is my answer. It didn’t make any difference. I’ve been left on read for a full day and then probably just opened.

” If you shagged me cause in that week you didn’t have nothing better to take home you could have just said that. Two months ago you said you had dinner with someone and said “it was just dinner”. If I was just a friend I don’t see why it was so difficult tell me “oh btw I’m still seeing that someone” because it’s a normal thing you would say to a friend. I really just wanted to make you happy. I heard you on the phone last Saturday and you sounded crap. I saw the cup and bought it. I just wanted to do something that would have make you smile a little and I’m not for material things but getting hold of you was a mission and I’m not saying you didn’t work or you didn’t see the family.

I still don’t understand. What’s so wrong with me? Am I too ugly? Am I not clever enough? Am I not funny? Am I just not good enough? Why am I so bad that you wouldn’t date me? I just wanted a chance. I really care about you. When I came out of the tube on Wednesday I was just so happy to see you and you looked so beautiful I felt the luckiest person around. Then the other day I was on the bus and Elton John started playing. Rocket man. I could literally picture you going for a shower after we saw the John Lewis commercial and putting that on. Complete looser. I’m so sad. I thought there was more. I still can’t believe I didn’t get you at all. I read something: relationships aren’t cages and intimacy isn’t something that holds you back. Funny enough I always had the opposite idea. Wish you the best and you know where to find me when you realise that maybe lots of chat and just 5 days were not enough. Because they are not. Maybe it’s not the right time again but it can’t be it. I’ll really miss you and I don’t want you to let me, but I wasn’t and I can’t be just a friend. I can’t have just dinner with someone I then want to wake up beside. 💔”

I never been such a wimp, I just really thought he was the one. I meant every single word I said.

B.

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