Joyless life/2

So I worked on breakfast today. He came with his friend, chatted about work. Left. Added my colleague on Instagram. 🤣 Honestly. ShE came to me and was like “You friend started following me.” WTF is wrong with me? I’m going to ask my brother.

I just feel like crying.

B.

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Joyless life

I was really ready. I done myself a pep talk and I was going for it. I was going to ask him to a concert we both wanted to go that will be in two weeks. I was going to do it tomorrow morning, I was going to make him a cappuccino and tell “Btw I was right, they were doing a summer concert. If you want we could go together”. But that would have been too nice. I open fucking Instagram and here he is liking all the slutty pictures with lovely motivational quotes from the girl across the street: skinny, long brown hair and fake lips. Standard. Literally standard. Why not me? Why not the pic of my dog? Nope. Do not deserve it. Every time I feel like my confidence and self esteem flying out of the window. FML. I lost 4 fucking kg. Still not enough. I’ll never be the skinny bitch that get attentions. And now I can’t even sleep. I just need something in life. I’m so fed up.

B.

Shame in you

Throw out, blow up, hold in

Show fine, no signs, grow blind

I dressed up. I looked nice. I was ready. Ready for anything. Ready for a kiss, ready for a shag, ready for even just talking. I got nothing. As usual. Nothing. Oh no, i did get a “hi”. Great. Fucking great.

I looked at my friend and told her when he wanted to shag our other friend he wasn’t so hard to catch. Not a joy in life.

I feel like the duff, honestly. I’m the friend. Everyone’s friend. Nice and smiley, chatty (until I like someone). That’s it. Don’t deserve anything. No one really fancy me. No one text me. If I didn’t have my friends I wouldn’t even need a phone.

I’m really and empty. I feel embarrassed cause when tomorrow he’ll come ask me for a cappuccino he’ll know I have a crush on him. And he’ll be embarrassed cause doesn’t like me but he is polite.

Life sucks.

B.

Handle me with care

I’m so tired of being lonely

I still have some love to give..

Yesterday morning I was in my car driving to work and this song came on and it just got stuck in my head. Music is literally my life companion right now. That’s all I do. Listen to music. And work of course.

But now I feel the need. I feel the need to love and be loved. To have someone that cuddles me, fancy me and make me feel special, while I do the same. I never thought I wanted to love again but here I am.

Sunday I went to a wedding and I was with a couple of friends of the guy I like (that I was telling you in my last post) and I wanted to impress them but I’m not good and I’m too shy. Barely spoke and I was so bored I pretty much spent the all day looking at my phone and hoping for a miracle. But nothing happens in this bloody life. The only bright side is that in mid July my friend and his will celebrate their bday together so I will get the chance at least maybe to speak with him. I still have tomorrow at work but who knows if I will manage. I’m so embarrassed. I just want to be noticed.

Please, give me a bloody sign!

B.

Bitter taste

Ok. So I take back whatever I said yesterday. I’ve been kind of happy and I was hoping I was gonna have a chance but let’s be honest cute guys want hot girls and I’m out of the league. I really just wanted to talk to him. Never a joy in this bloody life. Oh well. I will survive as I usually do. A little more bitter and cynical. B.

Somewhere beyond the sea..

How weird does it feel when you start looking around again?

I feel the need to be hold and hugged. I feel like I want physical contact. I want to fall asleep beside someone. Has been a few happy weeks to be honest. Like my job, I’m on a diet and I actually see something happening and I started liking someone new. I’m too scared to make a move, I just hope he will ask me out. It’s not about sex, it’s different. I feel like I want to know him and that’s so weird for me because I didn’t want to know someone for the last 8 years. How do you play it along? I should go there and be like “hey I know you to shagged a couple of times my friend a few years ago but I kind of find you attractive now so how about a cuppa?” Yeah. Don’t think that’s how you do it. And if my friend style it’s his standard, let’s be honest I’m the total opposite so don’t really think he could be interested in me. He is just so smiley and kind and I’m not used to it.

B.

Letter to D.

I’m sorry to write to you I don’t even want an answer. I just need to talk. The days go by and I’m ok. I’ve got a good job, you would like my Gm is very similar to you, calm and kind. The place is nice and kitchen as usual are a lot of retards. Just the other morning I took a new booking for HB went thru to let them know and they started shouting the usual “No respect for my job” and bla bla bla. I smile and walked away. They had 3 ppl booked for dinner. In total they made 9 and still complaining about it after service lol but apart from that is all good. Then a few times a week I work in a bar just for some extra cash and it’s fine. I’m taking those strong medications for psoriasis and I’m completely clean. Literally. Not loosing pieces everywhere anymore. They have lots of side effects, my antibodies are really really low and I don’t sleep much (and few other ugly things I won’t tell you). Some days are easy some days are not. I did tell you I don’t feel home anywhere and still that’s the case. Somedays I just find myself driving and thinking maybe after that turn eventually Glencoe will appear, that I’ll be wondering around Edinburgh again or have a nice roast with well done Yorkshire puddings at your parents. Our cheese and biscuits dinner and the food shopping late at night. I listen to music and all of them remind me of somewhere or something. It’s harder than I thought. It’s like living in standby. Days going by and me just looking at life from the outside. I haven’t been out with anyone. You set the bar too high and I can’t really feel anything still. I miss too much things and I just ask myself why do I deserve this? Why there was meant to be all that distance? I don’t know. I don’t. When I listen to Imagine Dragons “Next to me” I always picture you. I’m happy if you are happy. I’m happy if you found someone will be able to stand by your side. And I’m sorry I vomited all those words you didn’t ask for, I will try not to bother again but won’t promise I won’t send you another update, you can just bin it if don’t want to read it. I’ll be ok.

Always yours.

B.