Make it to me

So sick of this lonely air
It seems such a waste of breath
So much that I need to say
So much to get off my chest

I’ve just had two days off and I’m so bored I can’t wait to go back to work.

My housemate and her bf constantly argue and I mean constantly, apart from once a week when they shag. Hence I’m looking for a new house, maybe closer to the city centre so I don’t have to die from loneliness over here. Not a shop. Not a gym. Not a pub. Nothing.

My heart is still broken. The girl is his colleague. I’m sure about it. It’s funny. When I was on holiday with my ex and there was a colleague that kept phoning him and texting him he said that was because “she is so good at her job and dedicated”. That was the one he was shagging. C. used the exact same words to describe this person. It’s not just a couple of months, I’m sure has been so much more. I was thinking to text M. and ask him what is so wrong with me. He should have the answer. And the fact that I’m not into him anymore could help. I don’t know that was just a thought. I still can’t believe. I really can’t.

B.

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Sorry seems to be the hardest word

What have I got to do make you love me?
What have I got to do to be heard?

6 days have passed and he never answered me. I got him so wrong 100% cause I really thought he would have said something, even one of those stupid British sorry.

I miss him.

B.

No one does it better

I woke up this morning with a grudge the size of your story
Oh, I feel, I feel so low
Let me start at the end, the part I haven’t figured out yet

At the end of the day I didn’t have the courage to tell him about the blog. Not because I didn’t want to be honest with him, just because I didn’t want my old life and bad habits to be kind of public. I didn’t want him to know about M. and our kind of sick relationship while both in relationships. Fun fact about him: I found him stalking my Instagram stories with a fake profile. So I just messaged him saying I was happy. I was fine. That if he needed to know anything could have just ask me and that I knew he was happy too.

Going back to Mr C. well turns out he has been in a relationship with that “it was only dinner” for the last few months. I am really heartbroken and disappointed.

He couldn’t see why he should have told me, that I knew he didn’t want to date me and he couldn’t understand what was the problem of us going for dinner.

After my answer I don’t think I’ll hear from him for years and that really upset me but do I really want someone that can’t be honest? I’m no so sure anymore. I lie for work, I pretend I care when 95% of the time I really don’t want that ever again in my private life. I want to be able to go to bed and be in peace with myself. Anyway here is my answer. It didn’t make any difference. I’ve been left on read for a full day and then probably just opened.

” If you shagged me cause in that week you didn’t have nothing better to take home you could have just said that. Two months ago you said you had dinner with someone and said “it was just dinner”. If I was just a friend I don’t see why it was so difficult tell me “oh btw I’m still seeing that someone” because it’s a normal thing you would say to a friend. I really just wanted to make you happy. I heard you on the phone last Saturday and you sounded crap. I saw the cup and bought it. I just wanted to do something that would have make you smile a little and I’m not for material things but getting hold of you was a mission and I’m not saying you didn’t work or you didn’t see the family.

I still don’t understand. What’s so wrong with me? Am I too ugly? Am I not clever enough? Am I not funny? Am I just not good enough? Why am I so bad that you wouldn’t date me? I just wanted a chance. I really care about you. When I came out of the tube on Wednesday I was just so happy to see you and you looked so beautiful I felt the luckiest person around. Then the other day I was on the bus and Elton John started playing. Rocket man. I could literally picture you going for a shower after we saw the John Lewis commercial and putting that on. Complete looser. I’m so sad. I thought there was more. I still can’t believe I didn’t get you at all. I read something: relationships aren’t cages and intimacy isn’t something that holds you back. Funny enough I always had the opposite idea. Wish you the best and you know where to find me when you realise that maybe lots of chat and just 5 days were not enough. Because they are not. Maybe it’s not the right time again but it can’t be it. I’ll really miss you and I don’t want you to let me, but I wasn’t and I can’t be just a friend. I can’t have just dinner with someone I then want to wake up beside. 💔”

I never been such a wimp, I just really thought he was the one. I meant every single word I said.

B.

You are the one

“Won’t you hold my hand and stay awhile”

INTRO for MR C. You might or you might not being reading this. I don’t really know what you’ll decide to do, but just FYI not even my bff knows the name of my blog. I don’t know why with you I just felt I want to be transparent. Be aware of the fact that when I write I’m kind of in the zone. I vomit words and if you read something you don’t like I already apologise for it.

I haven’t heard anything from him for two days, I messaged tonight and he had his phone off. Guess someone was having a better time than me. I do feel hopeless and I hate waiting. There is really someone else. I don’t know what I expected, I have no idea if he ever felt anything (You still haven’t answered me).

When I met him the other night and I saw him across the road with a smile on his face all I could think was how lucky. He was beautiful. I really had the need to touch him. His hand was on the table, I wanted to hold it. He was biting his lips and I just wanted to kiss him. I wanted to be with him and wake up beside him. Have a peanut butter sandwich and go to work. Like if it was our normality. Home. Were you want to be. Warm.

I had to literally run away cause I was so disappointed I didn’t know how long would have been before I would have started crying. He didn’t said he had someone else until the following night. Why was so difficult if I’m just a friend? I don’t get it.

All I wanted was a chance. I’m here now. I wanted to go to nice restaurant and complain, to crappy ones and complain. I wanted to walk by the river at night. I wanted to be there in the bad days, when work sucks, family sucks and all you need is someone that cares so much that it make you feel better. I really just wanted to make him happy. I had so much to give him. Such a loser. I’m just sad. I miss him.

B.

Ps: don’t let me go.

A Sunday kind of love

You can feel when your heart is breaking. I get goosebumps and my stomach hurts. I feel like crying and sleep at the same time. I feel empty and full of things to give. Tonight is one of those nights.

I spent the last months hoping to see C. and that all things would have gone back to normal. I’ve been in London for almost a month and I got ditched twice. Tonight we finally met and things were normal. Normal in a good way: no embarrassment, a good laugh, simple. All I wanted was to kiss him. He is just the most beautiful thing I ever seen. I felt home. I just wished he was feeling the same but I guess he doesn’t since I’m going back alone.

B.