Machines

I heard that when nothing goes right goes left. I’m not so sure. 

I feel sick to the bones. 

I sent a message to the last guy I’ve been with. I just needed to get some stuff out of my system. I told him I was sorry for how I acted, but I was scared of him and also of what he was feeling. That the words he said to me, I said before to someone else and I didn’t want to hurt him like I’ve been. He didn’t reply and stopped wave at me when we meet in the morning in the traffic. I meet him in the street last night and he didn’t even look at me. I just keep getting broken up. Why me? Why always me? Too bad I was tipsy. I messaged him. He text me back today saying I treated him like crap, that I should think about it and that he got a new girlfriend now. Has been just over three weeks. He told me he was falling in love with me, he said he had better moments with me in few months that in 9 years of relationships. I feel so cold. 

But that’s not all. 

My BFF is back. We haven’t seen each other in few months, been talking about meeting up for ages. So I was really excited just to get a hug. I finished work, showered and went for a walk. He was out with the other one and didn’t want to see me. I do get it’s an awkward position, but I’m almost 30 and polite. I would have just say hi. He knows the other girl he is shagging just now. I said to not make friends too much. I wouldn’t have stand the idea of my best friend approving her more than me. But it’s pretty clear that things are just not the way I wished they should be. 

I hate life tonight. 

Fusilli with Mushrooms Sauce.

I didn’t feel like writing for long time. I almost forgot about him, about life even about the pain. 

But today I’m feeling it deep down, thorough my bones.

I just saw a post on Facebook from his friends, cause he ditched them. 

So I didn’t update in so long that you don’t know what happened. 

I told you about the sex I had with that new guy, well wasn’t my plan to keep doing it, but was taking away my head from the rest.  Then the situations changed. I’ve always been honest with him. I told him I had a boyfriend and wasn’t looking for nothing but life is a bitch and he started have feelings. I didn’t want to hurt him. He was a nice guy. So had to cut it. 

The other one, well he said bad things about me to his friends, he avoided me completely and then one night I saw it. We were at the same bar, I saw how he was talking to her. I saw how he was laughing. I saw the “involuntary” touches. I saw how he has been with me. I knew it. I knew was her. The funny part is that he always said he didn’t like her, too tighten up. I felt helpless: things never change. She is very beautiful. And again the plain kind he goes for. The one he can show off at concert and with his friends. The one that is not me. 

I just feel the tears streaming down my cheeks. 

He ditched his friends cause has been her birthday. He probably took her somewhere nice. Cause is not ashamed of her like he was of me. Cause I never been enough. 

I wish it was me. I wish I was happy as when he made me lunch after a good morning of sex. Fusilli with Mushrooms Sauce. I can’t even buy the same pasta brand. It was even my favourite. 

One day I’ll be happy with myself again. 

B. 

Happy you’re gone

This melody will fade away and die..

Just for today, breath me and say goodbye 

I had sex last night. Empty, soulless sex. 

I don’t know why I done it, it just kind of happen. I meet this guy a few months ago and he was a charmer. Didn’t see him until a few weeks ago, I was drunk and talked some nonsense to his friend about sex with no attachment. He had me on Fb and started message me, we chit chat a little but nothing serious. He started ask me out and I kept finding excuses. Until last night, I felt alone and bored and sad. I needed a distraction. 

He showed up, taller than me, dark hair and eyes with a growing beard with a box of strawberries and a bottle of red. 

We started chatting and found out we have many things in common, many people we know and that we even had the same teacher and that one of my biggest teenager crush is his best friend. We talked about love, work and future. Then he asked me about my boyfriend, if he knew about me being there with him. I told him no and that I was not planning to tell him. And then he kissed me, slowly. I didn’t feel any butterflies, I didn’t feel warm between my legs. I didn’t feel anything. I don’t know why I accepted to keep going and moved to my room. I was just in need of someone to take care of me. We played around and then he was in me. Nothing special, I kept my eyes closed the all time. I was dreaming of him being someone else, but he wasn’t. I could feel it. Nothing was the same. I’m not on birth control and I told him a few times, he still forgot. This morning I went to get a day after pill. Almost thirty and was my first time being so stupid with someone I don’t even know the last name. Great. 

I miss him so much, this stupid nonsense sex just reminded me how much I need him, how much I want to feel his lips on mine and his hands on me. Why I can’t? Why? 

B. 

Why do I miss you?

Why am I feeling like this? Why can’t I just stop thinking? I just want to sleep more than 20 minutes at the time. 
Friday. 

I got to the bar, sitting, having a drink with the girls, I felt a shadow behind him and just looked at the back of his head. 

Saturday. 

I got in the bar, he went outside, got my drink went outside and he got back in, I got in and he went out again. 

Sunday. 

I was standing at the bar with my friends and he just looked at me with sufficiency. I had to fight the tears from coming down. I got home and I texted him, to please pass by. I just needed to know he was alright and was feeling better but he got back to me saying he was going home. Lies. Always lies. He last accessed WA at 3 am. He was out banging someone else. I know it. I could feel it. I hate life. So I blocked him everywhere and then texted him. I told him I was in bed hating myself while he was outside happily shagging. I thought I had no more tears but I was wrong. That the only thing that matter to me was his happiness. 

He’ll never get it. He could have take anything from me. I just wanted him to be happy. I wanted to make him happy. I hate life. 

B. 

Bella is broken.

So, this is going to be my last post. 

I feel like I’m a bubble. Like if nothing has sense. Or maybe like nothing at all. A year ago I was confused cause all I wanted to do was come back home as soon as possible to see him and now there is nothing. I’m alone. 

Tuesday I was literally freaking out so I texted him all I had in my head and my heart. I told him how much I cared, how bad I felt cause he was sad, that I would have never made him sad. That all I cared was his happiness and that I missed him so much. I offered my heart, again, on a silver plate. He throw it on the floor and walked over it. Doesn’t love or care about me, more than a friend and he will never will. 5 years ago like today. He thought I was a real friend not that I had double intentions. That really hurt. I was a friend. I’ve being standing by his side, even hoping for a happy ending just because I love him so much that the only thing that matters to me is his happiness. I’m not in that picture and I will never be. 

I hate life today. I hate love. There is so much important shit happening everyday and all I care about is him. 

I’ll never kiss those lips again. I’ll never feel his hand on me or have sex like that. I never wake up and find a text asking how am I feeling. I will never hear his voice whispering when he is inside me. And he was the one for me. The one I really would have accepted in all his sides. 

I’m broken again. I love him and he will never feel the way I feel. 

Goodbye. 

B. 

Let’s Hurt Tonight

Tell me all of the things that you couldn’t before

Don’t walk away, don’t roll your eyes

They say love is pain, well darling, let’s hurt tonight. 

Has been almost a week and I still didn’t hear anything from him. I didn’t write him either cause I thought I had to wait and see. And what I’m seeing is not what I was hoping for. 

I wanted to tell him, or at least let him read it. Show him this blog and a letter I wrote. But is it worth it? I’m broken already, he just gonna walk over me. 

I hate myself, my thoughts, my fucking idea of him. Nothing is like I lived it. Nothing. 

And I feel so empty right now. 

B. 

So pick me. Choose me. Love me.

I’ve got this quote stuck in my head. I just want to stop thinking of him. It’s so painful. 

I met him for a coffee on Saturday. I never felt so nervous sitting at the same table. We started chit chatting of normal stuff then he said to me that he met his ex and while they were speaking he told her what I said to him (why someone cheat), but I never told him that I cheated because was with him. Only him. I would have not done it even with Bradley Cooper. And then he said to her that I was mad cause she had him that way and didn’t understand anything of him. Those were my actual words. And he didn’t understand them. He didn’t get that all I meant. How much I care about him, what I would have done if I was so lucky to be with him. But no. I think he thought that I said that just to make him feel better. How did she not get that either? 

I don’t know if laugh or cry. 

B.