All about my messy life
But I can’t shake the feeling off my mind
That you want more, you want more..
Life goes on and has been almost a month since I saw him.
My break away has been amazing. We ate and drink and had sex several times a day. Yes SEVERAL. It was the best time of my life.
He has a beautiful soul, he’s kind and so so so cleaver.
I haven’t been so happy in so long.
I miss him so much.
B.
We are exactly in the same place as we were before.
Anyway, the thing is, what I really mean
It’s yours are the sweetest eyes I’ve ever seen
The other day we watched the new John Lewis add.
I can feel it happening again. I can feel my heart slowly breaking in a thousand pieces.
I really liked him. Honestly, I have know idea how this all nonsense happened and all I know is that I really want to be with him. I want to wake up looking at his beautiful face for the rest of my life. And that is mental. I’m the one that rather sleep alone. But you know when you just feel you find peace? That’s how I felt. I like him so much. I hope I wasn’t just a few nights stand. I miss him and I’m so scared.
B.
I’m laying in C’s bed wide awake.
I’ve been here since Tuesday, we ended up in bed straight away. I like him. I really do. It’s like that “I feel home” feeling. I just wanna cover him in kisses and have sex all day (and night). I didn’t feel this way in so long. It’s so scary. I leave on Sunday and I don’t even know what it’s going to happen. We’ve been talking for the last 4 months daily and now I’m not sure this will still happen.
Last night I asked him when he was coming to visit me and the answer was “I can’t commit to anything” and that really burned. He has been amazing, showing me everywhere, eating great and drinking. I really wanted him to see the places I’m proud of too. And of course I just wanted to spend more time with him.
I just want this not to end.
B.
11 days until my holiday. All my hopes are gone tbh. I already feel nothing is going to happen. He never showed much interest and this really turned me off. Good. Better now than later!
Feeling like Bridget Jones when she walks in front of Piccadilly’s.
“Days without sex: a billion”
I can’t even see myself being touched by anyone. Physical contact kind of repulses me. I’m not attracted to anyone. I don’t want to meet or talk to anyone.
B.
“How do you know when you are in love?”
“All the songs make sense”
I wish I could say they do, but they don’t.I don’t understand. I must be the weirdest human being on Earth, something really doesn’t work with me.
Conversations with C. started become boring and while before was a really long message per day, well became a medium one. And then the hours started stretching. So the day become two. The almost imperceptible naughtyness on his side disappereared. I thought something was going to happen. I thought I was going to enjoy his company and to be honest not just that. I’m such a fuck up.
Guess i’ll be featured in the next Guinness World Records book. Biggest Screw Up.
B.
No, don’t get to excited. I did not get any rebound. It’s just the title of the movie I watched.
And I cried. And cried. And cried some more.
I feel cold and lonely. I need love and physical contact and that’s something that scares me so much.
I don’t want to be alone. I want to feel loved and safe. I want something more from life.
I like C. He makes me feel warm inside. Kind of alive. I’m so scared things will change when we meet. I’m terrified he won’t like me while I can’t wait to see him. I want to hug him. And eat pizza on the couch while watching a movie. Walk around the city and visit a museum. I want to take pictures of him. I want to have something nice to remember.
B.
But each time I tell myself that I, well I can’t stand the pain But when you hold me in your arms, I’ll sing it once again I’ll say come on, come on, come on, come on and take it
So I was working today, a couple came to check-in. She phoned this morning letting us know it was going to be his birthday and she wanted to organize something special for her boyfriend.
While he was parking the car we gave her a card to write to accompany the bottle of bubbles to go to the room. She got emotional and started cry. We offered a Kleenex, he came back and they went to the room.
The card just said “Doesn’t matter where you are, it only matter who you are with. I love you”.
Plain and simple. So true. Made my heart cringe. I was in the corridor and could not remember what love felt like. What happiness felt like. What actually feeling something for someone felt like.
B.
