Happy you’re gone

This melody will fade away and die..

Just for today, breath me and say goodbye 

I had sex last night. Empty, soulless sex. 

I don’t know why I done it, it just kind of happen. I meet this guy a few months ago and he was a charmer. Didn’t see him until a few weeks ago, I was drunk and talked some nonsense to his friend about sex with no attachment. He had me on Fb and started message me, we chit chat a little but nothing serious. He started ask me out and I kept finding excuses. Until last night, I felt alone and bored and sad. I needed a distraction. 

He showed up, taller than me, dark hair and eyes with a growing beard with a box of strawberries and a bottle of red. 

We started chatting and found out we have many things in common, many people we know and that we even had the same teacher and that one of my biggest teenager crush is his best friend. We talked about love, work and future. Then he asked me about my boyfriend, if he knew about me being there with him. I told him no and that I was not planning to tell him. And then he kissed me, slowly. I didn’t feel any butterflies, I didn’t feel warm between my legs. I didn’t feel anything. I don’t know why I accepted to keep going and moved to my room. I was just in need of someone to take care of me. We played around and then he was in me. Nothing special, I kept my eyes closed the all time. I was dreaming of him being someone else, but he wasn’t. I could feel it. Nothing was the same. I’m not on birth control and I told him a few times, he still forgot. This morning I went to get a day after pill. Almost thirty and was my first time being so stupid with someone I don’t even know the last name. Great. 

I miss him so much, this stupid nonsense sex just reminded me how much I need him, how much I want to feel his lips on mine and his hands on me. Why I can’t? Why? 

B. 

Why do I miss you?

Why am I feeling like this? Why can’t I just stop thinking? I just want to sleep more than 20 minutes at the time. 
Friday. 

I got to the bar, sitting, having a drink with the girls, I felt a shadow behind him and just looked at the back of his head. 

Saturday. 

I got in the bar, he went outside, got my drink went outside and he got back in, I got in and he went out again. 

Sunday. 

I was standing at the bar with my friends and he just looked at me with sufficiency. I had to fight the tears from coming down. I got home and I texted him, to please pass by. I just needed to know he was alright and was feeling better but he got back to me saying he was going home. Lies. Always lies. He last accessed WA at 3 am. He was out banging someone else. I know it. I could feel it. I hate life. So I blocked him everywhere and then texted him. I told him I was in bed hating myself while he was outside happily shagging. I thought I had no more tears but I was wrong. That the only thing that matter to me was his happiness. 

He’ll never get it. He could have take anything from me. I just wanted him to be happy. I wanted to make him happy. I hate life. 

B. 

Bella is broken.

So, this is going to be my last post. 

I feel like I’m a bubble. Like if nothing has sense. Or maybe like nothing at all. A year ago I was confused cause all I wanted to do was come back home as soon as possible to see him and now there is nothing. I’m alone. 

Tuesday I was literally freaking out so I texted him all I had in my head and my heart. I told him how much I cared, how bad I felt cause he was sad, that I would have never made him sad. That all I cared was his happiness and that I missed him so much. I offered my heart, again, on a silver plate. He throw it on the floor and walked over it. Doesn’t love or care about me, more than a friend and he will never will. 5 years ago like today. He thought I was a real friend not that I had double intentions. That really hurt. I was a friend. I’ve being standing by his side, even hoping for a happy ending just because I love him so much that the only thing that matters to me is his happiness. I’m not in that picture and I will never be. 

I hate life today. I hate love. There is so much important shit happening everyday and all I care about is him. 

I’ll never kiss those lips again. I’ll never feel his hand on me or have sex like that. I never wake up and find a text asking how am I feeling. I will never hear his voice whispering when he is inside me. And he was the one for me. The one I really would have accepted in all his sides. 

I’m broken again. I love him and he will never feel the way I feel. 

Goodbye. 

B. 

Let’s Hurt Tonight

Tell me all of the things that you couldn’t before

Don’t walk away, don’t roll your eyes

They say love is pain, well darling, let’s hurt tonight. 

Has been almost a week and I still didn’t hear anything from him. I didn’t write him either cause I thought I had to wait and see. And what I’m seeing is not what I was hoping for. 

I wanted to tell him, or at least let him read it. Show him this blog and a letter I wrote. But is it worth it? I’m broken already, he just gonna walk over me. 

I hate myself, my thoughts, my fucking idea of him. Nothing is like I lived it. Nothing. 

And I feel so empty right now. 

B. 

So pick me. Choose me. Love me.

I’ve got this quote stuck in my head. I just want to stop thinking of him. It’s so painful. 

I met him for a coffee on Saturday. I never felt so nervous sitting at the same table. We started chit chatting of normal stuff then he said to me that he met his ex and while they were speaking he told her what I said to him (why someone cheat), but I never told him that I cheated because was with him. Only him. I would have not done it even with Bradley Cooper. And then he said to her that I was mad cause she had him that way and didn’t understand anything of him. Those were my actual words. And he didn’t understand them. He didn’t get that all I meant. How much I care about him, what I would have done if I was so lucky to be with him. But no. I think he thought that I said that just to make him feel better. How did she not get that either? 

I don’t know if laugh or cry. 

B. 

The Dreamer

I know what you did last summer. Throw back to one of the best nights of my life. 

I’ve been waiting to meet him for 6 endless months. I was dreaming his face, his deep brown eyes, his perfect teeth. I just missed him so much.
I stop eating on Thursday, my stomach was on strike and nothing could have make it work. I was counting the seconds till I would have meet him.
I had a couple of drinks with the rest of his friends, my heart was beating so hard I was worried other people could have hear it.
I just felt his presenve behind me, he press his lips on my cheeck and my body got rock hard. I needed him. I wanted to feel his lips, his hands all over my body. I wanted him inside me, I wanted to feel him as soon as possible.
The crew left to go to the restaurant and he asked me to join him to pick up another friend and then meet up with the rest. Neither of us were talking, but as soon as he started the car we started kissing. His lips were so soft, but he was carving for me. He was passionate, his tongue in my mouth. I just couldn’t wait but unfortunately we were part of a group. 
We were sitting beside and I couldn’t keep my hands away from his thigh. I loved teasing him in public, that feeling of not being discovered is priceless. We were nothing official, we both have partners that are not in our hometown. 
Time couldn’t pass slower, I was going crazy. After 2 long hours we managed to leave. Pretending to say bye and then meeting outside mine. 
He drove for a couple of minutes until we reached a beach. Took a big towel out of the car and show me down by the lake. It was midnight, you could see the lights on the other coast, the star shining above us and could hear the noise of the waves. But nothing was as gorgeous as himself. 
We started kissing, I could feel he needed me too. A little rough beard touching my skin, keep kissing me down my neck and pulling down part of my dress then taking care of my breasts, licking and sucking my nipples. He didn’t even reach down there and I was ready anyway, but he wasn’t. He loved being generous. He pulled up the skirt and down the panties and started licking, kissing and biting me. I’m always too excited to reach the big ‘O’ cause the only thing I care his making him feel like that’s the best sex he could get and that his girlfriend is not enough. 
I take off his shirt and start biting and kissing his neck, he started moan. Licking his left nipple, I start undo his zip. I slowly start touch his erection, while he pushes it closer to me. 
I start kissing it, using my tongue up and down, wetting it more and more. I know what he likes and start sucking his balls and going even more far down. My only goal was to drive him insane and he knew it. 
I got on top and started riding him, I could see his face, kiss him and bite him. You know you are in trouble when you look at him and think you have and will never see anything more beautiful. 
He took me from behind, slapping my ass and holding my neck, coming closer and keep kissing me. Making me feel that he needed me too. 
One hour after I can hear his breath changing, getting faster. Holding my head down thight, while he cummed in my mouth. 
“Dear God, I feel dizzy. I got visions.” he said. 
I rolled over on the side with my breast still out and the dressed rolled up. “You look like a paint.” My heart lost a beat. I wish I didn’t love him, that I was the one that he introduced home, that walk about holding hands. 
He dropped me at mine and kiss me good night, with the promise of repeating it the following night. 
B.
Ps: unfortunately we got carried away a little too much, he ended up with some scratches and marks on his chests that he didn’t appreciate. Not speaking with me in two days. 
Pps: I didn’t do it on purpose. I swear on my dog that I love to bits. 

Dive

If sex was something sweet for me would totally be a Sacher Torte, but not just a basic one, the one with an extra layer of chocolate ganache. That smooth bittersweet taste and then the fresh sourness of the apricot jam. Heaven. Absolute heaven. 

So on Friday I was left with him meeting his ex and me feeling even more extra confused. I was really hoping that would have been the end of everything, in a way or another, but karma is a bitch so few hours later he text me to say that she was too tired so ditched him. Again I had mixed feelings. I just told him to please come home (and I mean the hometown as he lives away). I kinda of kept him company till he got back.  

The following day I just really wanted to see him, to see his face, even to get a meaningless hug just to feel something again, but I had plans and the timings were not matching. Anyway we left it with a “we meet at the usual place”. 

It took me two hours to get ready, girls know what I mean with two hours. I was on point, ready for anything that could have happened. I’m not a big make up user but I done my best and I honestly felt pretty. But of course wasn’t enough. 

I got at the bar with my girls and we started having a drink, we were meant to go elsewhere but I just needed to see him. I just wanted him to look at me and think I looked good. We were ready to go and he still wasn’t there. I begged my friends to wait another minute. They hate him. They did in the past, then they thought he was kind of ok, but now we are back to “He is just a cunt not worth anything” and I can never answer to that. So someone joked with “Are we waiting again for the coming of the Messiah?”. Funny enough he appeared at the door. I was probably bright pink, all I wanted to was a “Hello how’s it going?”but no. He passed by, saying a general hello and without even looking at me in the face. It felt like a slap on my cheek. Got a beer with his friend and left to go outside. My best friend just looked at me and said “That’s what I just wanted to avoid”. My expression changed. So we left, I took the back door cause I didn’t want to even look at him or feel even more pathetic.

After an hour I just text him why he can send me messages to tell me he meets his ex but he can’t even look at me. His answer came soon enough saying he did say hi. I didn’t text him back. An hour later he text me he felt sorry about it and that he even looked at me. Lies. All lies. I said something like “Fine, sorry”. 

The night was going, I wasn’t there with my head. Had a few glasses of wine and asked him to meet up the following day. 

I was up early, went for a walk, breakfast with my friends and then back home. He text me around 12 that he just woke up and didn’t know if he would have manage to catch up. I said not to worry cause I didn’t feel I wanted to look at him in the eyes again. Well he asked me a few questions like when I was having lunch and where, then pretty much what I understood was that he would have pass by my family’s place to get the train ticket and that’s where I was for lunch. I put a lace bodysuit under a see through top, back trousers and boots. I wanted him to see that bodysuit and remember what he did to me in it. 

Banging on 14,22 he passed in front of the restaurant glass door going towards the bar area. He could have not seen me but I did. The train was at 14,45 so I was pretty confident he would have looked for me or msg me. Minutes were passing by, I was just staring at my phone. And.. nothing happened. And I feel broken and stupid again. 

B.