Bella in the bachelor’s den

I’m laying in C’s bed wide awake.

I’ve been here since Tuesday, we ended up in bed straight away. I like him. I really do. It’s like that “I feel home” feeling. I just wanna cover him in kisses and have sex all day (and night). I didn’t feel this way in so long. It’s so scary. I leave on Sunday and I don’t even know what it’s going to happen. We’ve been talking for the last 4 months daily and now I’m not sure this will still happen.

Last night I asked him when he was coming to visit me and the answer was “I can’t commit to anything” and that really burned. He has been amazing, showing me everywhere, eating great and drinking. I really wanted him to see the places I’m proud of too. And of course I just wanted to spend more time with him.

I just want this not to end.

B.

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Countdown

11 days until my holiday. All my hopes are gone tbh. I already feel nothing is going to happen. He never showed much interest and this really turned me off. Good. Better now than later!

Feeling like Bridget Jones when she walks in front of Piccadilly’s.

“Days without sex: a billion”

I can’t even see myself being touched by anyone. Physical contact kind of repulses me. I’m not attracted to anyone. I don’t want to meet or talk to anyone.

B.

Castle 3 x 04

“How do you know when you are in love?”

“All the songs make sense”

 

I wish I could say they do, but they don’t.I don’t understand. I must be the weirdest human being on Earth, something really doesn’t work with me.

 

Conversations with C. started become boring and while before was a really long message per day, well became a medium one. And then the hours started stretching. So the day become two. The almost imperceptible naughtyness on his side disappereared. I thought something was going to happen. I thought I was going to enjoy his company and to be honest not just that. I’m such a fuck up.

 

Guess i’ll be featured in the next Guinness World Records book. Biggest Screw Up.

B.

 

 

The rebound

No, don’t get to excited. I did not get any rebound. It’s just the title of the movie I watched.

And I cried. And cried. And cried some more.

I feel cold and lonely. I need love and physical contact and that’s something that scares me so much.

I don’t want to be alone. I want to feel loved and safe. I want something more from life.

I like C. He makes me feel warm inside. Kind of alive. I’m so scared things will change when we meet. I’m terrified he won’t like me while I can’t wait to see him. I want to hug him. And eat pizza on the couch while watching a movie. Walk around the city and visit a museum. I want to take pictures of him. I want to have something nice to remember.

B.

Piece of my heart

But each time I tell myself that I, well I can’t stand the pain But when you hold me in your arms, I’ll sing it once again I’ll say come on, come on, come on, come on and take it

So I was working today,  a couple came to check-in. She phoned this morning letting us know it was going to be his birthday and she wanted to organize something special for her boyfriend.

While he was parking the car we gave her a card to write to accompany the bottle of bubbles to go to the room. She got emotional and started cry. We offered a Kleenex, he came back and they went to the room.

The card just said “Doesn’t matter where you are, it only matter who you are with. I love you”.

Plain and simple. So true. Made my heart cringe. I was in the corridor and could not remember what love felt like. What happiness felt like. What actually feeling something for someone felt like.

B.

The old man and the sea

“He did not say that because he knew that if you said a good thing it might not happen.”

 

Days are passing by but November can’t come quick enough. I have way too many expectations. As usual. Why my mom had to make me such an over thinker?

Guess that is why I write. I just need to let it all out so I can start breath again.

The conversation is pretty still. I tried to add a little bit of spicy cause I would definetely not mind some good old sexting.  Well, guess he is not easy or just doesn’t fancy me. Not big developments  in that department.

On the other hand there is this other guy at work that literally wants some. Honestly. We open up together this morning and was difficult. He is so young. Really cute and funny but God, so so so young. We were chatting up with my other colleague and guess what? He literally shagged everyone. It’s just me and her missing. So, thanks but no thanks. For how much I need a portion, don’t really fancy all that mix up.

So guess I just keep waiting and waiting and waiting.

Life is wonderful. Right?

B.

 

 

Hunger

..and for a moment, I forget to worry.

The weirdest thing happened to me: I slept. A careless deep sleep. The one that you wake up and don’t even remember your name. It was beautiful. It was afternoon, I woke up at 8,30pm, went out. Back to bed and slept until 9 am. Breakfast and then again slept until 12pm. It was unbelievable. I felt new, calm and relaxed.

And this has been happening for almost a month now.

I was driving to work one day and I just had a flashback about my previous life, actually about a guy I met in 2012, when I just moved abroad.

I was working in that place for less than two months, but while I am a disaster with love, I always been pretty good with work. I was almost 23, he was 19 and the owner’ son coming to learn the job. The age gap and the language barrier were not exactly helpful. The fact that I didn’t understood for a few weeks he had a girlfriend wasn’t great either. Actually I felt pretty stupid when my colleague told me. That stupid GM kept making fun of me and spreading rumors. Cow.

But C. and I had a really good connection. He was so smart and fun. We were very different, but I just liked him, maybe because he was the first one that was really nice to me. One day he got me a note, it was nothing special but he wrote something kind of sweet on it, like that to do that job I needed him. When he finished his training he got me a present. It was something so it would be easier for me to talk to my parents cause my computer was going a little crazy. He was just so genuine.

We kept in touch and saw a couple of times for two or three years, but my ex  wasn’t really keen in this friendship, so guess I just let it go.

Well, a moth ago I texted him out of the blue. He came back to my mind and I just wanted to know how he was. We started chatting. It’s just a long message a day, but it’s nice. It’s a long catch up, it’s fun and in some ways makes me feel alive again. I booked a ticket to go visit him but won’t be for another few months. And that scares me a little. What if he finds someone in this time? I don’t want to go there thirdwheeling. I want to go there and see how it goes. I’m worried he won’t like me  phisically or mentally. I’m still worried about the age gap. I’m not really looking for nothing and at the same time I’m scared that if I talk about him out loud he will disappear. It’s a weird feeling.

I still got that note.

B.