Stuck in a moment you can’t get out of

It’s just a moment, this time will pass.

So guys I got the job and will be moving soon.

I’m not sure of what I’m doing tbh, I don’t know why I am doing it. The situation at home is not great, I am going to miss them so much and I’m going to miss my dog even more. Why my love life sucks I have no idea. I wanted to be his. I really wanted it. I’m so lost. I spoke briefly with him cause he was getting an operation. I miss him so much some days. I miss the laughs, I miss his face. And there is nothing I can do.

B.

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Do I wanna know?

Ever thought of calling when you’ve had a few?

After 4 days C. decided to answer me. I didn’t expect any or actually wanted any. I was already focused on the fact that that was it. It was brief. Said something about my interviews and than that the girl was only recent, that he meant for dinner. That he was sorry he was dead when I was over and felt bad he was ko when I couldn’t sleep.

I don’t know. I’ve got nothing to answer to that tbh. I don’t understand why he felt like explaining when I’m clearly nobody for him. It was just dinner? Yeah, sure. I believe that. 😂 I don’t believe a word anymore. I’m too tired. I can’t coop with this nonsense.

B.

Hold it down

I’m looking for answers, but lost in my head
Now I reach into darkness and take what I ge
t..

“I don’t get why anyone should be embarrassed” – that’s a message he sent me.

Sorry, I just don’t get how should I act now.

I told you how I was feeling, you told me you are seeing someone, that you don’t like me and should I still act like it’s all good?

On Thursday night I couldn’t sleep at all. I had an interview on Friday morning with a brain that wasn’t functioning. I was really sad and than luckily for me apathy kicked in.

I spent the last months believing that your life was really hell. Accepting that and just waiting for you to find the time to get back to me. I saw you few weeks ago, so pale and tired and really thought it was all true. Now I don’t know if I believe that, maybe you were just back from a wild night.

I was talking to my brother and all he said to me was that when someone wants to talk to you, they pick up their phone. That there is no way on earth that in 24h you couldn’t find 2 min even sitting on a toilet to get back to me. He told me I was just accepting your game and that was something pretty immature cause there is nothing wrong in being honest.

I have plenty of guy friends. I love them. I talk with them about all kind of things. I’m happy when they meet someone they like. I don’t sleep with them and I don’t feel like I want to be their someone, I’m there for them when they need me but I don’t want to be the one their support for even the little things. I don’t think of how nice would be to wake up beside them or what a good team we could be together. I honestly can’t be more clear than this and trust me this is already costing me a lot. So I’m sorry. I don’t want to be your friend but I wish you all the best.

B.

Ps the other interview went well. I’m going to London for the second one next week.

Rocket Man

…and I think it’s gonna be a long long time.

When I hear this song all I picture in my head is myself in C’s bed while he is taking a shower and Elton voice exploding in the all house through the sound system.

Guess it’s time I stop listening to it. Finally we have some clarity. Guess that’s all I wanted apart from knowing him better.

So on Friday I told him if I moved to London I maybe would have asked him out. It took him 4 days to answer me and said something like “oh yeah this girl asked me out the other day”. I genuinely hoped he was talking about me, so I asked if he was being sarcastic or there was another girl. There was no sarcasm. Well, it wasn’t that she asked him out, he actually went out with her.

I felt sick and I’m not even being dramatic. We started speaking in July and not once he mentioned anyone.

I really thought we could have been like Harry and Sally. I don’t know why I even think sometimes.

I got another interview for fucking London tomorrow. Was I moving for him? No, but he was making everything much more appealing.

I’m broken again.

B.