The night is always the hardest time.
My dog is snoring beside me and I’m wide awake.
Images fill my head. Most of them are streets, nature and places. Not people, just feelings. I miss it so much. The colours. The big sky and clouds. The melancholy it made me feel. Don’t get me wrong, I love my home. It’s just that I’m broken. When you travel and live abroad that’s how it works. You just feel it. You don’t belong anywhere but everywhere. And nowhere is how you felt home before you started.
Friday night I left home like a gipsy. Guess what? I met him. He is loosing more hair, was wearing a stupid jeans and sheep jacket and he still was the most beautiful thing for miles. I behaved. I stayed in my corner. Got an hello. Happy days. Not.
I just feel so empty.
I know guys. Sorry. I’m so boring lately. I’ve got nothing new to say. Literally nothing is happening in my life. Nothing. Zero. I changed job and it’s ok, easy peasy. I am so alone right now it’s crazy.
I need a good shag. I deserve it. Honestly. The last mediocre 15 min was the 12th August. 7 months and 12 days. The last good one was 15 months ago. 15. FIFTEEN. My fucking Jeez. What. I feel like crying right now. Virgin Again. Life is brutal. No one should deserve this. But again. I don’t want to get involve with anyone. I don’t want even to speak, actually especially not to speak. No brain fucking please. That’s why I want someone really hot. I have never been a “looking just at the look person”, but now.. that’s all I want. Like if I have physical attraction will be much easier not to feel the need of talking. God. Help.
“Vulnerability is the essence of romance. It’s the art of being uncalculated, the willingness to look foolish, the courage to say, ‘This is me, and I’m interested in you enough to show you my flaws with the hope that you may embrace me for all that I am but, more important, all that I am not.'”
Vulnerability. What’s that?
Days pass by and I just need some kind of contact. I don’t want anyone that fucks with my brain. I just want not to think. I already gave up my vulnerability and I got it back.
I downloaded Tinder, but to I am embarrass to actually set it up and use it. Some days I just wish I was living in a big city. I know everyone here and I don’t have any physical attraction to anyone.
If I was a boy I would say “Hard days”.
I always been a romantic. Always. Always dreamed about the fucking happy ending, about things going well. But I always been wrong.
My ex emailed me about my stuff still at his house (even if 2 months ago I asked him to give it all to charity) and then he started about him never cheating on me and bla bla bla. A friend told me today she found out at work he was with someone and then with another. Fucking cheating bastard. So yeah. I done it. I vomit all over him all the fucking things I had in my head. All of it. There was more fucks than words.
I just want apathy. I want to be able to sleep at night and don’t give a fuck about anyone.
I want to hide the truth
I want to shelter you
Well guys, I was at really boring birthday party last night and all I could do was looking outside the window. I literally had nobody to talk to. Anyway I saw a face i new outside the next door pub. He was one of his friends. I could feel warm inside, that was hope. I saw his car passing by, then again looking for a parking. I joined the smokers outside and waited. I could recognise his way of walking anywhere. I saw him in the distance and waited. He got there and started scanning the crowd, saw me and mouthed a “Hello”. I smiled back. He went inside. His face was pale, looked like shit. Big eye bags. Dressed in total black.
My friend said to me last week “You want to see him cause you feel better and want to show off, show him you don’t need him”. She was wrong. I wanted to see him cause I miss him, cause even if I hate all the situation I’m sad to see him looking like shit cause his new gf moved abroad. Cause again, for the hundred million times, he comes before me. Wrong, I know.
You are in the DNA between the molecules
The more Valentine’s Day approaches the more I feel weird. It’s not because of the thought of love and bla bla bla, it’s because that was the night we got together. It’s so weird. I would love to say I never think about him, I would love that it was real. But no. I do. I do miss him every fucking day. I haven’t seen him in over a month.
I got a new haircut and I finally found a job. Life is getting better but there is still something missing.
God. I need sex. I need physical contact. I need someone that fucks my brain. How much I miss that. That’s the best warm up.
Oh yeah. I met my ex BFF. It was lovely. We said “Hi” without even looking at each other’s face. Wonderful. #sarcasticmuch
On sleepless roads the sleepless go.
There is not a single aspect in my life that goes well. Today I found out my ex boyfriend is talking to someone and this broke me even more. I don’t know why. I know I should be so sad and selfish. I should be ok with him finding a better love than me but I can’t.
I’m so broken. I cried all day. He had been my only real boyfriend. He has been the only one that truly loved me and accepted me and tried to stay with me. I know I never truly appreciated him, I always had that cunt in the back of my head, but he was good and it’s all my fault our relationship is over. We broke up a month ago and I thought we would have ended up together. This has been a slap in the face.
I want to be alone forever. Love hurts. I’m never enough. I don’t want to meet anyone else ever again. I don’t want to let anyone in. I don’t want it. I don’t deserve always this pain.
This was our song.