Letter to D.

I’m sorry to write to you I don’t even want an answer. I just need to talk. The days go by and I’m ok. I’ve got a good job, you would like my Gm is very similar to you, calm and kind. The place is nice and kitchen as usual are a lot of retards. Just the other morning I took a new booking for HB went thru to let them know and they started shouting the usual “No respect for my job” and bla bla bla. I smile and walked away. They had 3 ppl booked for dinner. In total they made 9 and still complaining about it after service lol but apart from that is all good. Then a few times a week I work in a bar just for some extra cash and it’s fine. I’m taking those strong medications for psoriasis and I’m completely clean. Literally. Not loosing pieces everywhere anymore. They have lots of side effects, my antibodies are really really low and I don’t sleep much (and few other ugly things I won’t tell you). Some days are easy some days are not. I did tell you I don’t feel home anywhere and still that’s the case. Somedays I just find myself driving and thinking maybe after that turn eventually Glencoe will appear, that I’ll be wondering around Edinburgh again or have a nice roast with well done Yorkshire puddings at your parents. Our cheese and biscuits dinner and the food shopping late at night. I listen to music and all of them remind me of somewhere or something. It’s harder than I thought. It’s like living in standby. Days going by and me just looking at life from the outside. I haven’t been out with anyone. You set the bar too high and I can’t really feel anything still. I miss too much things and I just ask myself why do I deserve this? Why there was meant to be all that distance? I don’t know. I don’t. When I listen to Imagine Dragons “Next to me” I always picture you. I’m happy if you are happy. I’m happy if you found someone will be able to stand by your side. And I’m sorry I vomited all those words you didn’t ask for, I will try not to bother again but won’t promise I won’t send you another update, you can just bin it if don’t want to read it. I’ll be ok.

Always yours.

B.

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Ye’ll tak’ the high road, and I’ll tak’ the low road

The night is always the hardest time.

My dog is snoring beside me and I’m wide awake.

Images fill my head. Most of them are streets, nature and places. Not people, just feelings. I miss it so much. The colours. The big sky and clouds. The melancholy it made me feel. Don’t get me wrong, I love my home. It’s just that I’m broken. When you travel and live abroad that’s how it works. You just feel it. You don’t belong anywhere but everywhere. And nowhere is how you felt home before you started.

Friday night I left home like a gipsy. Guess what? I met him. He is loosing more hair, was wearing a stupid jeans and sheep jacket and he still was the most beautiful thing for miles. I behaved. I stayed in my corner. Got an hello. Happy days. Not.

I just feel so empty.

B.

WTAF

I know guys. Sorry. I’m so boring lately. I’ve got nothing new to say. Literally nothing is happening in my life. Nothing. Zero. I changed job and it’s ok, easy peasy. I am so alone right now it’s crazy.

I need a good shag. I deserve it. Honestly. The last mediocre 15 min was the 12th August. 7 months and 12 days. The last good one was 15 months ago. 15. FIFTEEN. My fucking Jeez. What. I feel like crying right now. Virgin Again. Life is brutal. No one should deserve this. But again. I don’t want to get involve with anyone. I don’t want even to speak, actually especially not to speak. No brain fucking please. That’s why I want someone really hot. I have never been a “looking just at the look person”, but now.. that’s all I want. Like if I have physical attraction will be much easier not to feel the need of talking. God. Help.

B.

Vulnerability

“Vulnerability is the essence of romance. It’s the art of being uncalculated, the willingness to look foolish, the courage to say, ‘This is me, and I’m interested in you enough to show you my flaws with the hope that you may embrace me for all that I am but, more important, all that I am not.'”

AplusK

Vulnerability. What’s that?

Days pass by and I just need some kind of contact. I don’t want anyone that fucks with my brain. I just want not to think. I already gave up my vulnerability and I got it back.

I downloaded Tinder, but to I am embarrass to actually set it up and use it. Some days I just wish I was living in a big city. I know everyone here and I don’t have any physical attraction to anyone.

If I was a boy I would say “Hard days”.

B.

Cunt – Rant

I always been a romantic. Always. Always dreamed about the fucking happy ending, about things going well. But I always been wrong.

My ex emailed me about my stuff still at his house (even if 2 months ago I asked him to give it all to charity) and then he started about him never cheating on me and bla bla bla. A friend told me today she found out at work he was with someone and then with another. Fucking cheating bastard. So yeah. I done it. I vomit all over him all the fucking things I had in my head. All of it. There was more fucks than words.

I just want apathy. I want to be able to sleep at night and don’t give a fuck about anyone.

B.

Demons

I want to hide the truth

I want to shelter you

Well guys, I was at really boring birthday party last night and all I could do was looking outside the window. I literally had nobody to talk to. Anyway I saw a face i new outside the next door pub. He was one of his friends. I could feel warm inside, that was hope. I saw his car passing by, then again looking for a parking. I joined the smokers outside and waited. I could recognise his way of walking anywhere. I saw him in the distance and waited. He got there and started scanning the crowd, saw me and mouthed a “Hello”. I smiled back. He went inside. His face was pale, looked like shit. Big eye bags. Dressed in total black.

That’s it.

My friend said to me last week “You want to see him cause you feel better and want to show off, show him you don’t need him”. She was wrong. I wanted to see him cause I miss him, cause even if I hate all the situation I’m sad to see him looking like shit cause his new gf moved abroad. Cause again, for the hundred million times, he comes before me. Wrong, I know.

B.

I don’t know why I like you but I do

You are in the DNA between the molecules

The more Valentine’s Day approaches the more I feel weird. It’s not because of the thought of love and bla bla bla, it’s because that was the night we got together. It’s so weird. I would love to say I never think about him, I would love that it was real. But no. I do. I do miss him every fucking day. I haven’t seen him in over a month.

I got a new haircut and I finally found a job. Life is getting better but there is still something missing.

God. I need sex. I need physical contact. I need someone that fucks my brain. How much I miss that. That’s the best warm up.

Oh yeah. I met my ex BFF. It was lovely. We said “Hi” without even looking at each other’s face. Wonderful. #sarcasticmuch

B.