Just like Heaven

Why are you so far away she said

So what is the point of telling me you would have been home alone tonight if then you don’t phone me?

Seriously. There is no need to tell me. I’m fine in my corner. I’m fine finishing work and going for a walk, sitting down having a beer in the garden and having dinner while I video chat my parents or one of my friends.

I don’t need to know that you are home alone because then I think that you would phone me. So I check my phone. So I go for a walk and take my work phone. Then I sit in the garden with my work phone. I check that the sound is on at least twice. I cook and bring the work phone to the kitchen. Yes, I had a shower and brought the work phone to the bathroom. So yes, you’ve been an arse.

And the worst part is that I could bet on the fact that you had your phone in your hand and thought about doing it at least a few times. I know for a fact that if you had some solo time I was there keeping you company anyway.

You said you were observing me working today, how good I was. I know that’s a turn on for you. I know it. As simple as that.

That wasn’t fair.

B.

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Walls

All around your island
There’s a barricade
It keeps out the danger
It holds in the pain
Sometimes you’re happy
Sometimes you cry

The all week was weird and fine at the same time.

Monday you replied with a cheeky joke so I thought it was all good. Tuesday you were too busy, but then Wednesday did you really need my help for that stupid computer little job? No, not really. And then you got that message and your face changed. I knew there was something work related that was not ok. When we were leaving the office and you said “Wait” I really just wanted to turn around and give you a hug. You needed a hug. Nothing sexual just a simple “You’ve got this”. And I needed it too, I just felt that way. Thursday I told you I was there if you needed anything and then you phoned me to say that there was nothing personal against me, too many problems at work. I knew that. You said to me again to be transparent. What more do I have to be transparent about? Don’t understand. I didn’t feel ignored or anything. I knew you had something important on your plate. Simple. I didn’t came in early today because I thought you were meant to finish late. I wanted to be able to sit down in peace and quiet for ten minutes and have a piece of chocolate. Well turns out you left early and I only had the chocolate left.

Then I found out that I’ve been posting photos on our shared folder for a couple of weeks and you didn’t even give a fuck about it. Like seriously. I’ve been transparent. I was myself. And you said to put up the pictures cause you liked the idea and then didn’t even looked at them. I just felt so stupid. Like so so so stupid. You phoned and I just looked at the screen. I did not want to talk to you in that moment. I don’t even want to do it now. I just want my walls back up, not even in a friendly way. I hated feeling like that.

B.

Have you ever seen the rain?

“Have you ever seen the rain coming down on a sunny day?”

I can’t sleep. Thank you very much. That phone call freaked me out.

So at 15:17 you wanted to see my panties, at 15:37 you said you don’t want me. You vomited words on me for half an hour.

I know you have a life. I know how much you have to lose. I know there is not going to be an happy ending. I don’t want anyone to suffer. Them, you, me. No one. I like you, yes. I love you, no. The way you look at me is so intense. Like “I can see what you are feeling” intense. You don’t need to tell me what you want to do to me. It’s pretty clear.

I’m not delusional. I always try to find a bright side because life sucks enough as it is. The idea of you picturing me like that was disappointing.

Kissing is part of sex. It’s not me being romantic. It’s the glue for the all thing. I liked kissing you. It was natural. I needed to kiss you because I would have felt the need you had of me. Last week there was passion, yesterday that was not there. I did not try to kiss you just because I wanted to prove a point. I can do it, but is not even close to how good it could have been. We had two months of fore playing for 5 minutes in a broken shower. And no it’s not the lasting the problem, there was just something missing. It was not worth it. I like sex. I don’t feel like an object. I like doggy style, again it’s a power thing. I wanted to give you pleasure, I wish I could have done it my way. End of it.

You said so many things and some of them were kind of hurtful. You said you wouldn’t sleep with my colleague because she is married. Guess that makes me an awful human being. “Go have sex with someone else this weekend and use a condom. Actually if that happens please don’t tell me.” WTF. You asked me when I had sex the last time. I said a month. You wanna know the truth? I met that guy online. He was a really nice guy. We went out a few times just because I was trying not to put myself in this crap.

“You should keep in your bag a list of the things I do to you. Actually maybe you shouldn’t do that.” WTF. Seriously. What. The. Actual. Fuck.

Maybe it’s more complicated than I thought. Maybe you are more confused than you should be. Maybe is just more than my pussy being so tight. Maybe is just more than “I love fucking you”. Maybe I am not the one that is falling. Maybe you should stop projecting on me all the things you are feeling: the bad one and the good ones. I’m not a slut for sleeping with you and also you like me as a person. The night we had dinner it was you being you again. There was connection. There was chemistry.

Again you hurt me when you said “You’ve done this before” like I am a pro at it. I survived 3 girlfriends. Not one. Three. I was never skinny enough or beautiful enough to be the one brought in public. I loved him. I would have done anything for him. You see his ex girlfriends are all misogynistic, muscly but still he came to me and not just for the sex, we talked. Always. All the time. I would have accepted him as he was. Am I proud of it? No. Do I need to justify my past? No. It takes two to tango.

I don’t agree with your “I need to get fit for my wife” nonsense. You are attractive and charming. You have those cheeky eyes. You have a beautiful smile. And then you have brain, your no sarcasm sarcastic policy, that cracks me up. So no, that’s bullshit. It’s not a few extra kg that make the difference. I have way to many extra kg and I’m pretty sure you were hard without me even touching you. Oh yeah, I was pretty wet just hearing you talking too.

I believe in the universe, in things happening for a reason. Yes. I wish I would have met you before you picked a life. It would have been much easier. But it’s ok, you are fine, I am fine. Nothing has to happen again. – and while I am writing this I know it’s a lie, because while you spent your days off been the perfect family man, the rest of the time you tortured yourself trying to figure out what to do. I reckon by Wednesday we will be going back to where we left it. Or probably that’s just what I would like.

You have this idea of me like a seductive person, that knows what is doing and know how to play people. I know how to be at work, I know how to be professional. I’m an absolute disaster with everything else. When I don’t talk it’s simply because I’m too shy to say what I’ve got in my head. I’ve been transparent with you more than you think. I’ve been myself. I had to keep something just because of your life. You got a lot to lose, at the same time I don’t want to lose myself.

I can give you this you were right with I don’t enjoy not being able to talk to you after working hours. I don’t. That night phone call was a lot to take in. So yes, I would love that to happen again but I came to terms with the fact that it’s unlikely.

You said you like the photos folder and at the same time never added anything to it. I just wanted to keep adding things because I’ve got the feeling that you would have kept checking it, but then what’s the point really?

B.

Sunrise

“Will the sun rise in our lifetime?
How’d you survive without losing your mind?“

Today my brain is not planning on going in standby.

So the day before yesterday I found out my ex is going to be a daddy. A daddy. We were together for 5 years, every time the family topic came up I always said “Thanks but no thanks”. Now he is getting what he wanted. My friend video called me to tell me and she was so scared off reaction she was pale. No tears. Nothing. I felt nothing. All I could think of was “The day that A. will have a baby, that will be a difficult one to swallow.” I know that will happen so enough to. Fun fact, I haven’t seen him for months and months (ok, I moved away but even before I didn’t see him for ages). Last night he showed up with his gf at the bar. He has boobies (this is not body shame – it was just weird because he has always been a crazy freak about been skinny). They went to sit at the back with the rest of the group. When they left he didn’t say hi, we just stared at each other. He didn’t smile, he just looked at me.

And then I was walking home and passed by the park. Here there was a little boy looking so much like my nephew. I stopped and looked at him. He was so happy. I started crying. I wish my nephew’s life was like that. Easy. Happy. I wish my brother could be there for him, for all the milestones. He missed everything. He will miss them all. I just want him to be healthy and for them to together like a family should.

Where do I stand at this point? I’m having thoughts about someone I shouldn’t. I feel things I shouldn’t. Why can I never have it easy? Why can I just not like someone that actually likes me, have a future and end it there?

I just feel like crying. Or I might already been crying.

B.

Tamacun

I’m not sure of what’s going on here.

I was super confused on Wednesday. First no words for three days (the joys of the days off), then on Monday haven’t heard anything all day again, Tuesday I don’t really think that was the need of me measuring anything when you already got all the plans on the computer, then those messages about have a good holiday. Wednesday I was back at peace tbh. I do have an armour, nice and thick. I don’t want you to know me too much underneath that, because when you’ll get bored of me and realise that your normal married life is fine. That will hurt. I already know that. I was standing there and all I wanted was to touch you. Being able to touch you. I’m not good at that. I’m a hugger, but again I don’t do that with everyone. And when you were standing there I just wanted to put a hand on your arm, nothing crazy just feel how does that actually feel. I told you about the shared folder and I really hoped you would have took part too, I kind of feel stupid just doing it myself.

Anyway. The days are going by. I dreamt of you last night and it was simple. We were in the office and you were touching my thighs but kind of innocently and then when no one could see you kissed my neck. I woke up in a state. As usual. I woke up thinking how bad this is. How bad I am. How wrong all this situation is. How much I don’t want to hurt anyone, myself included. Would have I met you 10 years ago would have this happen? Would you have looked at me? Probably not. Funny enough I would have not either: my cup of tea were and are sociopaths with Vans and checked shirt. Preferably musicians or kind of artsy. Actually let’s be honest with musicians I mean guitarist or something like that – you know, good with their hands.

I am not even sure what I am trying to say here. I like you and I don’t like myself for that. I don’t like the fact that I stare at my phone hoping that I’ll get a message. I don’t like the fact that Carpe Diem is such an abstract concept especially if you think about the rest of that “quam minimum credula postero”. I want to see you. I want to tidy the archive. And I don’t want to get hurt.

And I also want this melody as soundtrack. Because just the thought of it..

B.

A sense of symmetry

Saturday 29.06 – 3 days after our encounter.

I love Einaudi. First time I heard “I Giorni” I was working in Scotland, barely spoke English and I approached the pianist at work and asked her what she was playing. Her accent was so strong I couldn’t understand her, she had to write it in paper. I was sitting on the beach yesterday and I started listening to him and then “A sense of symmetry” came up. I spent the last two months trying to understand how I was i feeling – yes, at least two months, because when I went home I told my friends I had a crush on a married man that probably uses a fanny pack – and I guess those are the words I was looking for to explain it to myself. This is why most of the times I don’t have to explain myself to you and you don’t have to do it with me.

I told you I don’t lie when I care, so yes this is terrifying for me. I don’t like to be exposed and I don’t like to be transparent because every time I get out of it broken and here I already know it’s a dead end. At the same time I feel like I want to give you what you are missing and I want to see you smile like when we had dinner. It just felt like you being yourself and it was nice. You know when you kiss someone for the first time and it’s always a little awkward, but I felt like I done it before. Like I kissed you before. Like it was right. You said all those things to me about how you were feeling and then when we were there pretty exposed you barely looked at me. Yes, that was confusing. Was my butt not looking good as you thought it would have? Probably. Were you already regretting the fact that I didn’t put my tights back on after the bath and went home? I don’t know. I try not to overthink but I’m a natural professional graduated overthinker. I analyse everything. Details. But you already knew that. And I know you are too. I don’t want to think about tomorrow. I want here and now. See? I can express myself, just not in actual vocal words. Now let’s talk about serious things. Are you really into bunny tails?

More than words

“How easy it would be to show me how you feel.. More than words is all you have to do to make it real“

I haven’t been writing for some time. I just didn’t feel like it. I usually write when I’m broken and I’ve got the gut feeling that we are pretty close to that again. And I’m not usually wrong. This time I decided to go full in, what could be even more complicated than the typical sociopath I fall for? Well, a married man. A married man with kids. A married man with kids that is also one of your bosses. Great job Bella. Definitely this is gonna go well. Definitely not. He doesn’t smile much, but when he does his face lights up and.. it’s nice. Has this bad humour that you know I just love. Everything was just so simple. We are extremely similar, in so many ways. It was all fine, we were really friendly, like innocent and work related jokes. And then one day I was off and started messaging my colleague that was in the office with him. She is way older than me and spotted me having a crush at least a couple of weeks before, but didn’t tell me anything apart from one day saying “Would you go with J?” and well my answer was “If he wasn’t married I would have already gone with him”. I love the fact the we can openly talk about sex, like no boundaries with her. From that point of view she is so inspirational, I want to get to her age and still be like her. Active and open to the unknown. Anyway, I was in a sexy shop and we started texting about it. And she started giving away little details just to see if he was interested. And seemed like he was. We met the following day and I just couldn’t stop laughing, I think he was pretty aroused by the thought of me having bought naughty stuff – although it wasn’t true, not that time at least. We just kept looking at each other’s eyes, neither of us wanting to look away. We had so many of those eyes fights.

One night we worked late and ended up having some dinner. It felt like a first date minus the awkwardness. It was just nice and fun. I liked listening to his stories. He was so himself. He just was. I could feel it. I don’t know how to explain this. I could feel him thinking, looking at me. I just know it. It’s all just so intense. Guess that’s what chemistry feels like. When was time to go he said to me “Trust me if I say I didn’t want this night to end but we have to draw lines.” I agreed with that. I really did understand. I have nothing. He has everything. I could just loose myself (and that’s painful enough). We were in the lift and all I wanted for him to kiss me but I know was wrong so I just stayed in my corner.

A few nights after he phoned me. It was late, his wife was not home. The conversation started kind of normal and then turned to the opposite side. It was deep and personal and passionate. He was himself. He told me things no one ever said to me before. How I made him feel. What he wanted to do to me. It was so turned on I could have literally walked to his house. And he was too. I really wish I could be more vocal.

When we met after the phone call he said to me if being number two was really what I wanted. I didn’t answer. I hate it. I hate it because I could be an amazing number one, but I’m always too late, or in the wrong place, or too fat. There is always something.

The next days went on quiet. Small talks. I was sitting beside him and I just wanted to touch his hands. I wanted to kiss him to know how did that feel. But I just sat there.

Then one day work was mad. We ended up staying late but not because we had to because we wanted to. We were entering the office and he said to me “Now you have a bath, then you come back with no tights and no underwear, but keep the shoes.” It was so hot and so confusing at the same time. I wasn’t sure. I didn’t want to be that person. I didn’t. But I was. Because I just wanted him. So bad. It was a physical and mental need. So I did it.

We met back in the office and he said he didn’t want to hurt me, but at that point I already knew it was too late.

B.