Do I wanna know?

Ever thought of calling when you’ve had a few?

After 4 days C. decided to answer me. I didn’t expect any or actually wanted any. I was already focused on the fact that that was it. It was brief. Said something about my interviews and than that the girl was only recent, that he meant for dinner. That he was sorry he was dead when I was over and felt bad he was ko when I couldn’t sleep.

I don’t know. I’ve got nothing to answer to that tbh. I don’t understand why he felt like explaining when I’m clearly nobody for him. It was just dinner? Yeah, sure. I believe that. 😂 I don’t believe a word anymore. I’m too tired. I can’t coop with this nonsense.

B.

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Hold it down

I’m looking for answers, but lost in my head
Now I reach into darkness and take what I get..

“I don’t get why anyone should be embarrassed” – that’s a message he sent me.

Sorry, I just don’t get how should I act now.

I told you how I was feeling, you told me you are seeing someone, that you don’t like me and should I still act like it’s all good?

On Thursday night I couldn’t sleep at all. I had an interview on Friday morning with a brain that wasn’t functioning. I was really sad and than luckily for me apathy kicked in.

I spent the last months believing that your life was really hell. Accepting that and just waiting for you to find the time to get back to me. I saw you few weeks ago, so pale and tired and really thought it was all true. Now I don’t know if I believe that, maybe you were just back from a wild night.

I was talking to my brother and all he said to me was that when someone wants to talk to you, they pick up their phone. That there is no way on earth that in 24h you couldn’t find 2 min even sitting on a toilet to get back to me. He told me I was just accepting your game and that was something pretty immature cause there is nothing wrong in being honest.

I have plenty of guy friends. I love them. I talk with them about all kind of things. I’m happy when they meet someone they like. I don’t sleep with them and I don’t feel like I want to be their someone, I’m there for them when they need me but I don’t want to be the one their support for even the little things. I don’t think of how nice would be to wake up beside them or what a good team we could be together. I honestly can’t be more clear than this and trust me this is already costing me a lot. So I’m sorry. I don’t want to be your friend but I wish you all the best.

B.

Ps the other interview went well. I’m going to London for the second one next week.

Rocket Man

…and I think it’s gonna be a long long time.

When I hear this song all I picture in my head is myself in C’s bed while he is taking a shower and Elton voice exploding in the all house through the sound system.

Guess it’s time I stop listening to it. Finally we have some clarity. Guess that’s all I wanted apart from knowing him better.

So on Friday I told him if I moved to London I maybe would have asked him out. It took him 4 days to answer me and said something like “oh yeah this girl asked me out the other day”. I genuinely hoped he was talking about me, so I asked if he was being sarcastic or there was another girl. There was no sarcasm. Well, it wasn’t that she asked him out, he actually went out with her.

I felt sick and I’m not even being dramatic. We started speaking in July and not once he mentioned anyone.

I really thought we could have been like Harry and Sally. I don’t know why I even think sometimes.

I got another interview for fucking London tomorrow. Was I moving for him? No, but he was making everything much more appealing.

I’m broken again.

B.

Should I stay or should I go?

A good reference helped me get an interview in London. Would I do it for myself or because of my feelings for C.? I don’t know, I’m a bloody Sagittarius, a stupid dreamer.

Before you think “Wtf”, he said to me a few times if I couldn’t picture myself working in the city and while at the beginning I did say no, then I changed my mind and he is fully aware of it and of the interview.

But I need to know if we can become something or not, so I asked and now I’m waiting for an answer. When you expose your heart so much is scary, especially when has been broken and put back together a few times.

I’m not sure I can take it if it’s a no.

B.

Days like this

When it’s not always raining there’ll be days like this
When there’s no one complaining there’ll be days like this
When everything falls into place like the flick of a switch
Well my mama told me there’ll be days like this

When someone says Paris is a romantic city is just because he or she never experienced a break in London with the right person.

I went today for a day trip. I don’t live too far from there, I had family over from Us and they wanted to see another capital. So we went for it. I texted C. telling him I was coming to the city. I didn’t have many hopes tbh to see him, has he didn’t text me back in 5 days, last week and I was really worried it was all over. Believe it or not he showed up. We spent an hour together having some coffee. Nothing happened, we even didn’t kiss but he is not for public affection, so I’m not really that surprised about it. We just hug. And was nice. Was home. We talked about the usual things. It felt like I never left. We didn’t touch any real argument. I think from that point of view we are really similar. I can’t explain how I feel unless I’m writing it. I can’t wait to see him again. I miss him already so much.

B.

Budapest

Give me one good reason.

My heart was aching. I woke up at 5:30 and literally my heart was aching. I could feel it beating really fast. I couldn’t breathe. I was crying.

I dreamt I went to his house and there was full of people from his work and he wouldn’t talk to me. He didn’t say a word and I just left.

I feel so empty. I see only grey. I miss talking to him so much. I want to tickle his face and kiss those lips again. I want to look into his beautiful almond eyes and feel his muscled body against my back. And I won’t get anything.

I’ve been left on read for the last three days. Guess the answer is really clear.

I had so much love to give.

B.

Us

So tell me how to be in this world
Tell me how to breathe in and feel no hurt
Tell me how ’cause I believe in something
I believe in us

I thought there was something. I liked you, I just wanted to know you better and see. Well I hoped you wanted to know me better too, but it’s unbelievable how always wrong I am.

I liked your sense of humour and how sarcastic you are, you are so charismatic is mesmerising. I felt home with you as I haven’t felt in so long time. I liked to tickle your face because was just so beautiful I needed to have a good memory of it.

I was really hoping it wouldn’t have ended after I was back home and I mean even those daily 5 minutes of messages, but they started been less and less and I’ve been trying to see you but with no results. Guess it’s really self explanatory, but I don’t want to follow a ghost. I need someone that likes me as I am. I just wish I was wrong. I’ll really really really miss you.

B.