“Have you ever seen the rain coming down on a sunny day?”
I can’t sleep. Thank you very much. That phone call freaked me out.
So at 15:17 you wanted to see my panties, at 15:37 you said you don’t want me. You vomited words on me for half an hour.
I know you have a life. I know how much you have to lose. I know there is not going to be an happy ending. I don’t want anyone to suffer. Them, you, me. No one. I like you, yes. I love you, no. The way you look at me is so intense. Like “I can see what you are feeling” intense. You don’t need to tell me what you want to do to me. It’s pretty clear.
I’m not delusional. I always try to find a bright side because life sucks enough as it is. The idea of you picturing me like that was disappointing.
Kissing is part of sex. It’s not me being romantic. It’s the glue for the all thing. I liked kissing you. It was natural. I needed to kiss you because I would have felt the need you had of me. Last week there was passion, yesterday that was not there. I did not try to kiss you just because I wanted to prove a point. I can do it, but is not even close to how good it could have been. We had two months of fore playing for 5 minutes in a broken shower. And no it’s not the lasting the problem, there was just something missing. It was not worth it. I like sex. I don’t feel like an object. I like doggy style, again it’s a power thing. I wanted to give you pleasure, I wish I could have done it my way. End of it.
You said so many things and some of them were kind of hurtful. You said you wouldn’t sleep with my colleague because she is married. Guess that makes me an awful human being. “Go have sex with someone else this weekend and use a condom. Actually if that happens please don’t tell me.” WTF. You asked me when I had sex the last time. I said a month. You wanna know the truth? I met that guy online. He was a really nice guy. We went out a few times just because I was trying not to put myself in this crap.
“You should keep in your bag a list of the things I do to you. Actually maybe you shouldn’t do that.” WTF. Seriously. What. The. Actual. Fuck.
Maybe it’s more complicated than I thought. Maybe you are more confused than you should be. Maybe is just more than my pussy being so tight. Maybe is just more than “I love fucking you”. Maybe I am not the one that is falling. Maybe you should stop projecting on me all the things you are feeling: the bad one and the good ones. I’m not a slut for sleeping with you and also you like me as a person. The night we had dinner it was you being you again. There was connection. There was chemistry.
Again you hurt me when you said “You’ve done this before” like I am a pro at it. I survived 3 girlfriends. Not one. Three. I was never skinny enough or beautiful enough to be the one brought in public. I loved him. I would have done anything for him. You see his ex girlfriends are all misogynistic, muscly but still he came to me and not just for the sex, we talked. Always. All the time. I would have accepted him as he was. Am I proud of it? No. Do I need to justify my past? No. It takes two to tango.
I don’t agree with your “I need to get fit for my wife” nonsense. You are attractive and charming. You have those cheeky eyes. You have a beautiful smile. And then you have brain, your no sarcasm sarcastic policy, that cracks me up. So no, that’s bullshit. It’s not a few extra kg that make the difference. I have way to many extra kg and I’m pretty sure you were hard without me even touching you. Oh yeah, I was pretty wet just hearing you talking too.
I believe in the universe, in things happening for a reason. Yes. I wish I would have met you before you picked a life. It would have been much easier. But it’s ok, you are fine, I am fine. Nothing has to happen again. – and while I am writing this I know it’s a lie, because while you spent your days off been the perfect family man, the rest of the time you tortured yourself trying to figure out what to do. I reckon by Wednesday we will be going back to where we left it. Or probably that’s just what I would like.
You have this idea of me like a seductive person, that knows what is doing and know how to play people. I know how to be at work, I know how to be professional. I’m an absolute disaster with everything else. When I don’t talk it’s simply because I’m too shy to say what I’ve got in my head. I’ve been transparent with you more than you think. I’ve been myself. I had to keep something just because of your life. You got a lot to lose, at the same time I don’t want to lose myself.
I can give you this you were right with I don’t enjoy not being able to talk to you after working hours. I don’t. That night phone call was a lot to take in. So yes, I would love that to happen again but I came to terms with the fact that it’s unlikely.
You said you like the photos folder and at the same time never added anything to it. I just wanted to keep adding things because I’ve got the feeling that you would have kept checking it, but then what’s the point really?