Goodbye, Apathy

What is your vice? You know that mine is the illusion. 

My memories are fading away. I went to get some agopuncture done on Saturday, I was there alone in silence with some relaxing music and all I could think of was nothing. I couldn’t even remember his face. I was sad and crying without knowing even how did he look like. I know it’s good. That my head is doing something to getting me back on truck but it’s still damn hard. 

I got my hair done and put on a nice black see- through blouse and a skirt with really high hills. I went to the usual bar where we go and met my friends, I was in the mood for a g&t. At my third sip he and his girlfriend appeared. It was like a cold shower. I managed to slightly move and give them my back. I couldn’t look at that. Not again. Not for the third fucking time. I wanted to be the one that makes him happy. Their friends (once mine too) eventually appeared. Only one of them still treats me the same way. He came and gave me a big bear hug. And while I turned he looked at me. Did he see what he left? Did he realised how empty I feel? Apathy. Mixed with only a few drops of sadness. I’m a mess. I still had to pretend it’s all good, my friend knew I was lying. He gave me a sorry look when I told him everything was great. I don’t have nothing left. 

B. 

Advertisements

Hurry up, we’re dreaming

Allko I think about when this song starts is Nick & Jess. I can just picture that scene of realising that they are meant to be together and that’s it. I have this song in my running playlist. My head is not working lately.

Sunday morning I woke up, open Instagram and the first thing that popped up was a picture of him with his new girlfriend, hugging in a vineyard. I could feel the little bit of hope leaving my body. I’m empty. That’s all I can say. I cry and I don’t feel anything. No light at the end of the tunnel. Just emptiness inside and outside. No smile. No concertration. Nothing. I just don’t feel nothing. Why? I wanted to be there. I wanted to be the one hugging him. I wanted to taste the wine and then sleep together. But I was alone in my room crying my eyes out. 

I never feel and I will never feel love again. Other people don’t understand. I might be able to accept someone else, to get comfortable, but it would never be the same. 

I haven’t been answering to my friend, or the one that was so. I hoped he would have read here, that would have get it all but he didn’t. Someone told me that’s what he does, get close to someone and then leave them. I wouldn’t believe it. I have no love and I lost one of the people I trusted. I just needed him to stand up for me and by my side. I just needed to hear that I would have been better. 

Bella with no hope. 

Love is a Dog from Hell.

I haven’t seen him in almost two months. And the last time I done my best to not even look in his direction. Time passes and I still feel emptiness and apathy. I wake up, work, talk, go out and nothing. I’m lucky that I have amazing friends. 
Today sitting by the lake my friend told me she heard last night he will be moving down under with his new girlfriend. I knew that was gonna happen. I still wasn’t ready for it. I have just a few spare tears and lots of sadness. I had a hope inside me that he will eventually come back and now I just see it disappear. I don’t even feel heartbroken, I don’t feel a heart at all. 

I just want to wake up to one of his text asking how I am, go back in time to a happy day. I just want him to give me a chance, move down under, to China, to fucking Siberia. Anywhere. 

He went to Japan with my best friend also his. Well at least that’s who I thought he was. But at the end he just preferred to be his best friend. I hoped he would stand by me, that he would have said a word. I was wrong. I’m always wrong. 

B. 

Machines

I heard that when nothing goes right goes left. I’m not so sure. 

I feel sick to the bones. 

I sent a message to the last guy I’ve been with. I just needed to get some stuff out of my system. I told him I was sorry for how I acted, but I was scared of him and also of what he was feeling. That the words he said to me, I said before to someone else and I didn’t want to hurt him like I’ve been. He didn’t reply and stopped wave at me when we meet in the morning in the traffic. I meet him in the street last night and he didn’t even look at me. I just keep getting broken up. Why me? Why always me? Too bad I was tipsy. I messaged him. He text me back today saying I treated him like crap, that I should think about it and that he got a new girlfriend now. Has been just over three weeks. He told me he was falling in love with me, he said he had better moments with me in few months that in 9 years of relationships. I feel so cold. 

But that’s not all. 

My BFF is back. We haven’t seen each other in few months, been talking about meeting up for ages. So I was really excited just to get a hug. I finished work, showered and went for a walk. He was out with the other one and didn’t want to see me. I do get it’s an awkward position, but I’m almost 30 and polite. I would have just say hi. He knows the other girl he is shagging just now. I said to not make friends too much. I wouldn’t have stand the idea of my best friend approving her more than me. But it’s pretty clear that things are just not the way I wished they should be. 

I hate life tonight. 

Fusilli with Mushrooms Sauce.

I didn’t feel like writing for long time. I almost forgot about him, about life even about the pain. 

But today I’m feeling it deep down, thorough my bones.

I just saw a post on Facebook from his friends, cause he ditched them. 

So I didn’t update in so long that you don’t know what happened. 

I told you about the sex I had with that new guy, well wasn’t my plan to keep doing it, but was taking away my head from the rest.  Then the situations changed. I’ve always been honest with him. I told him I had a boyfriend and wasn’t looking for nothing but life is a bitch and he started have feelings. I didn’t want to hurt him. He was a nice guy. So had to cut it. 

The other one, well he said bad things about me to his friends, he avoided me completely and then one night I saw it. We were at the same bar, I saw how he was talking to her. I saw how he was laughing. I saw the “involuntary” touches. I saw how he has been with me. I knew it. I knew was her. The funny part is that he always said he didn’t like her, too tighten up. I felt helpless: things never change. She is very beautiful. And again the plain kind he goes for. The one he can show off at concert and with his friends. The one that is not me. 

I just feel the tears streaming down my cheeks. 

He ditched his friends cause has been her birthday. He probably took her somewhere nice. Cause is not ashamed of her like he was of me. Cause I never been enough. 

I wish it was me. I wish I was happy as when he made me lunch after a good morning of sex. Fusilli with Mushrooms Sauce. I can’t even buy the same pasta brand. It was even my favourite. 

One day I’ll be happy with myself again. 

B. 

Happy you’re gone

This melody will fade away and die..

Just for today, breath me and say goodbye 

I had sex last night. Empty, soulless sex. 

I don’t know why I done it, it just kind of happen. I meet this guy a few months ago and he was a charmer. Didn’t see him until a few weeks ago, I was drunk and talked some nonsense to his friend about sex with no attachment. He had me on Fb and started message me, we chit chat a little but nothing serious. He started ask me out and I kept finding excuses. Until last night, I felt alone and bored and sad. I needed a distraction. 

He showed up, taller than me, dark hair and eyes with a growing beard with a box of strawberries and a bottle of red. 

We started chatting and found out we have many things in common, many people we know and that we even had the same teacher and that one of my biggest teenager crush is his best friend. We talked about love, work and future. Then he asked me about my boyfriend, if he knew about me being there with him. I told him no and that I was not planning to tell him. And then he kissed me, slowly. I didn’t feel any butterflies, I didn’t feel warm between my legs. I didn’t feel anything. I don’t know why I accepted to keep going and moved to my room. I was just in need of someone to take care of me. We played around and then he was in me. Nothing special, I kept my eyes closed the all time. I was dreaming of him being someone else, but he wasn’t. I could feel it. Nothing was the same. I’m not on birth control and I told him a few times, he still forgot. This morning I went to get a day after pill. Almost thirty and was my first time being so stupid with someone I don’t even know the last name. Great. 

I miss him so much, this stupid nonsense sex just reminded me how much I need him, how much I want to feel his lips on mine and his hands on me. Why I can’t? Why? 

B. 

Why do I miss you?

Why am I feeling like this? Why can’t I just stop thinking? I just want to sleep more than 20 minutes at the time. 
Friday. 

I got to the bar, sitting, having a drink with the girls, I felt a shadow behind him and just looked at the back of his head. 

Saturday. 

I got in the bar, he went outside, got my drink went outside and he got back in, I got in and he went out again. 

Sunday. 

I was standing at the bar with my friends and he just looked at me with sufficiency. I had to fight the tears from coming down. I got home and I texted him, to please pass by. I just needed to know he was alright and was feeling better but he got back to me saying he was going home. Lies. Always lies. He last accessed WA at 3 am. He was out banging someone else. I know it. I could feel it. I hate life. So I blocked him everywhere and then texted him. I told him I was in bed hating myself while he was outside happily shagging. I thought I had no more tears but I was wrong. That the only thing that matter to me was his happiness. 

He’ll never get it. He could have take anything from me. I just wanted him to be happy. I wanted to make him happy. I hate life. 

B.